To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

But it doesn’t pan out as neatly as that when it comes to children’s emotions about it.

How they feel they were treated lasts a lifetime and leaves deep scars. It could cause a rift between the sisters or even the couple.

The balance sheet may add up but the consequences could be bad. Just treat both girls the same, even if that means spoiling your gd a little less.

Adoption is a completely different scenario.

The step-daughter already has 2 sets of loving grandparents. You're saying it's only fair if she has three? When the new baby only has 2? Or do you also think step-daughter's dad and gps should treat the new baby exactly the same?

The fact of the matter is that they're not the same. I bet lots of people wouldn't be happy if step-parents started acting exactly the same as bio parents - disciplining, making decisions for the kids, telling them to call them mum/dad, insisting on full visitation after a divorce. So why should step-grandparents act exactly the same as bio grandparents?

A child isn't going to be upset to understand that she has her mum's parents and her dad's parents, while her baby sister also has her mum's parents and her own dad's parents. Or she wouldn't be so long as the adults in her life explain it to her sensibly.

OP, buy small presents and help out with babysitting by all means, but I wouldn't be paying for private school for a child's who has their own family.

You arent unreasonable to feel it at all, you are massively unreasonable to write a post trying to justify to us how much you are demonstrating this in real life to a 2 year old child.

Just think about this for a moment- she's 2. TWO.

Is this really a hill you want to die on?- being almost defiant and proud that you are treating a two year old with considerably less love than her sister?

Also, you are ignoring the fact that favouritism is going to force a wedge between them as siblings and it could affect their future relationship but you dont seem to care about your granddaughter's future relationship with her sibling so crack on. But dont kid yourself you are doing all this in your GD's "best interest".

You aren't.

I agree with this

Then son amd DIL can pay for childcare for both children that DIL chose to have. Or get free GP childcare from her parents.

I don't know... You might feel that way, and I guess you can't help it, but what would it cost you to treat her the same way as your biological grandchild, and open your heart to accepting her as part of your family? Your son has obviously done that. A child can have three sets of grandparents. Families can be extended. I don't know why you'd want to make an issue of "othering" her like that.

I think it’s a really hard one to be honest, but I wouldn’t be happy with my children being treated so differently if I were in her shoes.

Yes the older grandchild will have her father & paternal grandparents but for me that’s a separate thing. Those are her parent/grandparents, separate to her younger sibling and so no they won’t feel the same about her younger child because she isn’t really part of their family. But her first child is, or should be, part of your family. She lives with your son, presumably he plays some form of parental role in her life, she has become part of the family and that includes you. You can feel however you want to feel but I don’t think it is great or fair to treat them so differently unless you want to cause problems.

If I were in DIL shoes I wouldn’t be happy with one of my children being treated so differently to the other especially by people that presumably both children think of as family/grandparents.

Why would it drive a wedge? I'm assuming the older daughter's bio dad doesn't treat his ex-wife's new baby the same as his actual daughter. Will that drive a wedge do you think?

I cannot believe people genuinely think like this.

If your own son and his wife can’t afford an independent education for both of their daughters, they shouldn’t be going as that’s not within their means (as is a lot else, judging from the info you’ve given in your OP).

Right, and if these kids are teenagers, then perhaps that logic flows.

But this is a little girl who met a nice older couple who seemed to love her. Then she experienced the disruption of a new sibling arriving (as well as not living with daddy, having a step dad, moving house...). Now the older couple seem to ADORE the new baby and spoil her, and her treatment isn't the same.

Small child logic = they don't like me.

I don't think the OP needs to treat them exactly the same, but showing her love with a bit more tact and sensitivity would do wonders for the family relationships.

After all, I don't expect the intended outcome is that they sour the relationship between the sisters - which is way more important than the grandparent relationship.

@rosiebr
My son is aware of how I feel and, as far as I know, he understands it. He’s never made comments, only DIL. The situation is a little complicated because DIL’s ex lives abroad, but he is a very involved dad. Before her daughter started school this year, the little girl would regularly go and stay with him for weeks at a time. He even took time off work around the birth of my granddaughter so he could take his daughter to his country and spend that time with her, allow the parents to focus on the newborn, she’ll go to his house to spend a large chunk of the Christmas holidays and all of half term. They’re all very amicable and he is very much an active parent.

It depends, is this a hill you are willing to die on? As I anticipate your son will side with his wife and have the expectation that they are treated the same, and if you don’t tow the the line then expect to deal with the fallout, I’m not saying I agree with this but I’ve seen in play out in IRL.

I agree with this. She’s your step granddaughter and a child who is being raised by your son.
It doesn’t matter that she has another family, your son has chosen to create a family with this woman and her child. This child is now part of your family.

Treating them differently is only going to cause issues.

You obviously love your biological GD and don't feel the same about your sons SD.

Well, you can't help how you feel, but you can certainly control how you act towards them. You should treat them equally; who knows, you may even come to love the other little girl too.

The little girl is the son's step-daughter. She lives with him. Yes, she has family, but she LIVES with him. He acts as her father on a daily basis.

It's not about subsidising, it's about overt favouritism. We're talking about a 2 year old child. Just buy her a bike. Jesus. It's £50.

Some people are so cold hearted.

The living and contact arrangements probably have some bearing on how everyone could feel here. If the older daughter spends more time at mums house then she is probably more likely to notice a difference in behaviour from OP.

I think its a false equivalence to say that the younger daughter might feel left when her older sister does things with her paternal grandparents - that's not going to be happening in her own home is it? Whereas the older daughter is in her own home being treated differently by her stepdads family

My husband was treated favourably by his parents (being the youngest) and his older brother hates him now as a result (even though it wasn't DH's fault). It has ruined their relationship and I have seen this dynamic play out multiple times.

I am not suggesting OP should gush over this child but she's made it abundantly clear that the difference is very obvious.

Also- bear in mind the baby has both of her parents together, the 2 year old doesn't have that luxury

Exactly. Anyone that side-lined my DC would not be an active participant in my life. And by extension, in that of my children.

Fine, continue following your son’s lead.

I think it would be so very easy for you to treat them both the same.

Why not? She’s part of the family now. She’s a little child.

I would really try not to differentiate at all. There is no such thing as too much love and you act as though there this because she has other grandparents.

I really don’t understand the need for differentiate like this. To me it is petty, ungenerous and small.

It could damage her too.

She is part of your family now. I mean if your son and dil decided to adopt a child, would you treat that child differently too?

I really think you need to make sure that even if you feel differently about this child you absolutely do not show it.

@pumpkinpielatte She's not two. Or a school run wouldn't be required. She's at school and will probably meet a lot of children with all sorts of family set ups.

I absolutely could not bring myself to treat 2 young children who lived with my son and DIL any differently to one another.

I actually have a friend in the same position. Both my friend, (and her parents) treat their son's 2 children exactly the same way.

I see your point but I think it's pretty shitty not to treat them equally, particularly when she's been in your life from being so young.

He is not that active a parent if he lives abroad FGS.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, this child has her own grandparents who probably do nothing for your granddaughter.