Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

[SheLovesThat]

My sister has 2 sons who have both passed their driving test in the last few years. My mum bought them both a car each and I paid for their first year of insurance.

My sister also has a step daughter who has just passed her test. My mum and I both sent a congratulations card with £100 in but my sister was surprised that we are not doing the same for her step daughter as we have with her sons and is now giving us the silent treatment.

The girl has been my sisters step daughter since she was 7and is now 18. She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her. My sister said we should treat her the same.

My mum spent about £12000 each on the cars. The insurance has cost me about £2000 each so not small amounts of money and I’m shocked my sister would expect the same for her step daughter.

Are we being unreasonable?

this, she has a mum...who she lives with. Its not the same situation. Her mum should be helping her and her dad...not you.

When on gods earth did presents to nephews and nieces increase beyond the odd £20 in a card?

I don't understand the world..

Maybe DGM should have thought ahead about this, as the step child has been around a long time?

I could have bought it, but shock horror, sometimes parents can afford and want to do something nice for their children (or nieces and nephews in the case of the OP).

And thanks for the lesson on inflation but I am aware - hence why i was earning £3.50 an hour back then, not whatever minimum wage is now. But my point about a young person needing to work ~12 hours a week just to learn to drive and cover first year costs still stands.

@ZanyMaker But my point about a young person needing to work ~12 hours a week just to learn to drive and cover first year costs still stands.

Young people having to do a thing that most young people normally do... shock horror.

It’s always been the case that not everyone has no option other than to struggle. That’s life.

Unless your Mum pays for private education for your children and buy them cars, then yes, you live in a different world to the OP.

No one in my family would describe £100 as a paltry amount.

Just a thought OP do you think your sister’s husband is giving your sister a hard time ? You snd your mum are 100% right btw

If it was about birthday or Xmas gifts under £100 I would suggest it would be caring and considerate to treat all 3 children the same if you could afford it. But these cars are something else, a massive expense for a first car plus insurance and your sister and her stepdaughter should understand that it's your choice and your mum's what you spend your money on and not feel entitled. My mother remarried and I had an older step brother and an older brother. When my stepbrother was 21 his father bought him his first car, then when my brother was 21 my mum bought him his first car. When I was 21 I had left home and rented a flat. They sent me £21 because I had not learnt to drive !

1. Rude
2. why are you asking me, I’m just replying to the previous poster who said that the niece could vanish, by that logic so could the nephews

🙄

So, theoretically if SD bio grandparents bought her a car, your sister would still expect you and your mum to buy her a car and insurance otherwise it’s unfair? Thus leaving her with two cars? Maybe her bio parents don’t buy her a car but give her 12k for example and your mum is expected to still buy a car for fairness. Will she think think is fair on her bio sons who will be losing out quite a bit?

They’re her nephews, and will always be her nephews.

This girl isn’t her niece, and she isn’t equal to OP’s nephews. She’s no more related to OP than her sister’s mother in law is.

I don’t think she can have really thought through what she’s saying. It obviously wouldn’t be fair. I think if you have a blended family, you’ve got to accept that the kids will get different things because they have different family members. You can’t have the same when their family is different.

You are aunt to 2 x nephews.
The step daughter will also have aunts and grand parents on her bio mums side which your nephews don’t have.
It sounds like you and your mum are very generous to your sister and your nephews and also to your step niece, £100 gift is a lot of money.
I’m astonished that your sister is not happy.

Grandma may have to be careful as there is a limit on how much money can be "gifted" annually, with regard to inheritance tax payable.

Compared to what you give famliy, related by blood, it is. It's a token amount.

Although she has two parents, it seems a bit cruel to have have spent 24 grand on two flash cars for the the two new male drivers and bugger all effectively for her. With hindsight , your generous mum could have spent 8 grand each for three cars. It is tricky though as her own mother and father should be chipping in,

I think you’re missing the context from the now deleted message from the previous poster…I’m not saying they would disappear, it was relevant to the comment that was made to me.

Her own parents should be "chipping in"??? Are you feeling ok?

What a strange thing to say - they should be putting their hands in their pockets and buying THEIR OWN DAUGHTER a car if they are that bothered!!

Your sister is being very cheeky and rude to expect the same for her step daughter.

I was a step child and wouldn’t have expected my step parents family to give me the same as they gave my step siblings. My step siblings never expected the same things to be given to them, as were given to me from my family either. Why would we? 🤯

Step relations are different and that’s ok. As long as they’re kind to you day to day, it’s completely normal to not be treated the same on bigger things like this.

People trying to pretend that it’s the same are the ones that cause the issues.

The step daughter seems perfectly happy with what you and your mum have given. She probably thinks your sister is mad if she knows about this. I would.

The two new male drivers? They’re not favouring them because they’re male, they’re giving them these things because they are their bio relations, they just happen to be male. I’m sure OP and her mum would have done the same if one of them was female.

Why would OPs mum divide the money between 3 when only 2 are her bio relatives? The girl has her own family to buy her a car if they believe she should have one purchased for her. And do you think OP should cough up another £2k for insurance as well? Genuinely lol. The entitlement is shocking. Just because 2 people choose to blend their family, doesn’t mean that wider family have to share everything they have. They didn’t choose this.

The reason your sister has expectations of you and your mum and not of her DH’s siblings and parents, is simple: you have money and they don’t.

There may also be an element of the balance of their relationship (your sister and her husband) but mostly, in my experience, people try to guilt trip the wealthier side citing fairness. She wont give you an answer when you point out the hypocrisy because it makes her look like, well, a hypocrite who’s after money and/or making her life easier by not having to face the consequence of her decision to take on a stepchild.

yeah but... £100 v £12,000?

Again with the loving to spend other people’s money. It is OP’s mom’s money and she can spend it how she chooses. She doesn’t want to buy this girl a car. End of.

The step parents should be absolutely treating the same - but it’s unreasonable to expect extended family to treat them identically. Including them in family occasions and being kind to them should go without saying, but it is unreasonable to expect them to treat them equally in everything. They have their own family. Are the two boys treated identically by the whole of the SD’s family?