Are we being unreasonable not to buy my sister's stepdaughter a car and insurance

[SheLovesThat]

My sister has 2 sons who have both passed their driving test in the last few years. My mum bought them both a car each and I paid for their first year of insurance.

My sister also has a step daughter who has just passed her test. My mum and I both sent a congratulations card with £100 in but my sister was surprised that we are not doing the same for her step daughter as we have with her sons and is now giving us the silent treatment.

The girl has been my sisters step daughter since she was 7and is now 18. She lives with her mum half of the time so we don’t see as much of her. My sister said we should treat her the same.

My mum spent about £12000 each on the cars. The insurance has cost me about £2000 each so not small amounts of money and I’m shocked my sister would expect the same for her step daughter.

Are we being unreasonable?

This thread is wild, as per usual when the sensitive topic of blended families rears it's head

YANBU but your sister is

My parents have 5 GC plus 6 step GC (at the moment, and that could obviously change at any given time) Are people honestly thinking my parents should be forking out for 6 extra off spring who just arrived in their lives?

And where does it stop? My brother and his ex wife have two children together, they split and she now has 2 more children plus 2 step children from her current husband - if we were to gift anything to my two nieces what about their 4 half/step siblings??

My take on it is: step children should be treated equally by the parent + step parent - not by the entire extended family

And?

How was it made "pretty obvious" that this was your course of action? Did you have a clear-cut discussion with your sister so that expectations were set?

Your sister probably thought she was set with the "big present" coming from you and your mother, and she probably feels like an idiot now, as she should. You and your mother should have been more attuned to the fact that once you start making an offer (first car and insurance to first grandchild), it becomes an expectation for the next grandchild, and then a demand.

Really, as adults, you all should have been aware of the possible repercussions. At least your step-niece sounds lovely, despite you referring to her in one post as "the girl." Sheesh.

A previous poster suggested step daughter was disadvantaged due to being from a split family. Op was pointing out that all of the children are from a split family

Oh I see. Makes sense in that context

Imho you're sensible to start thinking about this as early as possible, if you know you're coming into the issue with very specific views. If there's any likelihood of inheritance in your family I would also prepare myself mentally for that not to go how you want it to. From reading about this sort of stuff online people seem to cope better if it isn't a surprise.

I am a step child i understand the feelings but I dont think op is being unreasonable.

They are not siblings they do not share any parents. The mum of the boys live with the dad of the girl. No blood relation means they are not siblings.

Even further the stepdaughters mother is alive and stepdaughter lives with her half the time, this results in op and her mother doesn't see the step daughter often so are u likely to have much of a bond with her.

Now I was close to my bonus grandparents to the extend my youngest is named after my step grandad. He was a wonderful man and I had a close loving relationship with them. I know you can create that close bond without blood ties. However a bond like that takes time and effort and this has not occured with op and this step daughter

My father remarried and 1st time there was a stepdaughter. 2nd time a stepdaughter and stepson, 3rd time a stepdaughter and a stepson
1st step child and 2nd stepchildren has no contact what so ever with my dad now they are adults. The 2nd set grew up with my father they were pre primary to late teens in the period he was in their lives.
His last wives 2 children only knew my father as adult (I have never met them as I live abroad) and even now 20 years on they keep in contact with my father.

I know none of the first 3 stepchildren think badly of my dad (I have then on Facebook that's it) as the few conversations I have had with them they speak fondly of my dad but ultimately he is not their father and they don't feel the need for a relationship with him. He is not ablood relation.

This is the situation for op too. She may like the stepdaughter but she is not her blood relation and not someone she has much of a relationship with.

Nothing to do with her not being a "real person"

So op in my opinion is not unreasonable I say that as an adult who still has a loving relationship with my step family aunt and stepdad are still alive and a cousin however those relationships were fostered and took many years to create.

