To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

[AmberCatz]

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

He declined to have sex with a very drunk woman at her home, I think that’s pretty sensible and shows restraint and respect to you both. It was a Tuesday night so assuming he had work today while you don’t.

Sorry but you’re way overblowing this. Four dates doesn’t mean you know this man. People take years to get to know. I think I saw your earlier thread and people were telling you that eleven hour dates were a red flag but you dismissed it then. Fancying someone and snogging them doesn’t mean you’re involved in a relationship.

Seriously you’re building this up like a teenager not someone who’s actually been married.

OMG. DON'T apologise.
He seemed keen, you asked, he said no.
You didn't do anything awful.
He was probably as drunk as you. So what?

Just leave it. Let the whole thing die down. But rushing to message him saying I'm so sorry, etc is mad.
And its too much drama...
If you are embarrased about last night how do you think it will come across if you are rushing to contact him again today. Its going to look like you are chasing him, after he said he wasn't interested.

You WERE hurt.. why apologise for speaking the truth?
Its not pressurising when you accept when someone says no.

To me there seems to be a bit of an element of playing games by him. Could he be one of those hot/cold guys... who get a bit of an ego boost out of leading people on and then being chased. I could be completely wrong here.

Drink some water, eat and stop worrying about it. Plan something else nice to do this weekend with your friends and put this to the back of your mind.

You aren't being unreasonable - it's just an awful feeling. At least he's been clear with you. Don't contact him but if your paths cross be light and pleasant. He hasn't done anything wrong but neither did you.

the issue is I went too far, I said he owed me an apology and expected him to give me! He was like em, no.

I shouldn't have given a hard time at the end and yes partly because he was working today while I'm not and we needed to get home. I didn't actually realise he was working given he kept wanting to extend the night,

How old are you both? Is there any chance he might be a virgin?

no chance! We're early 30s. He's not a virgin.

He broke up with someone two years ago and has been doing 'occasional hook ups' since then - he didn't even want that in this case.

I'd probably send just one message to him to clear the air as you have mutual friends. Say something like 'hi, I just wanted to say sorry for how things ended last night. I was a bit surprised you said you weren't interested in anything romantic because of the dates and the way you responded to us kissing. But I realise now that I've sobered up that I overreacted. I'm sorry, I know you don't owe me anything and I should have just left it. Take care'

Then draw a line under it and move on

@Doubleknow surely everyone is familiar with the line "I don't want a relationship at the moment" which really means "I don't want a relationship with you". It's considered less hurtful than the truth, which is that the person just doesn't like you enough.

It's a horrible thing to do to make out like the OP misunderstood his intentions the whole time and he never wanted to date her. As you say, just be honest and say the spark isn't there.

I think he probably realised you were drunk and maybe did want to go home with you but thought this might not be the right time, he might have been a bit clumsy about that, but if he had gone home with you and you'd both had sex, he was possibly worried there was the potential you'd regret it today. I don't think he's behaved badly at all or proven he doesn't fancy you. I do think you need to say something though

Ah in that case, just let him go. Not worth any more of your time. Someone else will come along, who gives you no doubt about how much he fancies you! x

You have had 4 dates the intensity you are showing makes it sound like you are going through a divorce, he has probably moved on, you sound way over invested

If you get like this often maybe stop dating

Exactly this. He probably has ED and had forgotten to bring his viagra. 🙂

Excuse me? How rude. Ignore this Op!

Haha, agreed with both.

@Seziah is every kiss meant to lead to a relationship? Even if the people involved are really drunk?

Yep. This is a GF and/or a troll. Depends on their mood.

No, but you don't tell someone you were never interested in the first place after 2 months of dates. That's cruel.

Strange one.

Just move on. He's been a bit weird. How old is he? Could he be a virgin and worried about his 1st time?

To be fair to the OP here, this guy needs to lay it out. Is he interested or not. Fair enough he doesn't have to had sex to show he cares but he punished her for wanting sex, thats why the date finished in bad terms. If the guy had said, sorry i want to take things slowly or whatever but as soon as she gets frisky he acts like shes a problem. Jeez, dont be too hard on yourself, i think he did lead you on to a degree. And honestly i dont think he is interested. Sorry

Better that than sleeping with you then dumping you.

Just forget it and move on

Better to find someone who actually likes you than spending ages agonising. I've been in that sort of situation then later realised I had really pulled every trick in the book to get a date but she just was not really that interested. 2 weeks later you forget about them, or should do.
You think this is the person of my dreams the reality is unrequited love does not exist at all.

I think there’s way too little information for anyone to judge whether he’s playing games, has low self esteem or anything else.

IMO It’s more likely be that at one point he was interested, and now for whatever reason he isn’t. It happens. It doesn’t mean he led you on or had any nefarious intentions at all. “I’m not looking for romance” is a version of “it’s not you, it’s me” - a way to politely disengage that doesn’t put any fault on the person on the receiving end.

“You’ve led me on” doesn’t sound great coming from anyone, man or woman.

for better or worse I sent him a short message and apology.

I felt it was necessary.

Nothing wrong with that. Best of luck.