Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

[SheLovesThat]

My sister has 2 sons who have both passed their driving test in the last few years. My mum bought them both a car each and I paid for their first year of insurance.

My sister also has a step daughter who has just passed her test. My mum and I both sent a congratulations card with £100 in but my sister was surprised that we are not doing the same for her step daughter as we have with her sons and is now giving us the silent treatment.

The girl has been my sisters step daughter since she was 7and is now 18. She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her. My sister said we should treat her the same.

My mum spent about £12000 each on the cars. The insurance has cost me about £2000 each so not small amounts of money and I’m shocked my sister would expect the same for her step daughter.

Are we being unreasonable?

Why are you still banging this drum, @shuggles? It makes zero difference to the the thread.

It doesn't matter if other parents - or in this case, grandparents and aunts - contribute towards or fully cover the cost of a car and insurance. The OP and her mother have, and it's them we're discussing.

There have definitely been posters on here who are at the point of cutting off a parent when they’ve realised their parent has forbidden them for having any kind of relationship with the family of their other parent, because they wouldn’t treat the first parent’s child from a previous relationship, their half-sibling, exactly the same.

Saffy2, can I just ask, does your son's Dad and wider family treat all 3 of your children identically, if not why not, and if they don't, have you cut all contact with them, and again, if not why not? Just curious.

Compared to a £12,000 car plus a year of insurance when she has been part of their family for 11yrs. It IS a slap in the face yes

That’s confusing. I’m presuming the half sibling is still not the biological grandchild? So it is their son/daughters partners child. Yes there will be those people. I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion and can do whatever they like. So regardless of many posters telling the OP she’s in the wrong. She and her parents are entitled to do whatever they want with their own money.
Me and DP have a child. He has previous children. I have a previous child. So that would be like expecting my parents to treat his children the same as our child. And my older child. They don’t. And he has never once suggested I cut them out for that. Same as his parents. They will give a token gift to my child. But their bio GC receive more. To end family ties based on that is a bit bonkers to me.

I bet she bloody was. First cars costing twelve grand?!??

Imagine your Mum and Sister financially propping up your kids to the tune of nearly 30k and then being pissy your step-daughter doesn’t have the same treatment.

She’s got some front.

It’s only a slap in the face if people have lied to you, leading you to believe your relationship is the same.

I cannot believe what I am reading. Disgusting

Being part of the family doesn't make every single family member equal. I loved my grandparents dearly, but I love my parents more. I love my sister more than my cousins; my niece more than my cousins' children. I don't think anyone would expect me (or anyone) to love their in-laws the way they love blood relatives - yet stepchildren, who are also relatives by marriage, are apparently a protected species.

As I’ve said, she got expensive gifts for her 18th from us only a few weeks before the £100 each from us for passing her driving test. She was really happy with the gifts for her birthday and the cash for passing her test and she was here on Friday night to go out with my daughter acting normally so I don’t believe she feels like they’re a slap in the face. This is my sister.

My nephews get less from their step grandparents, the girls grandparents, than they give her and they also don’t see this as a slap in the face. Nor do they see it as a slap in the face when their step sister goes on holiday with her family and they haven’t been invited, despite us taking their step sister when we’ve taken our nephews.

I’m finding some people’s entitlement really shocking but it could be an insight into my sisters feelings.

I have had a text conversation with my sister this morning where I’ve mentioned her previous step son and pointed out that her step daughters grandparents on her dads side don’t treat my nephews the same yet she accepts that. She didn’t really have an answer. I asked if the step daughters aunts and uncles on her dads side treat my nephews the same, as they’re the same relation to them as I am to her step daughter, (step aunts and uncles), and she has admitted they don’t and she hasn’t brought it up with them

I asked why then, me and mum are the only ones expected to treat them all the same to which I’ve had no response.

Hopefully she’ll think on that and realise the hypocrisy of having different rules for her own family in how we must treat our step family, than she has for her partners family and how they must treat their step family who are her sons/my nephews.

