To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I agree you are entitled to feel the way you do and when it comes to things like inheritance if say yes for sure leave it to your biological grandchild but paying for private school or a bike for £200 and then £20 on their sibling is actually really nasty no matter how you want to look at it or regardless of how you feel. She isn't just your son's partners child anymore she's a step daughter.

My eldest has a different father to my yoongest and while he spends time with my parents more than my little ones grandparents because naturally he prefers it and I don't mind that at all I think being blatent like spending a significant amount more is so unkind. id sell the bike and buy them both a gift of same value 😂 sorry but I won't let my children be made to feel inadequate by any one.

I think what she means is that she will do it when the other child isn't there.

I cant understand this op

Your son has married the mother of this very yoing child ..a baby really presuming when they met ? He is a father figure and primary carer to a young child.

You would leave the young one out when you babysit ? I think you are going to find you are not wanted as a babysitter soon.

You say you babysit so they can go out for coffee or have a date night, but who is looking after the older one on those occasions? Or does it basically mean you will only babysit when the older daughter’s father has her?

I think if you want to be genuinely helpful, you need to be open to looking after both, otherwise thisnisnt actually helping.

As for your feelings, I think they are valid. Blended families are complicated and all will be different - so if the oldest daughter lived full time with your son and DIL and had no contact with her biological father’s family at all, you would probably see her as a granddaughter. Since she already has a father and another set of grandparents, it’s not the same. But as I said, feelings aside, if you want to actually help your son and DIL that means accepting both for babysitting.

Fair enough to feel that way, but I do think it’s unfair given the ages. This isn’t a 17 year old who probably isn’t fussed about visiting her step dad’s parents. This is a very young child with a new baby sister.
Obviously you didn’t choose to be step grandparents, but your son chose to be a step parent so if this child is important to him, doesn’t that make her important to you? I wouldn’t let my parents treat my step child like that - even if I understood their emotions and recognised that I couldn’t make them do anything, I’d not allow the obvious favouritism between two very similarly aged children in my house. My parents wouldn’t be taking one out for fun on a Saturday morning (how does it even work for you to say you do that so that the parents can have a lie on if you leave one child). So if they didn’t take both, they wouldn’t take either.
I don’t care that the other child has other family, the relationship between a child and their step family is considerably different to the relationship between a child and their half sibling’s family on the other side. There’s no comparison in my eyes.

In 3 years when the baby is able to recognise the difference, don't you think she's going to feel the blatant favouritism when her big sister has multiple holidays a year and isn't there for half the Christmases?

DIL is a hypocrite. She's put her children in this position. The only grandparents that should be treating everyone equally and providing babysitting for both children is DILs parents. Doesn't sound like they do.

Does your son treat both girls the same?

What would happen if he and DiL had another child by adoption, would you then treat that child differently?

I’ve got six siblings, one of whom is biological. We met young, and I am very close to three of them (females) as adults on my mums side. I have never forgotten or forgiven how my grandparents treated them when we were too young to really understand why. Their behaviour completely soured mine and bio siblings relationship with bio grandparents, an unintended consequence I’m sure but be aware that, especially girl, siblings if close will always choose each other - not you.

Also your GD will grow up knowing the difference. If she's a kind and loving child, she may resent you for treating her sister like a second class citizen. If she's naturally more selfish (ahem, maybe takes after one side of the family), she might use it to be spiteful to her sister. Either way, you'll be causing problems within that little family which your son and DIL will probably have an issue with. Is it worth fracturing your relationship because this little girl isn't your blood?

How you feel and how you act are different things. Real love is acting well when you don't feel it as much. Treat them the same as best you can.

So you are not really doing it to genuinely help out you are doing it because you enjoy spending time with your grandchild.
That's acceptable but you have to be honest with yourself and your son and daughter in law so they don't think they can rely on you

But where is a small child meant to leave her home and go while her parents have a night out and sister stays in the family home?

And if you don't treat them equally then I suspect the parents will do it for you by restricting time woth you across the board.

There is a lot of you, and what you want and like here.

For me, this wouldn't be about me. It would be about 2 young children who are being raised together as sisters.

It's obviously entirely up to you what you do and how much you feel able to help. I would personally prefer to have them both together to assist in their relationship, and encourage their friendship.

The way you are doing and viewing things is, I think, divisive. And I think potentially an unkind way of treating small children.

