To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

What relationship does the other grandparents have with your granddaughter? How do they treat her? I do understand that your feelings for them will be different. I do think you need to be careful in order to maintain the relationships between you and your DIL and son. If she decides that your stance is unacceptable to her you risk losing your contact with your granddaughter.
The childcare issue would be the one that I would question. If you’re at their house looking after your granddaughter are you expecting them to send the elder elsewhere? Because I think that’s unreasonable. They are step sisters and family to each other. Refusing to look after the elder child seems petty and unhelpful. Time with granddaughter on her own is fine but could be an extra.

Interesting! To be honest, I think that you are being a bit unreasonable. The other little girl is so young that your son may well consider himself another father figure - stepdad, but involved step dad. I think that inheritance issues are different, but I think that you’ll have to embrace the idea that they come as part of a package a bit more than you do now.

"user1492809438 · Today 12:42
Baffles me this cruel attitude towards children who are not 'blood'. Your DIL came as a package. Put yourself in the child's shoes, she's 2 years old , how soon will she notice the different treatment and how will she feel?"

This with bells on, especially since your DIL's DD is so young. I worked with a man who talked very affectionately about his 3 children with whom he had a great bond and for whom he felt very responsible. It was some time before I found out that these were his stepchildren - he had married their mother when they were still young. I acquired a step father as a young adult; there was no distinction between how he treated his grandchildren and his stepgrandchildren; nor did my mum (who became a step mother on her 2nd marriage) distinguish between my children and my step brother's children. These are tiny people whom your son (now a stepfather) has brought into your life - how can you make distinctions and not love them?

You feel how you feel. You act on it you risk becoming irrelevant to your son’s family

She’s not “unofficially adopted” - where did you get that from? She’s got a father and 2 sets of involved GPs. It’s rather offensive to erase them from her life.

if your DIL “freezes you out” for not subsidising her daughter than that’s a pretty mercenary approach from her

I don’t think yabu to feel this way but I do think you have to try to see their family as one unit otherwise it could cause issues. Yes you naturally want to spoil your own granddaughter with big gifts but do you not see that as they get older the other child may wonder why she’s being treated differently by you?

I suppose if she has involved grandparents who want to spoil her in the same way then it can be explained when they are old enough, but it’s never ok to make one child feel lesser without a proper explanation and reassurance. And if she doesn’t have that same level of support and love from her other side of the family then it’s not really fair. I also doubt your son and dil will agree to one child getting private school fees while the other goes to the local comp.

This. ‘You have different grandparents.’

Job done.

If you don’t like explaining facts differences, don’t blend your family.

I think you should probably be led by your son on this.

Present wise you could get her a bigger nicer gift without being at "bike" level, it doesnt have to be the same but it could be a bit more exciting. Obviously for wills etc she has her own GPs so you shouldn't be expected to leave anything to her. She has a father so your son will be very kuch step dad

It’s not like DIL child is 13 so can understand. She’s 2! Why not just treat her the same. She is your GD sister and lives with her full time. It might be different if she was just there at weekends but she’s not. I think because of that you should treat them the same. Obviously feeling towards her will be different to how you feel about your GD but this child is young enough to be made part of your family properly and I think you should treat her as if she’s another GD

I think you are treating a fine line. You sound like a great grandma but I honestly can't understand why you would treat them differently. They are both tiny and both being brought up presumably to some extent by your son. My worry would be whether the other GP would feel pushed out a bit but I would have a frank conversation about that, establish the ground rules and then enjoy spending time with two lovely children.

I don’t have any experience with step families but I think the argument that the older child will feel like Cinderella is an interesting one. The older child surely gets taken out and bought things by her dad and her paternal grandparents? The two children will surely grow up with each of them getting something distinct from their own blood grandparents and will understand that? Why would the older one feel left out but the younger one won’t while the older one gets taken out by her dad? Surely this is just how it is with blended families

YANBU to feel differently about the children. You are unreasonable to treat two sisters so wildly different.

