AIBU to want our wills to prioritise children over grandparents and siblings

[LauraTheExplorer89]

My DH and I are writing our wills. We have a 3.5 year old and 1 year old and have decided that the best parental guardian for our children would be my mum. She already lives a 2 min walk away, has the kids a few times a week and is an excellent grandmother. My husband's parents are 10 years older than my mum and live 3 hours away and although they love the kids and are great at reading to them and playing, they are not as engaging/hands on with the tougher routine stuff and we agree that they would not be the obvious choice compared to mum. Despite this, husband has said he feels guilty and wants them included in the will as wouldn't want them to feel left out. What do people usually do here? I've explained to him I feel like it's better to be as clear as possible as we don't want all of the grandparents debating who will be responsible for the children if the worst were to happen to us. Further, I definitely feel like what is best for the kids would be to have my mum care for them with her being much closer to them, logistically and in relationship.

In addition to this, he's said he thinks he wants to leave some money to each of his 3 older siblings in our will. For context, my husband is only one with children and it's likely this will remain the case. All of his siblings work and now have decent jobs, although, none own a house and his oldest sibling actually still lives at home. My husband and his siblings are all very likely to inherit a decent amount of money from his parents (probably £200k each) so at some point hopefully they'll all be able to get on the property ladder if that's what they want to do. My husband and I own our house with a mortgage and took out life insurance policies when we had children. We would not have as much money as his parents in comparison to pass on and I would like all of what we have to go to our two children. Is it normal to leave money in your will to siblings? I also have a younger sibling who with his wife (they don't have children yet) is in a similar financial situation to me and my husband and I told my husband that we would definitely expect to be included in each other's wills to which he agreed that we shouldn't leave money to my brother as he doesn't need it. I think I reacted quite strongly which upset my husband but I'm just not sure where he's coming from on this one.

I can't understand his thinking really. My children are my priority, a childless person leaving money for siblings and parents is completely reasonable, thinking about their feelings in that situation is completely reasonable. However, with children involved they are the priority 100%, it wouldn't even cross my mind to think about who would be hurt. I'd want my children to have the best guardian and I'd want them to have every penny there is. I'd like to think none of my family wouldn't expect any different.

I can understand he's worrying about your mum on her own having the kids (you keep saying mum, implying it's her alone who would be doing it) when he has 2 parents who would be involved.
But, unless there's something you missed, it's highly unlikely they'd die after you, so while you're right to think of hypotheticals, it's hardly likely, so why not just tell all grandparents you'd want them involved (you would, right?) but name your mum as primary if you prefer.
If his parents are upset about being missed out as guardians, leaving money is hardly going to help.
Unless a family is very rich, it's more usual to leave money to kids, and perhaps name the grandparents as trustees. You can get legal advice about trusts etc.

While your children are under 18 I think all money should be left to them in trust which can be accessed by their guardian for their expenses to support them.
once they are grown up a small amount to siblings would be ok.

YANBU

Your DH is being ridiculous. It should be in the best interests of your children, and in this case, that is leaving all of your money/assets to your young children and having your parents become their legal guardians, with your brother as a back-up.

This is nothing personal against your DH's family, it's what's right in this case for your children AND for the potential guardians. Naming someone who doesn't want children & who doesn't have a close relationship with the children in crazy, just so they don't feel left out is just ridiculous.

As for leaving his grown ass adult siblings money - oh do fuck off DH, do not deprive your own children for adult siblings.

Your DH seems to have a fear/guilt thing going on with his family. You are the only one thinking logically and in the best interests of your children here.

Only reason I would leave money to my DB would be if he really needed it.

On the grandparents - similar boat to you, my parents live 10 mins away and DC spends so much time there. They also “get” her and I know would make the right choices to support her without spoiling her. They are in our will
as guardians with a close friend as #2 if they are gone.

DH’s parents are absolutely lovely but, 10+ years older, have a cramped, crowded house (they are like posh hoarders) and frankly, I don’t want DC to grow up like any of his sibs. His mum is really difficult about food and all 3 are weird picky eaters. DH is lovely but cannot do anything for himself (yes this is also me), his DB has never had a proper job (50), SIL is lovely but very specific about everything… they are all quite eccentric and believe everyone should be doing things their way… anyway, none of them are a good model for how I would want DC to be an adult.

If your mum is raising your children she'd surely be entitled to expect to use your estate to fund that. You can't leave the money to anyone else if there are expenses to be met raising the children you leave behind. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a law to that effect!

First things first, you each have a will. Avoid mutual wills due to inflexibility to amend for unforeseen circumstances.
There are some quite simple solutions here.
First death - all to spouse. Avoids either spouse being out into financial hardship.
Second death - you leave all estate to your children. His will - he can leave £5k or whatever sum to siblings and then rest to your children
Guardians - appoint all 3 grandparents as guardians but mum as casting vote and with residence of children.

