To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

The DD is very, very young. Your DS is basically raising her. You need to get with the program and treat her as a granddaughter.

She is your step granddaughter, not your DGDs sister. Refusing to acknowledge that is cruel.
I don't understand this attitude. My parents have always treated my SD and my sisters SS the same as their other grandchildren. If they had treated my SD the way you treat your SGD they wouldn't have seen their biological grandchildren either.
You're punishing a 2 year old who has done nothing wrong.

So what happens when the eldest has time with dad or his parents, or getting more presents etc because has a whole other half of the family? What about how the youngest feels then?

I can understand why you feel that way but I think it is cruel to treat them so differently particularly when they are so young. It is not their fault that they have different dads and they are too young to understand your position. I hope the other little girls family are a bit kinder to your granddaughter.

My aunt has three children, two different dads. The older two's dad used to take them out each weekend. The youngests dad didn't bother with his daughter. When the littlest was old enough to realise big sister and big brother went out without her....their dad started taking her too.

Because he didn't think that this little girl, who was nothing to do with him but was just a child, and his children's sibling, should be sat at home crying when her siblings went out with their dad.

It's possible to treat children well even though they are not your blood!

You are on a dangerous path.

We have this dynamics and the grand parents on all sides are marvellous. The other side treat the GD like their own in terms of blood. Absolutely no difference. The parents then see them all and have a really good relationship.

As a thought

What would happen if they split up... And how would you feel if a new set of grand parents didn't want your GD to be included....

@MsSquizBut wouldn’t DIL’s daughter also be favoured by her own paternal grandparents and her own dad? I would assume DIL’s ex / DIL’s ex’s parents won’t treat my granddaughter as they would their own. They’d just be favoured by DIFFERENT people , each by their own dads

This little girl is your granddaughter’s sister. You should want them to have a loving, close relationship. Being unnecessarily divisive and setting up potential jealousies and rivalries between them seems like a very bad idea to me.

Regardless of how you feel about the situation, if you continue behaving like this, I think it is likely to have an impact on your relationship with your granddaughter, daughter-in-law and son.
Ultimately, what is best for your granddaughter? Surely it is for her to grow up feeling that her extended family is secure, loving and able to put differences aside, rather than feeling caught in the middle of conflict or aware of tensions between the adults around her.
She is also likely to become increasingly aware of the differences in how she is treated, and that could make her feel awkward or uncomfortable. Her parents may also understandably respond by reducing contact if they feel the situation is having an impact on her.
I don't think you should be expected to pay for your daughter-in-law's daughter's private education, or to provide anything beyond what you are comfortable with. But giving your granddaughter a reasonably comparable Christmas present and doing the other fairly obvious things grandparents do seems much more beneficial for everyone in the long term than your granddaughter simply having a few extra pounds or a few more things.
And if you actually start spending time with the older child and making an effort to build a relationship with her, you may find that a genuine relationship develops over time. Sometimes you have to make the effort first and allow the closeness to follow. Otherwise, there is a real risk that your feelings about the situation end up affecting your relationship with your granddaughter and, ultimately, your relationship with the whole family.

All this talk about not being blood related … you’ve known this tiny girl since she was two! Your son is raising her … she’s not some random!

You do your actual dgc no favours treating her dsis differently..

Presumably the eldest spends time with her own dad as well? Isn’t it best for you to time your grandparent time with the time the eldest spends with her dad? Then there is no debate about fairness. Presumably, the youngest does not spend any time with the eldest’s family, and does not receive gifts etc from the eldest’s family? If not, then there is no unfairness here. What does your son say about all of this?

Yabu but you are if you show it really. I know people who very much split their family in terms of ‘well they’re not blood’ and I just think the kids can’t not notice. It’s not their fault their parents split up!

It is fine.

My step grandparents were always kind to my brother and I growing up, genuinely fond of us. They didn’t love us as they did their actual grandchildren. I carry no trauma because of this.

My in laws similarly are kind to my older child, but do not love them as they do their grandchildren (my step children). This is also true of my parents and how they feel towards my stepchildren.

Nobody is traumatised.

Poor child. She has done nothing wrong and had no choice in the fact apart from her mum fell in love with your son

how old is she now ?

yes she has another family and I get the cost of a private school would be double but you can’t treat them so different

the mum and hopefully your son who has chosen to be in This little girls life and take on the role of step dad wont let the divide be so obvious esp in birthday and Christmas presents

so if you go and babysit do you give dil dd a cuddle and kiss etc

I wouldn’t allow my dc to be treated differently and I couldn’t treat two children from the same household differently either.

Both dc will be aware.

You can keep trying to justify it, but a small child will not understand this. You need to treat them equally - you cannot keep arguing about what everyone else might be doing.

My maternal grandmother died when my mum was a child and her father re-married when mum was 14 and her younger brother was 5. Mum never, ever forgot how her stepmother treated her less well than she did her own son, who was also 5 when she married grandad. Mum was still talking about it in her last months, aged 81.

I guess im curious... 2 year olds are pretty loveable sorts, and it sounds like you are pretty involved, so why do you think you havnt developed a natural attachment to this child? I dont think you should be mandated to, but i think you should consider carefully how to handle things moving forward to maintain good relations.

She is 2 years old. Your GD big sister. You are going to be part of her life for a long time. This is not a teenage step child who turns up in many years time.
Love and grandparents do not have to be rationed. You sound mean and I’m glad I don’t know people like you in real life.

I think how you feel is understandable. How you act may not quite be.

Blended families are always going to be a bit difficult. I was widowed young; haven’t planned on meeting anyone else but you never know. And I’m wondering how I’d feel if my new partners parents didn’t even try to love them.

She's known you since she was 2. That's a baby. You're her nan to her for as long as she can remember. Your DS is raising her. I'm baffled at how you can be so cold to a baby. What if he decides to adopt a child? Would you still consider that child not worth spending your time and effort on?

I do get it. I would feel similar because it’s true - your DIL’s DD is not your GD. But I would bend over backwards to hide it because I grew up in a similar situation. My DM was raised by her dad and step mum (who had 3 younger dc together). My cousins were all treated very favourably in comparison to my siblings and me by our GM. Because they were her real GC. In later years, I became very ambivalent towards the woman.

Work hard to hide these feelings and keep the peace. You may be right in your feelings but in this occasion, no good will come of it.

Putting it bluntly - your son will choose his wife. Be very careful.

Treat the girls the same. Either suck up paying more for the new one or spend less on "your" grandchild. It will bite you long term if you treat them differently.

Of course you need to treat her equally. At the very least, if you don't, your DIL will come to resent you and you will find yourself gradually frozen out of your beloved grandchild's life.

You've said you have the time and the money. Even if you don't do it for the right reasons (she's a lovely little girl and is now your son's unofficially adopted daughter) do it to keep your place as granny in that family.

your step GC has a father and 2 sets of grandparents already

they presumably see her, buy her gifts etc. so she’s aware that there are people in her life who are not in her sister’s. She’s not “Cinderella” or second best or any of the emotive nonsense being spouted here, she’s just not your GD.

it’s absolutely fine to spend more time with your GC and buy her bigger presents etc. your step GC’s grandparents won’t be buying your GD a bike or paying her school fees.

i find this insistence on MN that all the kids are treated the same bizarre.