To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

Totally reasonable to feel differently but not to outwardly treat them differently. If you’re expecting to present GD with a shiny new bike with all the accessories at Xmas, but turn up with a £20 jigsaw puzzle for her sister, it’s going to be blatantly obvious to everyone including the poor child who is and isn’t loved. I agree with PP - you have the time and the means to treat these children similarly and you may find that by spending time with her you really come to like then love her. Why not try and get the benefit out of having another bonus GD rather than focusing on how much you don’t want to love her because there’s other GP who hopefully do. I can see this ending horribly in a way you definitely don’t want to if you really love your son and GD. I’d suggest being more hands on and seeing how it goes.

A 2 year old is not going to understand you are not a blood relative, it is meaningless to her, the only thing she will understand is that you love the baby more than her and the baby gets all the super duper, bells and whistles pressies and she gets a jigsaw.

Please don't make your feelings so ridiculously obvious. They are siblings who will (most likely) grow up to be very close because of their age gap and the little one will probably look up to her big sister. I think you're in real danger of the little one thinking you're mean too if she clocks the disparity and you will really damage yourself in her eyes.

That little girl is so young you should just take her under your wing as your son has done. You can keep the favouritism as your private thoughts and maybe when you make your will, but day to day they are little sisters, so you should treat them the same.

It's not a competition! The way I see it, you're thinking of a lot of ways to exclude a small child, who is the sibling of your grandchild. As they get older, do you want to risk your relationship with your grandchild who may well notice this disparity and judge you for it? I think honestly you're being quite cruel.

I have 2 step children and since me and DH met, my parents have always treated them the same and welcomed them with open arms - now that i also have a daughter and my step children are late teens nothing has changed and they are all treated the same - they are my daughters siblings and part of our family . I'm so thankful to my parents for always treating all of their grandkids (by blood or not) the same

This really mean. I would limit your access to all my children tbh.

I think in theory you’re right but in practice it’s going to be difficult due to her age currently she won’t always be oblivious, it won’t always work just due to circumstances eg once your gc is at school they’ll be in the house at the same time and if the family unit with each set of grandparents and father is different to your way of thinking. Might be worth a conversation at least with your son and dil before any battle lines are drawn

It's not up to you to make up for the deficiencies and inevitable unfairness in a "blended" family.

If they split up, you won't be treated the same as the child's other grandparents - you'll probably never see her again. DIL is a hypocrite.

It's so weird, this insistence on blood relation being the only thing that matters . What difference does it actually make to you that they are not both related to you by blood? Is your gene pool so special that you couldn't possibly conceive extending love beyond those who carry some of your DNA?

You say you have both time and money. I'll tell you what you don't have - decency, towards a totally innocent child who is meant to be a part of your family, but for whatever territorial reasons you're deciding to exclude her.

It also shows a very shitty attitude towards your DIL - basically, you're showing that you only really value your son, but not her. If you also truly valued your DIL, you'd be happy to include her child too. Awful attitude, and I wouldn't want to be in your family. If I was your daughter in law, I'd ask you to keep your babysitting services and your money to yourself.

Are we definitely sure this isn't a reverse? Because I'm struggling to believe that anyone this cold and transactional can't see that she's risking having no contact with the favoured grandchild.

Or indeed ending up as Bitchy Granny when the sisters reminisce as adults.

Ah I missed that, but that makes it even worse frankly, she's old enough to recognise the blatant favouritism

Its horrible. The OP is horrible the way she's making such a distinction

Urgh

But you said before that you babysit so they can have a date night. Who looks after the other little girl then?

You're calling it babysitting but you're clear that it's not about giving them child free time, it's about you spending time with your granddaughter.

I was the older child in this situation and despite having my own grandparents, I was treated the same by my sisters grandparents. I cannot tell you how much that has meant to be throughout my life, to know that my sister and I were equal, to know that they considered me every single time.
My own dads family also bought my sister token gifts and took her out on occasion - it was definitely less than what I received but she had no real opportunity to build a relationship with them in the same way. (I only saw my dad a few times a year in any case)
your son is in a family unit with this child and you have the opportunity to build a wonderful relationship with her. Otherwise you may find yourself not needed for babysitting and the like and would therefore lose out on your own grandchild.

It would be simple if your son was able to adopt this child. Your role would be permanent, regardless of what happens with the marriage. With the current arrangement, she could leave your life simply because a marriage ended.

I can understand not wanting to risk being heartbroken. At the same time, this is a two year old. Is it really that easy to avoid falling in love?