Alternative on first death would be for him to put his share of the house in liferent for you and when you die or go into care, it passes to siblings, children or a mix of both

Please do consult a solicitor who will be able to draft appropriate provisions.

Good luck.

The only person with kids i know who's said theyve left money in will to sibling, its a very disabled sibling & its provision towards their care basically.

I’m not sure it makes sense to appoint GPs as guardians due to age and potential ill health. My grown up children have appointed each other as guardians of their kids.

this. You don't have to have the same will. You can put what you like in your will, you don't even have to tell your husband what you are putting in your will.

You leave the money to your kids unless they die too. In which case you name your siblings. Your husband is nuts.

Inheritance should always go to your children!
Tell DH to Imagine how he:d feel if his parents left a chunk of the inheritance he was expecting to his uncles and aunts!
And then when they pass on where does ithe money go given that they have no kids?
No, YANBU. He is! Your own children should always be the ones to inherit your estate, except in exceptional circumstances.

Not nice but our solicitor asked…Have you thought about if you, DH and children die together? Maybe then you could leave to your siblings?

100% to the kids.

In your shoes, I'd be looking to make a specific will under clear legal advice and support to cut your husband out entirely because if you go first and he gets your assets, that goes into the pot for him to divvy out to other relatives and you jeed to safeguard your child.

It’s not the norm to include others in your will when you have dependant children.
We have a named guardian for our children, 2 executors of our estate (one from each side of the family) who will manage the estate for the best interests of the children until they are all legally adults then the house will be sold etc and split 3 ways when the youngest is 18.
In the event that something happens to all of us our assets/money will split in half and my half will go to the nieces and nephews on my side, my DH’s half will be split between his nephews.
If one of us dies, everything goes to the surviving spouse as we have mirror wills.
We followed the advice of a solicitor and I think what we have done is fairly typical.

IMO everything should get left to the children, and some to who ever will be looking after them. It needs to be someone who can realistically care for them and keep their lives as stable as possible if the worse was to happen. Moving 3 hours away with elderly hands off grandparents is not a good idea and naming them as well is just opening it up for arguments if it ever was to happen.

I am an only child and husband has no suitable siblings to leave as guardian to our children if we died. We decided to appoint friends because even though my mum is my best friend and the most suitable, I didnt want my children to go through the heartbreak of losing parents and then losing my mum 💔 it would be a double loss and their life turning upside down not once but twice.

We have very young kids too, age 2 and 4. Our will names a guardian, and states that our estate (life insurance, house sale) should be used to support the raising of our children. We request that a sum of money is held in trust for them until they are 25 (although it can be used before this with guardian consent e.g. for education) - but we recognise that raising kids well is very expensive and we trust the guardian to use the money as needed. None of our siblings have kids yet, so the one hypothetically taking on our children would be facing a massive lifestyle change, ongoing childcare costs, impact on their own career etc, as well as simply feeding and clothing 2 people for years!

With kids that young, with thousands upon thousands of pounds required to raise them.... Leaving money to anyone else is absolutely mindboggling.

We ended up not making a will as we couldn't agree who got the kids! Luckily they are now 19 and 17 so it's moot, but I understand it is a touchy subject.

Perhaps you both need to look at and run through will writing and financial platforms. And base next steps on making objective and educated decisions from that.

No, it's not the done thing to add parents and adult siblings / relatives. We had our nephew's and nieces, but will reassess on the update.

Since when does anyone leave anything to siblings or even grandparents. The only case that would be acceptable is it in trust bringing up your children otherwise no

I'd make sure my mum had enough to raise the children comfortably and leave the rest to DC. I'd make my mum their legal guardian and set out my wishes for regular contact with their other grandparents. I'd also name a secondary guardian in the event my mum didn't survive to their adulthood.

We felt neither parents would be able to cope with looking after young ones so named the god parents instead.

We were very specific as to who could have access and how we expected that to work.

Fortunately it never needed to be used, and in consideration of Mum’s eventual cognitive decline, would have been the right move.

Hopefully the worst will never happen but I don’t understand why your husband would want his parents to have all that responsibility which I doubt they would really want anyway, given the circumstances and your mum being much younger. I’m sure she’d make sure to include his parents as much as possible. As for the will, that should go to your children.

It is usual to leave everything to the children. If there is a need for them to be looked after by a guardian then arrangements are made for their inheritance to contribute to their care and them have autonomy with it upon reaching a certain age. The nominated guardian does not inherit directly. And it is unusual for other relatives to inherit. If they do it might be a sentimental item or a token amount.