Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

[SheLovesThat]

My sister has 2 sons who have both passed their driving test in the last few years. My mum bought them both a car each and I paid for their first year of insurance.

My sister also has a step daughter who has just passed her test. My mum and I both sent a congratulations card with £100 in but my sister was surprised that we are not doing the same for her step daughter as we have with her sons and is now giving us the silent treatment.

The girl has been my sisters step daughter since she was 7and is now 18. She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her. My sister said we should treat her the same.

My mum spent about £12000 each on the cars. The insurance has cost me about £2000 each so not small amounts of money and I’m shocked my sister would expect the same for her step daughter.

Are we being unreasonable?

What on earth is invented????

you don’t even make sense. I have said repeatly that its was clear that the OP knew it would cause upset?!

Step families are always shit. My mother gave my brothers step children thousands, my step children got nothing.

Exactly...I got some cards from people which I greatly appreciated !

The bit in italics. You said OP knew it would cause upset and then the bit where you explained how she knew this has been missed out as you said other things instead. If 'you' meant plural and included DM as well as main funder, you've also not explained how she knew either.

No my son is 16. Other two are young yes. But really I would hope that I’ve raised them to know their worth and how their siblings worth and to understand when other people are treating them differently and to not stand for that. ☺️👍🏼

But equally, regardless myself and my partner would not spend time with or see people or allow them into our lives who treated our children differently. Regardless of the children’s ages.

You make absolutely no sense at all. That whole paragraph makes no sense.

Let me make this clear:

• The OP never had any intention of gifting ££££s to SD, neither did her mother whom the OP was gifting alongside.
• Anyone can see this would cause issues down the line, when the SD passed her test.
• The OP gifted the nephews but didn’t explain at the time, that this generosity wouldn’t be extended to the SD. Again, knowing that she would excluding one child. She is perfectly within her rights not to do so, but she chose not to communicate this.
• Had she done so, told them what her position was, then it was up to the parents/nephews whether to accept the gift
• OP instead decided not to tell the family, so she can happily give the gift whilst avoiding any fallout for a few years
• Now we have the faux shock that it’s caused family upset.

I have never sought to change the meaning of my posts. Your strange outlook on this matter will have to be left here, as you make absolutely no sense and I’m no longer engaging with such oddball posts.

So if you were in OP's sister's shoes, would you return the cars that OP has previously gifted to her nieces when they passed their driving tests? As OP isn't willing to buy her sister's step-daughter a car, that would be the only way to equalise the situation, i.e. that none of them have a car.

Of course YANBU. She’s not your niece, she’s not your parents granddaughter. And like your sisters exs child, she could go at any time.
All this “treating her differently”. It IS different. She isn’t related to the OP and the OPs parents. She is the sisters step daughter, who doesn’t even live with her full time.

Honestly. Probably yes I would. I would feel exceptionally awkward about this favouritism towards their biological neices and nephews, and I wouldn’t want any part of our children together being favoured over his child in our family.
in our family all our children are equal and treated as such. And if people aren’t onboard with that, we don’t see them. 👌🏼 actual situation, has happened. We have cut ties with people who have treated my son differently to the others. We are a team, we are a family. And my son is his son, regardless of biology. And if extended family don’t want to acknowledge that and treat them the same that’s fine, then we won’t see them ☺️👍🏼

Does your sister insist that her partner’s parent and sibling do the same for her own biological children? If not, she herself is not treating them all the same.

You can’t define other people’s family for them.

i have two nieces who I love dearly and am very close to. I pay into savings accounts for them and take them on holiday every year. They are teenagers.

if my sister remarried a man with other children, I would be kind and welcoming. I would take the time to get to know the children, but I wouldn’t be their aunt. I wouldn’t set up bank accounts or take them on holiday. I wouldn’t revise my will to include them. These children would have their own aunts and uncles - I am just a new adult in their life.

If you were my sister would you cut me off?

Right, I think that's a bit different then if they're not adults. You mentioned in reply to another poster that you'd have given the cars for the eldest two back in OPs shoes, but I don't understand how you think you could do that. At a certain point you just have to hope the other kids are ok with you trying to use their relationships with wider family as collateral. They might very well not be.

When shit comes to shite, you completely fabricated an entire thought process and couldn't back it up.

You claimed OP knew something when you have no idea if she did, and have had nothing to say about the DM who actually contributed most of the finances here. Absolutely bizarre. The only thing you've made clear is that you have a vivid imagination.

But surely you can recognise that this is not the same for all families.

My step niece and nephew do not want to view my sister as their mum. They have their own mum. If my sister treated them as her own, she would be massively overstepping.

