AIBU to want our wills to prioritise children over grandparents and siblings

[LauraTheExplorer89]

My DH and I are writing our wills. We have a 3.5 year old and 1 year old and have decided that the best parental guardian for our children would be my mum. She already lives a 2 min walk away, has the kids a few times a week and is an excellent grandmother. My husband's parents are 10 years older than my mum and live 3 hours away and although they love the kids and are great at reading to them and playing, they are not as engaging/hands on with the tougher routine stuff and we agree that they would not be the obvious choice compared to mum. Despite this, husband has said he feels guilty and wants them included in the will as wouldn't want them to feel left out. What do people usually do here? I've explained to him I feel like it's better to be as clear as possible as we don't want all of the grandparents debating who will be responsible for the children if the worst were to happen to us. Further, I definitely feel like what is best for the kids would be to have my mum care for them with her being much closer to them, logistically and in relationship.

In addition to this, he's said he thinks he wants to leave some money to each of his 3 older siblings in our will. For context, my husband is only one with children and it's likely this will remain the case. All of his siblings work and now have decent jobs, although, none own a house and his oldest sibling actually still lives at home. My husband and his siblings are all very likely to inherit a decent amount of money from his parents (probably £200k each) so at some point hopefully they'll all be able to get on the property ladder if that's what they want to do. My husband and I own our house with a mortgage and took out life insurance policies when we had children. We would not have as much money as his parents in comparison to pass on and I would like all of what we have to go to our two children. Is it normal to leave money in your will to siblings? I also have a younger sibling who with his wife (they don't have children yet) is in a similar financial situation to me and my husband and I told my husband that we would definitely expect to be included in each other's wills to which he agreed that we shouldn't leave money to my brother as he doesn't need it. I think I reacted quite strongly which upset my husband but I'm just not sure where he's coming from on this one.

Everything is left for the children with whoever is their day to day cared having access to the funds they need to raise your children.

i wouldn’t dream of leaving anything to any other adults, my children are the priority.

When my DNs were little DB & SIL left their entire estate to me and custody of my DNs. They knew I’d raise my DNs they way they wanted and wanted me to have the freedom to do this without any restrictions. It’s void now as DNs are adults who now inherit everything.

For us everything is left for our DDs with SIL & BIL as guardians with access to funds they need via a trust.

Dont over complicate it. You can ask in the will that your DM dose her best to facilitate a good relationship with other GPs and family but in the end she needs to be free to make all decisions if she’s raising your DCs.

We have set out

• if one of us dies - almost everything to each other
• we both die - almost everything to kids in trust until adults, sibling/DH sibling to be executors/trustees and determine living arrangements for children at time. (No grandparents who would be suitable)
• if children die with us (so a catastrophic car crash for example) most of the money split across nieces and nephews. There is an equal number on each side of family. You could substitute for siblings here.

Re. guardianship, what you need to do is write a letter of wishes explaining that while your mum will be their main carer and guardian, you want the other grandparents to continue to be actively involved in their lives. Letters are easier and cheaper to change than wills, so if something were to happen to your mum’s health, you could easily make any appropriate changes.

Leaving money to siblings is unusual, so unless there are particular reasons, I wouldn’t. It would be especially weird if your husband did that but you didn’t.

Why don’t you say to him you will rewrite your wills when your children are grown, and can consider leaving something to his siblings then? This isn’t something you only have to do once. It would be outrageous to do anything other than focus on maximising support for two small children in the unlikely event of you both dying. I know children who lost one parent young and in every case the surviving parent felt they couldn’t return to work full time as the children needed so much support. You want your money going to enable you mother to provide them with therapies and activities and facilitate contact. Possibly it may help by setting out ways you’d want to ensure his parents stay involved, eg them taking them over midterm or something like that? Or you could put a request that a certain amount of money is set aside every year so his siblings can take them to the pantomime? I think you’re coming at it practically and he is worried about creating ill feeling and breaking bonds with his family so refocus on how to achieve that for him without doing something bonkers

It's not unusual to leave a token amount to siblings, or leave some property, especially if it family heirlooms.

Leaving a large amount is a bit more unusual though.

Both sets of parents are unsuitable Guardians imo. Your Mum may be healthy and fit now, but in 15 years time ? Unless you intend updating your Wills every three or four years, I’d appoint Guardians who are a similar age to yourself.