So what? They may be rubbish grandparents it doesn't mean the OP has to follow suit.

I am a biological grandparent to one child, not to the other....it's not hard to not favour one over the other, imo, it's the way any loving grandparent would behave, especially when you know the child from being very young.

Given that this little girl had been in your son's family since she was 2 years old I do think you are being unreasonable.
I think that the little girl will begin to feel second best and your grand daughter will think she is more important than her sister.
It's one thing feeling a stronger bond with your grandaduughter and loving her but your son's step daughter is your grand daughter's sister so I couldn't treat them as differently as you do. Buying one sister a bike and giving the other £20 seems cruel. And if you are babysitting for the little one are you saying you wouldn't also take care of your step grandchild? Or help out if your daughter in law needs support with her but you would if it was your grand daughter?

I think what you need to remember is that whilst she isn't "your" relative, she is your granddaughters sister and ultimately the bond between them will be greater than the bond between you and your granddaughter.

So if for no other reason, I'd go out of my way to treat them the same.

Your DGC will see you through the lens of how you treat others. It's quite possible that as she gets older, however "nice" you think it is to buy them both a sticker book, it will become very clear that her sister is an unwanted but politely tolerated add on. How do you think she will feel about that?

Surely the Christmas scenario depends what gifts are coming from the paternal grandparents too- you could end up with one child having 3 sets of adoring grandparents and the younger child actually having less. I think the key is that everyone sings from the same hymn sheet and both girls feel loved and secure.

I don't really understand the babysitting thing, just babysit both. In years to come if you are in a cafe with them will "your" granddaughter be allowed a cake and the other one not? I hope not, that would be madness and cruel .

@NotHerGran I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.
The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter.

Sorry if I'm being dense here but are you saying you'll go over and babysit your biological grandchild only when your son and DIL go on date nights?

When it comes to presents you must treat them both equally - they are part of the same nuclear family and to do anything else would be unacceptable.

Do your son and DIL want their child to be educated privately?

I do understand to a degree about the not wanting to be childcare. Thankfully she has her dads side of the family involved so thats something. I do feel for her at Christmas time though when it sounds like you will shower your grandchild with expensive presents whilst she gets...a puzzle

i think it’s perfectly normal to feel like that but think treating them differently is cruel, they are very close in age and sisters who won’t understand why they are being treated differently. We have various grandchildren some blood related and some not but wouldn’t treat them different. I wouldn’t expect we would have much of a relationship with them if we didn’t. Hopefully all the other grandparents involved don’t act like you.

But there were no step-parents involved in your husband's case so how is that at all similar?

A step-parent is not the same as a parent. They would be massively overstepping if they started trying to act like the child's parent when that child has 2 involved parents already. Same goes for grandparents.

Just the fact that in a divorce, a step-parent does not get custody of the children proves that it's a very different relationship.

I have an ex (not DC's father) who was only ever a boyfriend. We didn't even live together. But my DC adored him and he my DC. We see my ex 2 or 3 times a month because although he was never step-dad, he was a significant figure in DC's life.

This is all quite ironic because my ex had always said that he could never love another child as much as his own. And indeed, he probably doesn't. BUT he's been pretty great to my DC. Never forgets a birthday. Always gives DC an xmas gift. Spends Boxing Day with us (for DC's benefit). He's babysat DC when I've had overwhelming work or medical commitments.

That is the spirit of generosity. And I'm not talking financial generosity.

You sound awful. Treat them both the same.
I had a young daughter when I met my husband and now we have a daughter together. His family have always treated my daughter the same as the other grandchildren. We are a very close extended family- weekly Sunday lunches, spend every holiday together ect. If they had treated her differently then I would have pulled away for the wellbeing of my child and they would not have the same bond they do with my youngest.

Agreed. Surely you just look after both? My DM’s friend gained a step GDD and just treated her the same as the rest of her DGC. Same level of spending on gifts etc. You have to look at this from the point of view of your son and his family - drawing a distinction so obviously is going to be very difficult for him.

Personally I would not allow any DGPs to buy the spectacular big present - that was for DH and I to do. our DC had about £50 spent on them by their DGPs which is fine. Spending hundreds on a bike for one child and £15 on a puzzle is not going to be helpful for your son and his family.

And the private school suggestion is ridiculous. You cannot seriously think you will be allowed to pay for one child to attend private school while their older half sibling doesn’t go? I would be astonished if any parent allowed that.