To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

[NotHerGran]

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and as you say, your DIL's daughter has 2 other sets of grandparents who can do the grandparent things with her, but I expect others will disagree!!

Fair enough. I would feel the same.

You do realise this little girl will very quickly realise she's Cinderella to you? She will know for certain you don't love her and that you treat her differently?

Is that what you want? For her to feel second-best? How you "feel" really shouldn't make you treat a little girl badly.

I think that's unkind.

I think it's fair enough to feel that way, but it is a bit shitty to make it so blindingly obvious to a young child who's done nothing wrong.

I can understand your approach, but think it highly unlikely that your DIL would send one of her daughters to private school if the other one can't go, so you better hope that her grandparents are of similar means to you.

You’re not being unreasonable on the face of it and yes there is a difference and you’re not wrong to feel how you feel but you are very much shooting yourself in the foot as this is inevitably going to cause issues with DIL down the road and may lead to you being less welcome to spend time with both DDs. If you can afford it, why not treat them the same for the sake of the overall relationship even if you don’t feel the same about your DGDs sister? Paying private school fees for one and not the other for example will cause a huge rift between your son and DIL no doubt and DIL will likely forbid her second DD to go to private school if first one can’t. It may also cause a rift between the siblings growing up, do you really want to be the cause of that?

I understand what you mean about gifts etc but in terms of babysitting at their house how does it work? Are you saying that you'll babysit your GD but not your DIL's 2 year old and and she has to go to her own GPs? If so I think you're being very petty and mean towards a small child.

@VickyEadie
I do see that, and it is something I’ve thought about. I suppose my point of view is that the girls will inevitably grow up knowing that they have different dads and therefore different extended families. My granddaughter will know that her sister has her own dad and his family, who love her and have their own relationship with her, just as her sister will know that my granddaughter has her dad and our family. I don’t think that means either child is being treated as second-best, they simply have different families around them.

Baffles me this cruel attitude towards children who are not 'blood'. Your DIL came as a package. Put yourself in the child's shoes, she's 2 years old , how soon will she notice the different treatment and how will she feel?

I agree with this. I think it would be different if your DILs DD was older and able to understand the family dynamics. But she’s really quite young and work understand. She’ll just see her sister being treated differently which could be really quite damaging for her and the family dynamic as a whole.

Ultimately this.

She is also your grand-daughter's sister.

It's not unreasonable to feel the way you do, but I think you have to make an effort to include her, not just for her sake but for the sake of the wider family unit.

Many on here would say it’s fine. For me, it’s not. I wouldn’t deliberately treat the two children differently. For me “blood” is over rated, how you treat people and how you are treated by them matters more. I would not and indeed do not behave as you do.

But before she is old enough to understand this she will know the feeling of being treated as less than her sibling.

Trust me - the child will not see it the way you think she should.

You're also - as others have pointed out - setting yourself up for a rift with your DiL and probably your son.

I think your approach is very understandable, my only concern is whether it will cause issues between the sisters as they grow older. It might be beneficial for your granddaughter to treat her half sister more equally (I don't know though. If she has an engaged father and other family members it may not matter)

I can't imagine having that attitude towards a toddler who has no grasp of family dynamics.

Indeed - but I think she's at least 4 now... She'll be noticing, all right.

Not unreasonable. I don’t love my stepsons (though they were 11 and 13 when I met their Dad)
both who lived with us, one since he was 14.

The bottom line is that your son and his wife have obviously raised this as an issue for their family.

Your choices are

1. treat both children the same. They are sisters, after all.
2. enjoy a low contact relationship with them all

Up to you but choose carefully. This may very well be the hill you die on.

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel how you feel, but when you granddaughter is older, it will be obvious to her that she is “favoured” over her sister and may cause issues between siblings.

@NotHerGran so if your son and DIL decided to adopt a child next, would you also treat the adopted child as 'not my family'?

YABU, and unkind to a small child. I'm very glad my parents were more open-hearted than you, and treated my step daughter as their own.

My DD dated a guy who had children … if it had become serious then DH and I would have welcomed them into the family. You can’t treat them so differently OP.

It’s just really unkind!

Perhaps my view is skewed by the fact I’m adopted and one of my uncles treated me and my brother very differently from other nieces and nephews.

Yanbu. Any differences are for the parent to explain.

People shouldn’t assume that their IL’s will treat their existing children as if they are their DC.

I’d never expect my DM to help out with DSC.

@StayAliveJessicaHyde
If both girls are coming over with their parents, of course she’s welcome and we’re happy to have them both, there will be food, snacks, sticker books for her here. But when I’m babysitting, I’m doing it specifically to spend time with my granddaughter, so I’m not looking to take responsibility for both girls. For example, I’ll usually go over very early on a Saturday and take my granddaughter out for a walk or bring her back to my house so her parents can have a well deserved lie in or some 1 on 1 time with her older daughter. I will enjoy that time with my granddaughter, babbling back and forth, watching her try new foods… I wouldn’t be as keen to make pancakes on a Saturday with a child I’m not related to. Likewise, if DIL needs to do the school run, I’m happy to come over and look after my granddaughter while she sleeps and then stay with her until DIL gets back, but I’m not looking to take on the school run myself. It’s really about the type of help I’m happy to offer, because spending time with my granddaughter is enjoyable for me, rather than excluding her daughter.

You don’t have to love her the same but you should treat her the same. They are sisters and it will become blindingly and painfully obvious as they get older.