AIBU to want our wills to prioritise children over grandparents and siblings

[LauraTheExplorer89]

My DH and I are writing our wills. We have a 3.5 year old and 1 year old and have decided that the best parental guardian for our children would be my mum. She already lives a 2 min walk away, has the kids a few times a week and is an excellent grandmother. My husband's parents are 10 years older than my mum and live 3 hours away and although they love the kids and are great at reading to them and playing, they are not as engaging/hands on with the tougher routine stuff and we agree that they would not be the obvious choice compared to mum. Despite this, husband has said he feels guilty and wants them included in the will as wouldn't want them to feel left out. What do people usually do here? I've explained to him I feel like it's better to be as clear as possible as we don't want all of the grandparents debating who will be responsible for the children if the worst were to happen to us. Further, I definitely feel like what is best for the kids would be to have my mum care for them with her being much closer to them, logistically and in relationship.

In addition to this, he's said he thinks he wants to leave some money to each of his 3 older siblings in our will. For context, my husband is only one with children and it's likely this will remain the case. All of his siblings work and now have decent jobs, although, none own a house and his oldest sibling actually still lives at home. My husband and his siblings are all very likely to inherit a decent amount of money from his parents (probably £200k each) so at some point hopefully they'll all be able to get on the property ladder if that's what they want to do. My husband and I own our house with a mortgage and took out life insurance policies when we had children. We would not have as much money as his parents in comparison to pass on and I would like all of what we have to go to our two children. Is it normal to leave money in your will to siblings? I also have a younger sibling who with his wife (they don't have children yet) is in a similar financial situation to me and my husband and I told my husband that we would definitely expect to be included in each other's wills to which he agreed that we shouldn't leave money to my brother as he doesn't need it. I think I reacted quite strongly which upset my husband but I'm just not sure where he's coming from on this one.

Can you find a way to do both things?

So name your mum as the guardian for the kids, with your brother as the second option. And then specify that it is your express wish that whoever is their guardian continues to foster the strong existing relationship between the children and his parents.

Split house and money 50/50 between the kids but leave something important and moving to his siblings so that they are acknowledged? Family jewelry? All of his books? His tools? Etc?

“Left out”? What kind of batshittery is that? Your will is about providing for your children, not dividing up the spoils and giving family money because they aren’t given the “prized possessions” they see your children as.

My sister is my child’s guardian if we die. I chose her because she would make the effort to maintain links with my husband’s family, but we also wrote it explicitly in the will that she should. That’s all that’s needed.

When you have young children you need to prioritise them above all else.

Your Mum named as Guardian, money left to the children In Trust so that your Mum can access it to care for them.

Review every 5 years or if circumstances change.

Your DH is seeing his Will as more akin to giving out Christmas presents than leaving provision where needed.

And if something happened to him alone, leaving you a single parent in a single income household I’m not sure why his siblings would be receiving money.

If his parents have any common sense or understanding they will completely understand the choices you have made around Guardianship. If they kick off it makes the decision even more obviously the right one.

He’d rather leave money to his siblings than his own children if the worst were to happen? WTF is all I have to say.

YANBU

I agree with Aabbcc1235 - there are better ways to manage all this - and his guilt. Items his siblings would value is going to mean more than cash, especially in the situation described.

Definitely over complicating it. Make both sets of parents executors, leave assets to your children (executors will control until of age) and appoint appropriate guardian (your mum? Your brother and wife?).

You can write a statement of wishes for the care of your children, so you could state your parents would care for them but they should have regular contact with husbands parenta, not sure if this is legally binding or enforceable though.

I would just leave the money to our children. It's not a typical expectation to inherit from a sibling unless you are their only living relative. Especially if the siblings will inherit from their parents. I'd push back on that.

My will leaves ‘ gesture’ money to my siblings. Just a bit so they can buy a nice thing with it. Don’t know if that helps.

we had ours set to leave to our kids if we both passed and then split 50/50 to each side of all of us passed eg in a car crash or similar. As we have gotten older we have decided we would want (in the event all four of us go) to leave more to our two nieces who we are closes to (50%), 25% to our other nieces and nephew and 25% to DH sister. The children are all in my side as there are only our kids on dh’s side but we feel if all we f us go, we would want our estate to help the young generation rather than my sil and bil to just have more holidays (no shade they can do that, they are child free).