If you do go with your Mum, you could add a clause that you’d wish her to ensure your children maintain close contact with their other grandparents.

There is absolutely no reason for your DH to gift anything to his siblings unless he has a huge Estate. Why lessen what your own children would receive.

I have left keepsakes to siblings and close relatives. Money and assets to DS. When DS was young we had one guardian who ould step in if we died. This was my sister. We also had a side letter which set out our wishes, though this was bot legally binding. This set out some broad guidance on how the kids should be raised and there need for contact with both sides of the family

With regard to guardianship of your children, who will be handling their financial trust? We left guardianship to my sister and husband but dh's siblings were named with them and 1 grandparent to manage the money (the money was to be used to bring them up, wasn't expecting my dsis to foot the bill for that).

I might be misunderstanding your question and posts. But I think you are asking two slightly different things:

• firstly, should you leave money to your families (parents/ siblings) in your will as well as to your children?
• secondly, who should you place as guardian(s) for children if you die?

Apologies, if I’ve misunderstood and you only want to leave money to a relative if they are going to act as guardian.

I think it matters how much you will have to leave. I think from what you say, that you are talking about a very ordinary situation here, and so this isn’t about some incredibly fortunate couple with millions in the bank who want to make their family’s lives better if they die. You have a mortgage and life insurance and perhaps some savings and investments.

In that situation, most people leave everything to their children. Maybe the odd bequest to charity or a certain treasured possession to a sibling or something.

It would be very unusual to leave money to siblings and particularly odd to leave it to parents. These are grown up people earning their own money, living their own lives, and not (as far as I can see) currently financially supported by you.
Now, if you didn’t have children, it would be a completely different matter, but you do.
Why would either of you want to take money away from your children to benefit their grandparents and aunts/uncles? Unless you have millions to leave, it seems a strange thing to be considering. Especially if your children are young enough to require guardianship if you died now. You’ll surely want them, and so their guardians, to have access to funds to support their futures (living costs, university, a start in life afterwards), and not use that so that your parents and siblings can have, what? A bit of cash for a holiday or something???

Absolutely, you need to sort out a plan for who will take the children if you both died. That’s always incredibly hard, but you don’t need to leave money to that person/people, you have a will that means your children and their guardians could use money, in trust, to fund their expenses. You absolutely do not want to pass money you want used to benefit your children onto someone else with the hope or expectation that they would do the right thing with it. You tie it up to your children.

Edit: to say that I keep using ‘you’, as a collective for you and your husband, but I think I mean, ‘why on earth would your husband want to…’ in the main.

No you do not leave money to working, middle-aged --feckless-- adults at the expense of your own vulnerable, orphaned, pre-school children.

Parentless children need every penny they can get. Not to mention your estate might be liable for inheritance tax, which takes no account of the age of the inheritors.

When our DC were small, DH announced he wanted to leave £20K to his best friend, who was like a brother to him.
I asked him what he thought would happen if we didn't have any liquid assets to fill that bequest; he assumed it just wouldn't happen. I had to point out to him that, that bequest would be first in the pecking order, and if we didn't have liquid assets, our home might have to be sold to accommodate it, unless his BF was happy not to receive the cash.
I then pointed out, that whatever I thought of my friends and family, my children would always come first.
Our wills now state everything to our DC after both deaths.

Tell your husband that if you both die while both your children are minors it will be a complete tragedy and a devastating loss for your children so:

a. your children will need every penny you leave just to get through to young adult life so forget leaving anything to siblings

b. your children will need the best and most appropriate person as guardian - that is your mum.

I think your dh is writing his will thinking of it as an expression of love - bit like an academy award winners speech - mentioning everyone. but when your kids are little it isn't. It is a grim thought process of figuring out what would happen if the worst thing in the world DOES happen. For most of us, thankfully, if simply doesn't happen at all.

He can remake his will once your children are grown up and settled if he wants.

Protect your children, your brother is an adult who is financially able to provide for himself, the same for your husbands siblings. Leave all to your children in the event of both parents dying.

It is highly unusual to make provision for siblings once they are adults as they have the ability to provide for themselves.

re Guardians in the event of both your husband and yourself dying at the same time, your mother won’t live for ever and if she is already aged that is a lot of responsibility to put upon her. Give consideration to a sibling or trusted friend and the obvious financial provision that would need to be made for your children.

I agree with others that your children are your priority as they're financially dependent on you. DH's siblings are all child-free and we haven't left them any money, they don't need it.

