To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

I don't think anyone's damning him for not wanting to have sex for whatever reason, but for abruptly saying, after four dates, that he 'wasn't looking for anything romantic'. Then why date? It's like going to four yoga classes and saying you're not looking for anything that involves poses and breathing.

I think he like you too...but once it turned sexual the spark wasn't there for him, and he was a bit clumsy in turning you down
But he is allowed to turn you down

Some of the replies on this thread are truly appalling

Yeah I think a few are saying that, and honestly you can have one date or 100 dates and say you don’t want more. I don’t get this assumption if you go on a date that’s it, you’re in a romantic relationship and you’re entitled to one. As in your words why date,

he dated he decided against going further, likely used clumsy words, and called a halt. It’s difficult when you’re drunk to say actually I’ve decided I don’t want to progress further with you.

it does sound awkward as fuck though for both of them, I don’t think she did anything wrong in propositioning him for sex, I do think she did wrong in deciding he owed her an apology and led her on. If a woman posted a man did that to her there would be outrage and as said earlier, double standards are not ok, we can’t hold men to higher standards than we wish to work to,

But who’s to say you do t look better curvier?? If he’s bi then he might not like ultra femme women. Who knows? It’s hard when you are used to men wanting you. Are you sure your weight gain though is a bad thing? Are you technically overweight now? Don’t let this get in your head. I’m the same as you and a guy wasn’t into me (he wasn’t all that himself) and I angsted over it for ages. Convinced myself I had lost my looks, I was now hideous, too curvy/not curvy enough/wore shit clothes/should have longer hair/wore too much make-up/not enough make up etc etc. end of the day he just wasn’t into me for a reason I will never know. But yeh I’d got to 51 before I’d ever been rejected and it took the wind totally out of my sails. I was even looking into Botox/fillers which is soooo unlike me! (I never did it). Eventually I just realised I was being so vain and up myself that one person didn’t fancy me and my whole world imploded. Gave my head a wobble. You’ll be ok too OP xx

If you're really hungover today, you obviously had a skinful (was he also drinking a lot?), perhaps he was wary of your first time together being when you were both quite drunk? Plus would echo what others have said, I think you have a bit of 'hangxiety'. Try not to sweat it too much, easier said than done of course.

You’ve not done anything wrong OP, let this one go. I suspect he wanted to be the one to initiate sex, and maybe that made his pull back. But whatever - you can do better.

Maybe he kissed you and realized at that point he didn't want to take it any further.
The thing is that we aren't all attracted to everyone. Also you might think you are but when you kiss someone you realize that there's no spark and don't want to go any further.
So from that point of view, he did nothing wrong. It also doesn't not mean that you are unattractive and you shouldn't take it as so. That man wasn't attracted to you but plenty of others will be.
I think he was enjoying your company for a couple of months but really if neither of you has tried to kiss the other by that point (and you eventually asked him), it would indicate that there's nothing really there.
He could have been more honest earlier on.

But please don't take it personally even though it's hard. Think how many men there are in the world and how many of them you are attracted to. It certainly won't be all of them!

What did he mean by he does not want anything romantic? I can understand if he said he does not want a relationship, or anything serious, but romantic I do not understand? (English is not my first language). Why is he dating you and kissing you?

However I think he did the right thing by not accepting your offer of going home and sleeping with you, then telling you this. A lot of men would take advantage of this situation, especially after a night of drinking.

See if he replies and maybe just be friends?

Your figure sounds great. Straight men will be attracted to you. He probably prefers androgynous like pp said?

Perhaps he thought it was a gentler way of ending things than “I don’t fancy you. I thought I did, but you’ve turned me off for whatever reason” would be.

He tells you he is bisexual? Ah I see. So he's gay, of course he doesn't fancy you, sadly. Bi now gay later, as they say (for men especially).

I hope he replies to my message - will feel like a right mug if not.

he also said he left his ex because she wanted marriage and a child. Doesn't mean gay on its own but maybe he's working through something.

don't know. same outcome for me!

This is a bit harsh on the OP, who's already feeling bad.

She has admitted that she messed up when she said that about him leading her on, it was after many drinks and some kissing.

Also, she wasn't saying that he had to sleep with her, but was responding to him suddenly declaring that he's not interested in anything romantic - wtf, why is he dating her if not for romantic reasons?

She didn't pressure him to have sex. But he sounds like a total twat who was deliberately giving mixed signals.

Think no more of it, or him. Hangover paranoia is the worst x

I’ve said it twice and it’s been blanked but I’m certain he has ED and felt embarrassed. For me, it’s not the fact he declined your offer but more the fact he immediately turned cold after and claimed he “didn’t want anything romantic”. I honestly think he panicked because he knows he can’t perform. I wouldn’t have apologised, you did nothing wrong.

Are you hoping he comes back and says sorry was too drunk and asks to see you again?

No. More of a civil response and feeling of resolution.

IE. no bad blood.

I cannot believe some of these replies. How up yourself do you need to be to think that if a man doesn’t want you then he must be gay, or have some issue with his penis working.

Not everyone wants you. Get over it.

Put it behind you. Next!

He sounds like the kind of person who will get you sucked in to an unhealthy relationship pattern. He sounds like he has issues.

I honestly would try to forget him.

He didn’t want to fuck you last night … doesn’t mean he didn’t find you attractive, or doesn’t like your company, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to hang out.

You need to chill out, way too intense.

Yeah. I'm sorry. You will meet someone worth your while, it'll happen x

100%

Adults who kiss one another are usually leading to sex. Especially if there have been several dates. This isn’t high school.

He may not be gay but certainly his behaviour is weird and is likely to be to do with him.