How many kids get 12k cars when they pass their tests.not many I am guessing. I should ignore your sister.if you can maybe something cheaper for your neice .but only if u want to and can afford it

I’m surprised at the GP and the aunt buying cars for the 2 boys. I’m surprised at the £100 too. We are well off - we didn’t buy cars for our kids and we didn’t send anyone our kids or nieces or nephews £100 for passing their test (we did pay for lessons and practiced endlessly with them). It’s not the point but why was all this needed?
I do feel for the kids caught up in blended families, the equality and fairness in sharing out resources always seems to cause problems. My friend’s partner lived with her son since he was 2 years old - he left him nothing in his will, not one penny. It all went to their shared dd - I judge him severely for that.

You have set a precedent by buying for the two boys.

Well, if its ‘like for like’, stepmother should read the riot act to the stepdaughter’s extended paternal and maternal family. Say her sons’ maternal family had given them a car, along with a year’s insurance. When are they, as her stepdaughters family going to show the same generosity?

Or maybe they have. And maybe they’ve given the stepmother’s two sons a car each as well. So each son has two cars, because their stepfather’s, and his ex wife’s family, are making sure they all get exactly the same as stepdaughter.

Or, will stepmother say nothing to them, yet attack op?

£12k on their first car. Wow. Very lucky

ive never spent that on a car and I’ve been driving 35yrs

granny brought her gc cars so why isn’t her partners mum aka granny buying her gc a car

if his parents and the girls own mum and parents have never treated your gc, and brought cost gifts for their birthdays etc , why would your mum do it

i have step children. We try really hard to treat all children the same within our family when they are with us and thankfully my parents and siblings do too.

A paltry amount?
We live in differrnt worlds .

People who decide to blend families, don't have the right to impose financial obligations on their own families, as a consequence of their choice to 'blend'.
Step children are not the same as biological/adopted grandchildren to some people and that's okay. It would be wrong to be unkind or to exclude them from family gatherings where the rest of their 'unit' is included. And I would hope that if a child had no other parent in the picture and had been raised from a very young age in the step family situation, that the extended family would view them the same as bio dc. But this child does have a mum and maternal grandparents/family.
She's a child that they barely see and she isn't theirs.
OPs sister has become accustomed to spending her mum and OPs money and is taking the piss with this now.

Your sister is the one BU. If she doesn't like the way money is spent on her DC and DSC then she/ they should decline it.

She should have said at the first car that if it was not for all of them, it should be for none of them.

Why doesn't your sister get off her backside and buy her own family big ticket items rather than expect massive hand outs?

So the SD was in your life at this point when you and your DM gave the cars and insurance to the boys.

You should have said explicitly at the time, that you will be gifting these items to your nephews only and the SD wouldn’t receive this. This then gave the parents/nephews the option to turn down to gift to save family drama.

Of course you dont have to buy the SD a car….but the point of a gift is surely to bring happiness? The way you’ve done this ..:.to spend £28,000 on the two boys and £200 on the SD, you knew there would be upset somewhere along the line and sought to avoid this for as long as possible, by not making it clear you wouldn’t be extending your generosity to the other member of the family.

You clearly just wanted the glory for as long as possible.

Ok so fine you and your mum didnt think you needed to give her a car and insurance. But i would have thought that giving her a £1000 would be fairer. being treated differently is one thing, being given £100 so £200 total is a slap in the face

I agree with you OP. On these threads there are always grumpy people who object to parents doing anything for their kids. It’s a balance.

buying a child a car or giving them a house deposit is a wonderful gift to give to a child. It gives them freedom and choices and that’s all we all want for our kids, right?

Where have you got that OP knew there was going to be upset? That's a pretty specific accusation. The only person who we know to have been unhappy so far is Dsis, and she never mentioned any expectation before now.

£200 is not a slap on the face! Its a decent amount of money to be gifted.

I'd be fuming if I gifted someone £100 and they or their family (although it seems that step daughter is a lovely girl and was happy with the amount) thought it a slap in the face. What an entitled, ungrateful and grabby reaction that would be.

No YANBU. Step daughter has her own mother and father and blood relatives and in any case your sister is not entitled to anything. A gift is a gift, and you and your mum have been very kind and generous and your sister should be grateful.

The children should be treated the same by their step mum and step father, but I don't think this should apply to extended family who may or may not choose to do the same.

Spot on.

And I bet your sister says nothing to them.