We always stated who we wanted to look after the kids as well. You need to be clear so there are no arguments.

The only reason my siblings are in my will is because I have no children. I've also left some to my nephews and nieces. If I get very old I'll probably change my will and leave it all to the nephews and nieces. I would never expect my siblings with children to leave me any money!

You need a back up option for your mum as her health may deteriorate. Also your mum is 61 now but in 5 years too she will be 66 and personally I think that is still quite old to look after two small children. Potentially she may die and then your children will have lost their parents and then there second care giver. I think it potentially it could be easier to just put your sibling. Or put your mum now and you will need to update in a few years time.

Definitely do not leave money to anyone but your children. Then put it in trust until they are a certain age with whomever as guardians being able to access for the children?
if you leave in a will to any parent - what happens if they go into care - it will get swallowed up. What happens if they die. It will go to whoever is in their will.
Your only concern should be your children.

as someone who’s been in this position, in terms of guardianship you need to be very clear and your parents sound like the more sensible choice.

in terms of money, generally it all goes to your children, if something happens to you all, then you can divide between siblings etc

If you have children the bulk of your financial estate should go to them. Sentimental items or a small gesture for a specific thing would be more usual for extended family. Ie I know my mum has left a token amount to nieces/nephew to get a keepsake to remember her by.

In terms of looking after the children you do need to be clear who that will be - but perhaps your parents in law could be jointly responsible for administering any financial trust you set up for the children. you may also want to consider if for any reason your mum becomes unable to look after the children who would be your next choice. Often (as in our case people opt for a sibling as they are often younger and more able to provide long term care for children) your post suggests your mum is quite young though.

After your spouse, why would you leave anything at all to anyone other than your children, apart from maybe some notional bequests (to my cleaner - £100").

Obviously in circumstances where you are both no longer around the will should provide some funding for your mother to look after them until adulthood. And that's it.

Your DH is being rather stupid.

Your H is being ridiculous. The priority if you both die will be providing for your children. Nothing else. Does he think he's in some kind of popularity contest?

I dont think you should name you're mother as guardian she could more than likely die before you..you're younger brother would be a more suitable choice. We named my husbands cousin as our childrens guardian as he had no siblings and to be honest I didnt trust my siblings enough to place my children in their care...

If you both agree the children should go to live with your mum then any money should be left to the children and your mum. Your mum after all would have to be financially responsible for them if the worst happened so it would only be fair to help her with this.

Sorry if I've missed this but are you doing this formally through a solicitor? After our mother passed recently, her will was clear cut. My brother and I main beneficiaries, apart from a lesser amount for his daughter (her only grandchild). No provision for anyone else. As others have suggested, a token amount or sentimental item would suffice. Legal fees for drawing up wills aren't as frightening as they used to be.

I would add a clause in the will that if your mum passes first, his parents are the second choice. This way they're included in the will.

I would absolutely not include siblings when I have children. This is diverting assets away from your own children. Bizarre idea

IHT wise you want to leave down the generations certainly not to your parents. Siblings aren't a bad option if you don't have children / have a parental style relationship to them etc. You might also have specific objects like jewellery or other family heirlooms you want to leave to your siblings.

You can make money available to support your parents/siblings in raising your children without leaving your assets directly to them (though in some cases you might want to do so ie. £sum to my mother in consideration of her efforts in caring for x and y, notwithstanding that if it's a large sum and she's wealthy it may increase the IHT burden for her estate)

You need a solicitor who does wills.

Who you select as a guardian for your children isn't about fairness between the adults but about what's least worst for the kids and that might change over time. If your kids were 17 and 15 they may be best cared for by someone who can support them to stay in their current home, even if that person is quite elderly and there's a chunk of mutual support going on. Whereas at their current ages they may be better moving to join another household with adults who are of a similar age to you.

this is correct

This.

You're very organised to plan wills while having GPs and DPs alive!