Re. Guardianship. IMO, the best approach is to consider who would make the best guardians for your children. Your children's welfare is the priority. It sounds as if your Mum would be the best person, followed by your brother and his wife. Your DH's family doesn't need to be told what's in your Wills and it's highly unlikely that guardianship will ever be necessary.

I'm an only so we had to ask two of DH's siblings to be the guardian and backup guardian. One of his sisters and her DH were left out and likely would've been a little upset if they'd known so we kept it quiet. We had our reasons -her DH has some problems that we thought would negatively affect our children.

If you don't think that certain people would welcome your children/be able to cope with them/have problems that concern you, put your children's welfare first.

Re the children, you need a living will. The usual is a car crash/accident and the children need to be placed with someone, that would be your Mum. Then SS will assess her, if you write her as guardian, that will go in her favour. You don't always get to choose, SS play their part. His parents wouldn't get residency of your children, so don't include people unless you want them to take the children. It will end up being decided by a court.
I'd see this a a red flag and you need to consider if you died, would your DH give away the children's inheritance in the future. It's ridiculous to give money away when your children are going to be fully dependent. Have you discussed were your Mum would live? I know a woman in her 70s who can't get upstairs and her house isn't suitable for a stair lift, but the HA hasn't got suitable housing because she has residency of her grandson.
@TheJoyousHiker at 75 the OPs Mother would be a fit carer for a 18 and 15 year old.
Everyone should revise their wills every few years.

Nothing for siblings. Make sure younger grandparents are happy to be guardians should the worst happen, and then have that in the will. No need to tell anyone else. And no money to anyone other than kids.

Well your DH is making it more complicated than it needs to be.

100% left equally to your children.

Your mum named as guardian if anything happens to you but with a written note in addition to the Will to say you wish for the other grandparents to continue to be in contact and part of the children's lives.

Not legally binding but showing your wishes.

It's really not normal to leave money to siblings once you have children of your own. Your own children should take priority.

We have done exactly the same. Except in point 3 (like the OP) our siblings don't have kids, so we've left to our siblings equally, but only if we and our kids all die and there are no grandkids.

For the people nominated as guardians for children if we die (who we asked first of course!), we haven't left them money directly, but they would be able to access kids' money in order to look after them until they reach adulthood.

You can’t predict your mum’s future health - we don’t know what’s around the corner, which is why you are drawing up wills now. I’d definitely ask your brother and wife to act as back up guardians in case mum was unable to for what ever reason.

@Ponoka7 Yes, we're about to revise our Wills as our youngest is nearly 18. I'm relieved that we no longer need to include guardians tbh although I've spoken to DD (21) who's v. savvy, about advising/guiding her brother if something happens to us in the next few years.

It’s mad to leave money to siblings. My DH aunt did this. She did leave a bit to my DH and his sibling, and their kids to be fair, but most went to her sibling who inherited most of the estate from her just before they turned 90.😂
I know it’s her money and her decision, but couldn’t help feeling that the generations below her could have made better use of it than her sibling. So it went into a savings account that may end up being used for care home fees…..!

I think your dh is writing his will thinking of it as an expression of love - bit like an academy award winners speech - mentioning everyone. but when your kids are little it isn't. It is a grim thought process of figuring out what would happen if the worst thing in the world DOES happen.

This, absolutely. I think that this is how you need to talk to your husband about his thinking and the reality of that.

I think age and stage matters and your wishes may well change so you have to be prepared to adjust every 5 years or so. There is no point naming someone in their late 70s as guardian as it just isn’t practical unfortunately. Yours are very young and any guardian named now would need to be in a position to care for 20 years. That may even be too much for your own mum.

When mine were younger, my in laws or my sister would have been best placed. Now they are older it is probably actually my brother in law and his family. Things become options with older kids that might not have been possible with younger ones. Eg the secondary school my eldest goes to has boarding. The older she is, the more feasible boarding might be if we were both to die to preserve her continuity of friendships and education which changes the dynamic of guardianship again. Small children need different input to teens etc.

Re wills, I’d think your duty is to your kids, not siblings, unless you are absolutely loaded. If my sibling left me any money in their will, I’d assume they had gone bonkers and would look for a deed of variation to shift it to their kids instead.

My brother was named as guardian for our kids...I know they would have had the best life with him and his family and he would have kept contact with both sides of our family...everything would have gone to our kids
I think that usual