Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

[SheLovesThat]

My sister has 2 sons who have both passed their driving test in the last few years. My mum bought them both a car each and I paid for their first year of insurance.

My sister also has a step daughter who has just passed her test. My mum and I both sent a congratulations card with £100 in but my sister was surprised that we are not doing the same for her step daughter as we have with her sons and is now giving us the silent treatment.

The girl has been my sisters step daughter since she was 7and is now 18. She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her. My sister said we should treat her the same.

My mum spent about £12000 each on the cars. The insurance has cost me about £2000 each so not small amounts of money and I’m shocked my sister would expect the same for her step daughter.

Are we being unreasonable?

She’s also your neice and your mums granddaughter. What a weird way of looking at your sisters family.
if my partners family treated my son like this we wouldn’t see them again. We are a family, all of us. We come as a package. He agreed to that when he started a relationship with me, and became step dad to my son. If his family had an issue with one of his children that would be a huge issue for us.

You clearly just wanted the glory for as long as possible.

The glory of what?

Who even thinks like this?

And who would tarnish a gift by setting out stipulations?

OP doesn’t have an issue with her step-niece.

And if you would expect your in laws to spend thousands on your child then you and OP’s sister share a weird sense of entitlement.

It's fine for you and him to decide that for yourselves. But you're not in charge of how other family members feel, which includes any other children the two of you have. Nor are you in charge of their wallets.

Your sister should be approaching the step-daughter's grandparents and aunty and uncles on her mum's side to see if they would like to provide a car and insurance (of course no one is rude enough to do this, but expecting a car and insurance paid for a step-child by people who aren't even related is the height of rudeness and entitlement!). Your sister's step daughter isn't yours or your parent's relation as much as she might be part of your sister's family she isn't in your immediate family, she has her own family to provide gifts like this. I'd ignore your sister, she's incredibly rude.

This is something that should have been thought about and discussed way before now, in my opinion. It should have been a question that you/your Mum asked as well as your sister asking the same...What happens when X passes her test?

Clearly your sister has expectations, that you don't share, regarding her step-daughter. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your step-niece has two parents and presumably two sets of grandparents of her own. If her husband's parents had bought their granddaughter a car, would she also be expecting them to do the same for her two sons?!

I agree that where possible all children should be treated fairly. However, this is real life, not a fairy tale, and sometimes the realities of it, don't work that way. This is why these huge gestures should be given thought and discussed. It's obvious that your step-niece won't be bought a car or insurance by her own biological parents/grandparents. They simply don't have the funds available to be able to do so.

You have choices: 1) say no. 2) agree to perhaps pay for the first year of insurance between yourself and Mum. 3) accept that you both should have discussed your sister's expectations prior to purchasing cars/insurance for your nephew's and do the same for your step-niece.

Going forward, you and your Mum need a conversation with you sister. You need to be clear with her what you are prepared to give your step-niece. For example, if you helped your nephew's with a small deposit for a house or gave a contribution to a wedding, would you do the same for your step-niece or not? If not, you need to say, that you aren't prepared to match like for like. Your sister is being wholly unrealistic in her expectations, especially given the sum of money involved, so you need to make sure she understands this.

My point is, if my son was treated differently to our children together we would not speak to his family again. Because they are all three our children, so it’s their prerogative to treat them differently. But they would then be sacrificing a relationship with all of us for that. Because we treat all of our children the same and we expect that from everyone in their lives. So absolutely fine for them not to treat them the same, if they want to, but that would be their last chance to do so.

My DD has 3 kids. The older two DGS have a rich dad and grandmother who buy them cars, give them a significant monthly allowance and have guaranteed their university costs should they wish to go. They stand to inherit a great deal of money. The 3rd child DGD has a different dad and there is no money coming her way from her dad for anything, ever. Nobody expects the boys’ dad or grandmother to contribute to DGD even though her brothers have had so much given to them and will never be in financial need.

Right…..so you don’t think there would be upset about some kids getting £££££s and the step child £££? Ok 👍

A person who’s is happy to spend thousands on child and to look like a great aunt, knowing they will exclude another child down the line.

If she was open with her communication, making it clear that the SD wouldn’t be receiving the same….the gift of the car/insurance really wouldn’t be received in the same way would it? They knew it was at Ute’s and then it would be up to them if they wanted to accept it.

It sounds like your kids are probably quite young then? Young enough for you to be in charge of who they see, anyway. That's not the situation Dsis is in, with adult sons.

