To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

You are correct though - he did lead you on. You are looking for something romantic. He should have been straight about that from the get go.

This.

Maybe your kissing styles aren't a match? I went on a coupke of dates with someone, and we kissed on the second. I really didn't enjoy the kiss so I knew I wouldn't enjoy the sex. I told him I wasn't feeling the connection I was looking for and never saw him again. If he'd said I'd been leading him on, he would have got a punch in the face.

If you actually used the words "leading me on" to him, and were referring to no sex after kissing (as opposed to him dating for months, kissing you passionately and then claiming he just wants friendship) then yes, you were out of order.

If you meant "dating and now kissing when you had no interest in a relationship" you weren't out of order.

Either way, he is also out of order for turning round and telling you he just wants friendship after just snogging you on a date. If he'd been feeling that is the way things were going, the time to tell you was before kissing you last night not after.

Don't do anything today, let the hangover settle, then decide if you want to apologise and block, or just block. Either way, you don't want the same things and he messed you around so not worth trying to chase any more.

@OooPourUsACupLove yeah snogging me and then saying no romantic connection was surprising. Usually things build slowly. A handhold here and there (as he first initiated), more touches, hugs, kiss etc..I've never gone through all that for it to come to naught once hot and heavy. I guess it does happen.

What started the argument which lead to him eventually saying not interested was him walking ahead of me for several minutes. I called him out, said I found it unacceptable to leave me behind in the street like that.How do you go from arm round me and kisses 10 mins previous to that?

I'm utterly bemused by all these people giving this guy a hard time for saying he doesn't want to sleep with her.

Also, it sounds like the OP was pretty drunk. Could it have been that you thought he was being distant on the walk back but actually he was a lot more sober & realised you were v drunk and didn't want to engage more. Perhaps when you asked him what gives it sounded a lot more aggressive than you meant because you were a bit drunk and that made him uncomfortable and that is why he said he wasn't looking for anything romantic??

‘Usually’?

I’ve not had sex with everyone I’ve kissed, and I don’t think I’m unusual in that at all. Maybe he was interested initially, but the spark just wasn’t there for him to want to take it any further.

Just chill out op, no damage done; you had fun and a few snogs etc; and hes told u at the end of the night didnt want to take it further. No harm done. Pls don’t contact that looks weirder, let him get in touch first. If he doesn’t, move on.

Also u seem naive to the dating world, in my experience, this happens a lot; some people are not clear from the outset about want they want, which is unfair, as this situation then arises

If this was a roll reversal then I think people would be calling the man all sorts.
It works both ways, men can refuse sex as well as women.

I'm really upset. I stopped drinking to excess years ago. Worst hangover in years.

too late for no contact - I already did, a short message. No reply so far. I feel like I came across as quite a strong cool person before this, now that's ruined.

A big problem was that I tried to get a taxi immediately after he turned down coming home with me. But I couldn't get one for over an hour, which lead to walking partly home with him and continuing to try and find a taxi en route. Meanwhile my hurt feelings were festering. Not blaming this but being drunk was a problem.

I’m also appalled at some of the replies.

Women seemingly holding men to higher and better standards than they think women should adhere to. How the fuck is that even a thought that should be articulated.

Bleating we don’t want men to do it, demand sex, get angry when they don’t get it and drunkenly claim to have been led on as you kissed them and went on a few dates, but hey if a woman does it, it’s ok as it’s different, no no it’s not.

and as for the responses claiming she was entitled to a romantic relationship basically as he dated her, words fail me, again, we don’t let men away with that shit, we demand we can date and call a halt at any time, but apparently it’s ok if a woman demands and feels entitled. Again. No no it’s not.

and then we have the ones declaring he must be gay or have ed. But if a man said the same about a woman, she didn’t want to shag hou, she must be gay mate, or maybe frigid, again there would be an outcry. But hey it’s ok for women to pull that shit?

the op seems to know she behaved poorly, likely due to too much booze, and the hurt of rejection, and sure he used clumsy words, also likely due to too much booze and awkwardness as he didn’t wish to progress further.

but as women we do not get to demand certain standards of behaviour from men, then do all the things we don’t wish them to do, and bleat but it’s different for us, no it’s not. We adhere to the same standards or higher.

Given the kissing and the fact you'd all been drinking heavily, I would say he was concerned he wouldn't be able to 'perform' and lashed out at you as a way of redirecting his anxiety about it.

If it was me id probably be a bit weirded out that it went from just a couple of snogs to "fancy coming back to mine for a shag?"

I actually think this was the clincher for inviting him home! We went outside after lots of kissing in two pubs, he pulled me close and grabbed and squeezed my bum several times.

That's when I invited him back.

he told me earlier in the evening since his break up he'd had 'hook ups' so he didn't seem like the kind of guy to be so put off? and we'd been out several times.

Now imagine a man saying that, after a date with a woman who kissed him but didn’t have sex with him. And then calling her a lesbian and insulting her anatomy. He’d be considered a predator. But it’s ok for here, because it’s a bunch of women insulting a man who didn’t want to sleep with someone.

I’m going with he has erectile dysfunction! 🙈

That sounds similar to what a guy told me once when I had the audacity to refuse sex after seeing him a couple of times.

He'd heard id had a ONS with someone he knew so assumed i was "up for it" and he got pissy that id led him on.

Really not cool.

I messaged my best friend who was with us last night and told her what happened.

She replied saying 'So weird we (her and her partner) talked this morning and were like yep they are really into each other - but i'm with you, what a headfuck.'

just helped me to feel it wasn't all me if others could see it,

"No! No! You've dodged a bullet! She's a game playing cock tease who purposely wanted to frustrate you.

I genuinely think it's because a lot of women can't really handle a flesh and blood man. What right does she have to kiss you in a bar, grope your ass, make out like she was up for it, then turn down having sex with you? Probably she's a gold digger, figured out you had money, was trying to turn your head that way... you know the thing women do, they need men but play hard to get...

Just block her. She's probably got droopy tits and a dry vagina cos shes frigid as fuck anyway. At least you didn't waste your time."

Is any of this ok do you think?