It sounds like in this scenario, the step daughter is happy with how things are. She doesn't call op or ops mum aunty or grandma, she doesn't view them the same as her biological grandmother/aunty. And thats fine

So you’ve potentially cut good people out of your children’s lives because they don’t do everything equally. That’s mental. If they are actively horrible to your son then fair enough. But if it’s just about money and gifts etc I think you’ve just made their world smaller- particularly the children whose blood related to those people you’ve cut out. I know my parents haven’t included my SC in their will. So I should never speak to them again and not let my children have a relationship with their GPs?!
I hope the SCs side of the family are doing the same as you, otherwise it is just your children that are losing out there.
But in OPs case then you’re right about the cars I suppose. If sister feels that bad then she could give the boys cars back. Way to cause resentment from them though. OR this girls parents start saving and buy one themselves. Quite simple really. First world problems this is! Deciding which children get bought a car 🤦🏻‍♀️

I really don't see how SIL could give back cars that belong to other adults. They aren't hers to return.

I am always amazed by people’s attitudes to how wider families treat their step children.

there seems to be two sets of rules . Step mums and step dads should know their place - they don’t replace the parents - they are bonus parents at best. They should not overstep by attending doctors appointments, parents evenings, they have no legal rights, should not assume the role of mother or father of the bride/groom at weddings etc. People on mumsnet go nuts about step parents respecting their place and their role and not preceding they are the real parents.

yet step aunts and uncles and step grandparents should ignore the ‘step’ part. Even for children who don’t see them as grandparents or aunts/uncles they should pretend these children are tally their nieces/nephews/grandchildren.

And then what happens in the case of a divorce? These children who they were forced to pretend were their actual grandchildren just disappear- there is no family link. It’s all very odd.

I wonder how people would react if it was the OP's cousin rather than her sister making demands like this? Saying "We were like sisters growing up, but now she's buying all these presents for her nephews, but my kids only got £100 in a card"?

My bet is that everyone would be saying she's ridiculous; that no one should expect a cousin's child to be treated like a niece or nephew. But these are blood relatives - people you have known all your life. Why is it okay to treat them differently to nieces and nephews, on the basis of the relationship being less close, yet treating a sibling's stepchildren from their actual children is taboo?

You would be being massively unfair to your own children if you deprived them of a relationship with their own family just because you couldn't force your parents/siblings to view your stepchild the same way as their own grandchildren/niblings. You don't have a right to force relationships and if you did this, you would breed resentment in your own children, who would likely view you as putting your own wants above their rights and needs.
Your children are entitled to relationships with their own family - you made the choice to blend, nobody else did!

^^ THIS is the key here. The equivalent step grandparents have not treated the boys like equals, so why would your sister expect the same vice versa?

It sounds like the step GC isn't expecting anything at all so it's just your sister being ridiculous!

It is very odd. Really it is just two different families living together. Doesn’t mean the loves not there. But I think this is where blended families don’t work. When you’re trying to make it into something it’s not. I bet this child doesn’t view the OP as her aunt in the same way she does her biological aunts. And same for the grandparents. My SC don’t call me Mum. And I highly doubt I mean as much to them as their Mum. And that’s ok. That’s how it should be. So why do I and all my family have to treat them equally when we don’t get treated equally. I know they’re children but even as adults I bet they don’t go out of their way to ensure they spend the same on my family as they do their mums family. And that’s not horrible either.
I’m sure there is the odd exception when blended families do operate like this. But I don’t think for a second that’s the norm.
As at what point are they considered equal? My brother starts a new relationship with a woman who has a child. Is that child my niece/nephew straight away? Or do I wait a few years? My DP got divorced after 15 years. So even with time it doesn’t necessarily mean SC are in your lives forever. If you believe you are still going to view them the same if that child is no longer part of the family, and you will still have the same amount of contact etc then I don’t think you’d be questioning this is the first place. That can happen. But realistically at the most, you might stay in touch. I’d say that’s more like a friend. Would you buy your friend a car?

@ZanyMaker My parents bought me my first car back in the early 2000s. In fact, I think most my friends had their first car bought for them. Granted, I’m talking £800-1000 bangers, rather than the £12k being mentioned by the OP.

Why could you not buy that?

I’m not sure young people today could afford to set themselves up with driving with funds from a part-time job. I’ve not looked at prices myself, but Google suggests: For an 18-year-old getting on the road with a 12-year-old car, your total first-year setup cost will typically range between £5,300 and £8,800.

You're forgetting that £5300 today is a lot less than £5300 was in the early 2000s.

If you want to understand how inflation and the economy have changed, just bear in mind that basic supermarket jobs now pay £25k full time, which can rise to £30k with a bit of overtime.

Also, most of that cost is the insurance, not the car.