Of course you don’t feel the same, but for everyone’s benefit, I sincerely hope you are able to stop being so blatant about it.

We’ve been on various sides of this. My DD has half siblings on both sides, and grandparents acting like this have seriously affected relationships. My mil is incredible, has never differentiated, and all of our family relationships are really tight. Her dads family have several step situations, all treated this way, and it has had the opposite affect. Some sibs think their own nan is vile. Parents seeing their own parents for what they really are, stiff family events, distance between siblings, upset in laws - for what? A few quid and one more kid on the sofa for babysitting? Ofc the SGC has another family - and? Why would you want her to feel less than when with yours?

No one can tell you how to feel, and you make logical points.

But they don't owe you time with your grandchild either. If you do things that will leave a small child feeling left out or rejected, then her mother probably won't allow it, and you will see your grandchild less.

You shouldn't use your money as a lever to get your own way. In their position, I wouldn't accept money from you for private school for one child, for example. IMO you either give money to your son to use how he chooses, or you don't give money at all.

The most valuable thing you can gift your grandchild is a relationship with her sibling that is not filled with jealousy and resentment.

Why does love have to be rationed ? Couldn't you work on your bond with the child ?

There is a long road ahead here and yoi would really have a more harmonious relationship with your daughter in law and son if you support their family dynamic

It aounds like you are trying to deliberately make a point with some of this

It doesn’t matter - anyone seriously arguing that they’d be perfectly happy at Christmas giving one child a fancy, expensive bike while her sister gets a puzzle is kidding themselves if they think that won’t have an effect on the children.

These children are growing up as sisters. One is being showered with expensive gifts and special treatment by the grandparents who live ten minutes away, while the other is being explicitly told, in effect, that she isn’t really part of that relationship because she isn’t biologically related.

You can argue about what the adults are technically entitled to do until the cows come home. But children don't experience family relationships as a legal contract. They experience being included, valued and loved or being noticeably treated differently.

I genuinely don’t understand how you could knowingly create that disparity between two little girls who are being raised as sisters and feel entirely comfortable with it. The child hasn't done anything to deserve being on the receiving end of that distinction and if you feel totally happy with that kind of behaviour then it says everything about you. None of it good.

Also try look at it that if they split up and your precious grandchild has a step mum who says theyr not my family's family so they can't come on holiday or they can't have x amount spent on them for Christmas presents would you think that's acceptable?

You can feel however you feel but you need to treat them equally.
What’s this malarkey about your dil asking you to go over and cook dinner?!

I wondered this too! Imagine if OP's son splits up with this woman and he marries someone else whose family treats OP's GD as an insignificant afterthought - I suspect she'd be livid

@SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut
I don’t think it would actually be easy for me to treat them the same. I could make myself do it, but I don’t want spending time with a child to feel like a chore, and I don’t think it would be fair to her for me to fake enthusiasm.

I genuinely loved all those little moments when my own children were growing up, and I’m enjoying experiencing them again with my granddaughter. If I take her out on a Saturday morning, I want to be watching her crawl, feeding her new foods, reading to her... If I took both girls, I might be making pancakes with the older one while missing those moments with my granddaughter. And when my granddaughter is 5, by the same logic, I wouldn’t want to miss making Saturday morning pancakes with her in order to help the older one with homework or to discuss [what 10 year olds are interested in]. I’d much rather spend that time with my granddaughter because I genuinely enjoy it, rather than make childcare for another child into something that feels like an obligation.

to clarify a few more things…
the older girl is almost 5 now, my son and DIL married when she was 2.
My son is simply “Mike” to her. He isn’t her dad, doesn’t want to be called Dad, and her biological dad doesn’t want that either.

sorry living in another country you can't be a very involved dad. you can be involved but not very! come on.

It's such a shame people are so grabby and entitled.

You are not a grand-parent, the little girl knows you are not her grand-parents, there's no reason on earth why you should pretend she is?

As long as you are not unkind, which you are not, what's the problem?

People calling her " a second class citizen" are ridiculous, and probably grabby too. The other grand-parents won't treat the other child like their own, will they? Why should they.

It's absolutely possible to be welcoming and friendly without pretending someone is family when they're not.

She may come as a package but she's a package her DH chose, not his parents. I get that it's a difficult situation but if OP's son divorced, OP may never seen this little girl again. It's difficult and possibly unfair but it's the reality. The bond is unlikely to ever be the same between OP and this little girl, and I'm with OP on this one.