There does come a point when the children will make their own decisions. You wouldn't be able to decide forever that some of your kids would have their relationships with wider family sacrificed because of your preferences, and Dsis can't now decide that at all.

No one is saying they have an issue with stepdaughter. Just they they have a different a different relationship due to the fact she has her own biological grandparents and aunties. And thats ok. This girl maybe doesn't want to view her step grandma in the same way as her biological grandmother. She doesn't call her grandma. And thats fine.

I wonder if step daughters grandmother bought the nephews anything for their driving tests?

No, I think what you actually said is wrong. We already know there's been some upset, what we're discussing is foreknowledge.

You said OP knew she'd be creating upset. It doesn't appear that there's been any with DSD, so that leaves Dsis. How was OP to know how her sister was going to respond to something she'd never even asked about before? That was a very specific claim so it's also going to need specific explanation.

Its clearly foreseeable when one child doesn’t get £14,000 spent on them, when others did, then there will be the potential for family upset.

That's a goalpost move. You didn't say there'd be potential for upset, you said OP knew there would be and then invented a whole rationale based on this concrete claim. You're watering it down.

She isn't though. She is someone else's niece and granddaughter. By all means, you treat your step children the same as your own children. The fact remains that if you divorce, you have zero right to an ongoing relationship with step children. They are not the same.

You can choose to treat the children under your roof equally while they are there. You cannot impose that on others without manipulation which is exactly what your cutting off threat amounts to. Why would you reduce the amount of love in your children's lives to force others to adopt your mindset?

She isn’t though.

You can pretend your child is related to your partners family if you want, but no one else has to buy into the illusion.

Yes, the OP knew.

I can see you are tying yourself in knots here. It’s very clear, that doing something like this, would cause upset. That’s why the OP avoided the conversation beforehand.

I think you need to calm down now

You don’t know that. Maybe when you look at the stepdaughter’s overall cache from paternal, and maternal extended families, she’ll end up with $$$$$$$$$$$$$.

The time when you could tell anyone else to calm down was before you posted the story you'd made up.

It's very odd. You could've just said you think it was risky not to discuss it in advance or whatever, and that would've been a way to be critical of OP without you sounding batshit.

So from what some people on this thread are saying is everyone should treat biological and step children the same, regardless of the fact each child may have their biological mother/father and extended relatives involved?

Therefore, each child in this scenario could have ended up with 2 cars each for passing driving test if each grandmother wanted to buy their biological grandchild a car, they should have also bought step grandchild one...which of course would be absolutely ridiculous, as no-one needs 2 cars but we must do in the interests of fairness and treating all the same

I’ve read so many posts where people empathise with the SC and how she must be feeling because unrelated family members are not paying for her uni fees and not paying for her car. That is so entitled! My SC would never for a second expect to even get the same presents from my parents. Never mind be included in their will. Just like I would never expect their mum to give my children the same. If this girls dad and step mum bought the OPs sons a car and then didn’t for this girl then yes absolutely I’d be raging for her.
So the financial disadvantage doesn’t come from being a SC. That’s very much dependent on who in the family has money. In my family, it is very much my SC who will have a very generous inheritance which my children do not get that. But if the post was reversed and I was asking whether my SCs family should be funding my children, would the outrage be the same?
Stop making SC these victims that they’re not. Yes it’s not nice that their parents are no longer together but that has sod all to do with whether extended non blood relatives should all ensure they receive the same as their step siblings. Financially that would make OPs nephews be at a disadvantage no? Bizarre.

There isn’t a story that’s made up. It’s using common sense to foresee family upset by treating children differently. If that’s was the OP wanted to do, she should have spoke about it first.

You wrote

The way you’ve done this ..:.to spend £28,000 on the two boys and £200 on the SD, you knew there would be upset somewhere along the line and sought to avoid this for as long as possible, by not making it clear you wouldn’t be extending your generosity to the other member of the family.

That was entirely invented, which is why you're now trying to water it down a bit. Again, if you wanted to make the point that it would've been responsible to discuss this in advance and the onus is on OP rather than the children's mother/SM to raise it for X reason, you can do that without making anything up.

Surely OP just wouldn’t have considered for one second that she’d be expected to buy a car for her sister’s husband’s child?

The mistake was the sister’s in assuming they’d do the same for her husband’s child by someone else. If anyone needed to clarify at the time, it was she.