Good update, OP

Yes, he does treat our children the same as his son and his step children, as does his wife. BUT I do see that as different. Our children aren’t part of their family in the same way, they don’t go to his house or live with them. I have no contact with his family or his wife’s family. (I’m his ex wife…it would be exceptionally weird for me to be classed as family to his new wife’s family no?!) and my children haven’t met them. It is different to my son who lives with my partner, and has done since he was 2 years old. And has grown up for 7 years without any siblings added where he was a part of the family of my partners, his step dad. That is entirely different to our two younger children who have nothing at all to do with my son’s dad and his family and his wife’s family. We have a good relationship and our children do know my sons dad and his wife and her children, and they do spent time with them, they’re bought presents etc. but they don’t go to stay at their house the way my son does. It is different in my opinion, to my partner and his family regarding my son who is wholely part of our family and part of theirs. He is my partners step son, our children are not my ex husband and his new wife’s step children.

Agree with that 👍🏼

Well done OP.
Your sister is an entitled CF and she owes you an apology.

Thanks for saying what I've wanted to say for a while. I mentioned earlier that the girls mum might be furious at the step-grandmother crossing a line by giving something that she would want to give herself.

But it's, the whole step-parent/step family thing is the thinnest tightrope I can think of. To me, it seems impossible to navigate, and I'm relieved that I haven't had to (yet).
As my MIL used to say "you can't do right for doing wrong".

By saying I would give the car back, essentially that would probably look like reimbursing for the cost. Rather than the actual car. But no, I wouldn’t allow my two younger children to be given something (in our case it would be the other way round as my son is the eldest) that he wasn’t given. So if when he passes his driving test my partners mum for example gives him a card with £100. That is what would expect for my younger two when they pass their driving test. And if it wasn’t the same I would refuse it.
i understand people don’t like my stance here but 🤷🏽‍♀️ im ok with that! My son has seen me and his step dad consistently have his back. We don’t do ‘blended’ families like everyone else. He lives here in our house and he is treated the same as all our children, by both of us. My partner treats him exactly the same as he treats the other two. And quite frankly, we wouldn’t still be together or even have the other two if that wasn’t the case. But I see often ok these kinds of threads that people are more than happy for step parents to not treat their step children as their own, that’s wild to me, but you do you at the end of the day 👍🏼
i and my family are more than happy as we are ☺️

Agree with this. Should have been discussed before the purchasing of any cars!

Whem my nephew passed his test i think he got a card.

Your sister is incrediblely entitled.

But say the new driver is 18. I know it would be a tug of war I wouldn’t win if I had tried to remove a financial gift out of my son’s hands/ bank account. Presuming they gave it directly to the youngster, and it was not placed in the parent’s account to dole out.

At that stage, it is not for the parents, it is a gift to the (just adult) offspring.

Edited to add: Also, the car would be registered in the youngster’s name, as the owner.

@saffy2 . Thank you for the response. I think we may be coming at this from different places as all 3 of the children are biologically yours. I totally agree that the actual parent/step parent should treat all of their children equally, I'm just not sure that can or should be imposed on the wider family. I will caveat that with if the child in question has no family on the other side, I personally would treat them 100% equally in all respects (assuming they've been in the family from a young age), because then you are their only family.

How would you plan to refuse presents for your adult children in the future? Your adult children may just decide it’s you who would be cut off. Does your mum and dad still decide which gifts you can accept?

By saying I would give the car back, essentially that would probably look like reimbursing for the cost. Rather than the actual car. But no, I wouldn’t allow my two younger children to be given something (in our case it would be the other way round as my son is the eldest) that he wasn’t given. So if when he passes his driving test my partners mum for example gives him a card with £100. That is what would expect for my younger two when they pass their driving test. And if it wasn’t the same I would refuse it.

By refuse you mean you wouldn't try and prevent them having the car but would offer the giver the money back?

It all just reads like you think you're much more in charge of this than you are. Because if a relative gives your at least 17 and probably older child a car, having not done the same for elder DSS, you can't actually decide that the donor is going to be reimbursed by you. You can offer them the money, they don't have to accept.

I wonder if the issue is that your sister told her DH or his family that DSD would be getting a car from your mum. So she's more embarrassed now rather than thinking logically

Only on Mumsnet would a £100 gift to congratulate a a step-niece/step-grandchild for passing their driving test be considered 'disgusting' and 'a slap in the face'.

OP's step-niece hasn't take any sort of offence and was very grateful for the cash gift. She was also very grateful for her 18th birthday presents from OP which were of a similar value as those given to OP's biological nieces.

Your outrage sounds very performative.