To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

No! No! You've dodged a bullet. He is a power playing loser who wants to purposefully unsettle you.

I genuinely think a lot of men actively dislike women. This is a strong example of "it's not you, it's HIM". A man who is repulsed by a woman who is confident in her sexuality and desire, is a loser. The old Madonna/Whore complex. They want us to be everything, and hate us for it at the same time.

I would block him, honestly. Fuck his tiny ego. Time waster. Maybe he has a micro penis and he chickened out..

@OnlyUsername it had been very low key until then though. Almost platonic. Are you saying that having held her hand a few times and had some drunken kisses, he's obliged to have a relationship with her? How long does that relationship have to last? Does he have to marry her?

He used the line "not looking for anything romantic" as a get-out clause, because it probably seemed less hurtful than the truth ie after a few dates he's decided he's actually not that keen on her. He tried to spare her feelings by making it about him.

Anyone can end a relationship whenever they want, after date one or after 50 years of marriage. No one owes us love, however much we might want it.

Good for you apologising. Hopefully it will smoothe things over and then other than a little bit of embarrassment it is all over.

I’m confused about why you talked about how you were both single and open. You’ve already been out several times, so that’s an odd conversation to have at that point. Makes me think you’ve not actually been dating? You’ve just been hanging out as mates?

He kissed you, and it’s ok for people to kiss and not want to have sex. Even if he got handsy. That doesn’t mean sex, and it isn’t leading you on at all. But I’d be curious if he ever saw this as dating, seeing as you only brought up being single and available last night. He’s kissed you, realised it’s not really there for him, and took you to a taxi. It’s unfortunate if you wanted him, but that happens all the time. No one lead anyone on and he doesn’t owe you an apology for not being attracted to you or deciding it wasn’t what he wanted.

So im reading you can not take rejection.
Leave the guy alone...if a woman had a guy do this well hell.
He is telling you hes not romantically available nor wants sex..perhaps not fully invested as we all have Choices

@Merrybandofpirates i've realised this is about more than just him not being attracted.

i've always been quite stereotypically good looking and not really been turned down in general. This year I had an operation for an illness that caused some weight gain (I still look decent but have felt that change) plus I feel I'm getting older and losing looks a bit.

This rejection feels like a kind of confirmation of all that. There's no way to sugercoat it. He feels how he feels in any case.

@AmberCatz you're sexy as fuck. He's really Gay/asexual. It's him not you.

Get out there and date loads.

he is actually bisexual.

confidence too knocked now but hope I can get out there again....

He said 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'.

If this is true then he should have been upfront about this much earlier. Going on dates, passionate kissing and arse grabbing will be (rightly) interpreted as being open to a relationship, and your response (to essentially call him out on his behaviour) was fair.

It is also possible that this was a lie, because in the moment he felt uncomfortable disclosing the real reason why he'd become distant. There could be numerous reasons for this discomfort. However, if you're going to lie, you have to also bear the consequences of that – including that someone who was clearly attracted to you will feel that they've been led on.

The question for you is whether he was in fact acting that weirdly. 'I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off' - but this means you're also going to be susceptible to confirmation bias. Instead of thinking 'there are many good reasons to not want to go home with someone, so what can I do to try to make the situation less awkward', you've assumed the worst (he's not interested) and then asked him to explain his behaviour. So you may want to have a think about whether this was driven by your hurt feelings, or alternatively (and this wouldn't surprise me) if you've intuited entirely accurately that he's a bit shady and have therefore dodged a bullet.

He kissed you because you asked him for a kiss then he carried on as kissing is nice. He ultimately doesn't fancy you enough to take things further.

At least he didn't sleep with you then leg it permanently. That would have felt worse than a snog followed by a sexual snub.

Just don't speak to him again.

How old are you @AmberCatz ? I'm 58 and can still pull often younger men. I'm happily married though but it's flattering. Age is no reason to be single or feel unsexy. And I'm a bit overweight.

Your confidence needs a boost that's all. Maybe find something really flattering to wear. Have a pamper. Change of hairdo? New lipstick.

You need do nothing other than let him go. It's just a misunderstanding. Don't overthink it as intrusive thoughts are simply not helpful .

This. He’s quite possibly gay and was trying out being bi before realising it’s not for him. It’s not that uncommon.

Ah well. Maybe he really has someone else?

I'm 33. And I did feel sexy last night before this occurred!

I had a new figure hugging dress for my hourglass shape (which is something) and a great lipstick. I feel I presented my best self and he still was not into me.

But obviously happy to kiss for long enough and grope, just for fun it seems.

You know I'm not saying that, clearly. How very AIBU of you.

I am saying that his choice of words would make anyone feel like they had misread the signs that he was romantically interested so he isn't sparing her feelings at all. It is saying, literally, I never fancied you. He should have been honest and said the spark isn't there after a few dates. For about the tenth time.

He said no. He said 'I have no one in my life like that, man or woman. I'm single.' And then he asked me, and I clarified in the affirmative. Then the first kiss.

would be a more pleasant explanation! Though I can't assume to make myself feel better :)

I don't think he did anything wrong 🙈 if he didn't like you, he wouldn't have gone out with you. You asked for a kiss, he agreed. Maybe that confirmed to him that there was no spark hence him saying he doesn't want anything romantic. You've got the fear and I get it but it also comes across that you're stroppy because he didn't want to go home with you.

Perhaps your hourglass figure was just too feminine for him.

It won't be for most men though.

plus I feel I'm getting older and losing looks a bit.

Didn't you say you were only in your early 30s?

No need to be embarrassed. Its a him problem. Who dates for 2 months but doesn't want a romantic relationship?

yes but as I said, it's partly linked to some weight gain this year and being through an operation. I'm not big but i am curvier.

I was delighted when I met this guy organically (not an app) and through friends. Building a connection I was keen to sleep with someone I felt comfortable with too. Sad at how it's worked out. I do miss romance and the physical aspects of a relationship. It can get quite lonely.

And sex aside - I really liked him. We clicked the first day we met and I've enjoyed his company thoroughly. I'm sad it ended this way.

Maybe he just found that he wasn't into you after all. That has happened to us all. There is no objective standard of attractiveness. It doesn't mean you're less attractive because somebody has a change of mind. Nobody is fancied by everyone. Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp could be throwing themselves at me and I wouldn't bat an eyelid -even before I ever heard anything bad about them as people. It's not fair to blame him for the way you feel.