My eldest is not my DHs biological child. Anyone treating him like this wouldn't be heavily involved in our lives at all. Their relationship with eachother, us, and themselves is so much more important than any things you want to give the youngest.

Your treatment of her older sister will impact her, it will impact her relationship with her sister as she grows up, it could make her grow up feeling guilty about how you treat her, or it could make her grow up thinking that she IS more important and deserving than those around her, it will impact the relationships in her home and who she grows to be.

If you don't care about her elder sister feels, do your real grandchild a favour and prioritise her over showing a toddler you're not her real family.

You’re prioritising your feelings over those of a 2-year old, innocent child?? You’d rather penny-pinch and refuse to treat her with the same kindness and love as her sister? I’m appalled and baffled at your cruelty.

Dear god, there will be some colossal chickens coming home to roost before long, including a big fat NC one, I suspect.

You cant help how you feel, but you can help how you behave.

The bairn is young, but she's not going to be naive to how you operate or view her forever, and I can't see the point in making her feel less than for not being "blood" when shes part of your sons family who has just as much right to be there and be cared for equally as your blood related gd.

My step grandmother treated me like you’re treating your sons stepchild. I knew my place in the pecking order and felt it very keenly. By the age of 13, I refused to visit someone who made me feel like shit. Is that really how you want to treat a small child?

It’s fine to feel that way- your feelings are your own. But it’s wrong to show it or make it obvious.

Both children are completely innocent in this, and you stand to get a lot of love from each of them, if you let that happen. So why would you not babysit for both sometimes? Why would you not be generous with both?

As pp have said, you will make an enemy of your DIL, and like it or not, she holds the power. To keep you from the grandchild you do love, and potentially , from your son.

Tread lightly.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

If it were me I would pretend to feel the same and treat them the same. You might end up loving them the same, my sister loves her step grandchildren dearly from this approach. But if not you would at least earn the respect of your DIL, and the gratitude of your son and avoid hurting a little girl

Reading your later posts, it all sounds rather transactional to me. I’ll come over and help but only if I get to spend time with my gc on my terms. Hmmm.

You’re treading on dangerous ground. Be very careful. If you don’t make a friend of your daughter in law you’re liable to be sidelined as time goes by. You don’t feel the same for the little girl. But you have to TREAT her the same. And be prepared to look after her sometimes.

What if your son and partner adopted a child, and then had a biological child, would you treat them differently? I guess you'd say no, but it seems like that is based on the fact that your DIL's child has other grandparents so doesn't "deserve" you.

A child can never have too many people loving them.

What really stood out to me was this: "I’m happy to be kind to her, "

That makes it sound like you don't even really want to be kind to her. Your phrasing says a lot to me.

I also think that you need to consider what happens when or if your DIL goes back to work - she might want both the girls to be together childcare wise much of the time and she might want time with both together more. So your opportunities to be helpful with just one child will be more limited - same if it creates conflict and the older one starts to notice. And you’ll get less contact with both. That’s not your DIL being difficult - most people want GP childcare if it makes their life easier….

You honestly think a man will make sure the daughter of the man his ex married will be treated the same as his own daughter by him or his family?

@NotHerGran I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are convenient for DIL to babysit. If her older child's parents were 10 minutes away, I very much doubt they would ever be asked to babysit the baby. Ask your son how often they have your grandchild at their house? Buy her expensive gifts or babysit.

Before any quotes me, I am a step child. My siblings dad's family didn't babysit me or treat me equally. They aren't related to me.

It's a different situation though, isn't it?

Your granddaughter is being raised in the family home by both her mother and father. She lives with both and sees them every day. Her sister is really not much older and is being raised in this environment too, and she can't be made to feel different or 'less than' in her own home.

Maybe you need to reframe this in your head so that it's not about what you want, but what's good for your granddaughter. You are risking creating problems for her in the future if her sister is treated differently.

I have an older half sister, but I never call her that because to me she's just my sister. We are both closer to my dad's side of the family (my 'blood' family but not hers). They have always treated us equally, and honestly if they hadn't I would have been really upset.

When your granddaughter is older she likely won't thank you for treating her sister differently.