AIBU to want our wills to prioritise children over grandparents and siblings

[LauraTheExplorer89]

My DH and I are writing our wills. We have a 3.5 year old and 1 year old and have decided that the best parental guardian for our children would be my mum. She already lives a 2 min walk away, has the kids a few times a week and is an excellent grandmother. My husband's parents are 10 years older than my mum and live 3 hours away and although they love the kids and are great at reading to them and playing, they are not as engaging/hands on with the tougher routine stuff and we agree that they would not be the obvious choice compared to mum. Despite this, husband has said he feels guilty and wants them included in the will as wouldn't want them to feel left out. What do people usually do here? I've explained to him I feel like it's better to be as clear as possible as we don't want all of the grandparents debating who will be responsible for the children if the worst were to happen to us. Further, I definitely feel like what is best for the kids would be to have my mum care for them with her being much closer to them, logistically and in relationship.

In addition to this, he's said he thinks he wants to leave some money to each of his 3 older siblings in our will. For context, my husband is only one with children and it's likely this will remain the case. All of his siblings work and now have decent jobs, although, none own a house and his oldest sibling actually still lives at home. My husband and his siblings are all very likely to inherit a decent amount of money from his parents (probably £200k each) so at some point hopefully they'll all be able to get on the property ladder if that's what they want to do. My husband and I own our house with a mortgage and took out life insurance policies when we had children. We would not have as much money as his parents in comparison to pass on and I would like all of what we have to go to our two children. Is it normal to leave money in your will to siblings? I also have a younger sibling who with his wife (they don't have children yet) is in a similar financial situation to me and my husband and I told my husband that we would definitely expect to be included in each other's wills to which he agreed that we shouldn't leave money to my brother as he doesn't need it. I think I reacted quite strongly which upset my husband but I'm just not sure where he's coming from on this one.

Name your Mum as first choice and if she is unable to your in-laws / your brother (if they accept)

I think unless you are very wealthy it is not normally the done thing to leave money to siblings.

Currently everything goes to DH, in the event we were both gone, DS would go to my best friend as he has a high needs disability and she’d be best equipped to manage his needs. We will likely then pick the most sensible of the nieces and nephews once they’re all grown up to be his guardians.

Leaving anything to fully capable grown siblings rather than your children would be pretty odd, unless you’re billionaires with loads of money to leave.

Don’t forget that if you and your DH went under a bus tomorrow it would cost a huge amount to raise your DCs to adulthood. Where would this money come from? Pps are advising that you put everything in trust for them, to be available at the age of 21 but that won’t help them between now and then. Your DM will presumably need money to provide for them.

I would actually assume that your mum will predecease you and therefore be putting a very trusted friend or sibling as guardian of the children on the basis that you hope it will not be necessary at all, but if it is it will be many years down the line and your mum may not still be in good health. I was specifically advised to make that assumption on making my will and I think it very good advice.

I think you have to remember you don't have a crystal ball - what is true today might not be true tomorrow.
One of the siblings could win lotto.
Doesn't mean though either of you can't give to siblings as recognition.

Normally everything goes to the kids.

Whilst dc is a minor everything goes to them / available to the guardians so they can raise them.

Once they're an adult I will change the will to leave some to other people I care about and charities as well as dc. DC is likely to inherit a lot and I don't think that amount of money is is good for one person to inherit.

I've nothing unique to add but just looking at the ages, in 10-15 years time, your children will be between (13/11 and 18/16), DM will be between 71-76 and PiL will be 83/86 to 88/91. PiL in reality will be far less likely to see your children into adulthood, DM has a better chance. I would go with your DM as the guardian with DB/SiL as a backup. DH's siblings don't have any children of their own so no real experience and possibly no real inclination to look after children.
The idea of leaving money to DH's older siblings quite frankly is ridiculous unless you are seriously wealthy. If the worst was to happen to you and DH, your children will need every penny. I can't really wrap my head around what DH is thinking, it doesn't make any sense.

This

I just named my sister as guardian to my kids

100% all your money goes to your kids! Not siblings that’s bonkers. Your kids lose their parents as children and you don’t give them the best?

just write your mum as caregiver in to the will.

I second this! He is being weird!

I think it’s a man thing? my DH has left a small amount of his life insurance to his siblings. One older that probably could do with the help and one half who has loads of money and will be well off regardless. However, as DD gets older and he changes work places I know he’s reduced that down and may have removed them because he gets more sensible as the years go by.

he can do what he wants with his money. Yours shouldn’t go near his siblings.

regarding caring, I can see why he thinks they will be left out but that’s why you put them in for Christmas every other year or ensure they have visitation rights. I always think the children should stay in their own house unless they choose to move.

We are leaving everything to each other and the kids. We both have siblings with and without kids. I assume those with children are leaving their money to them. I know my single brother is dividing his money between his nieces and nephews. Don't know about DH's childfree sibling. I think it's normal to pass money down a generation, not sideways or upwards. Your husband is being irresponsible not planning to provide for his children after death.

Not many people leave anytjing to siblings, and, in the great scheme of things, you are likely to outlive your parents. I’d leave what I had to my kids.

First of all, there’s no ‘our’ wills as in joint. Presumably you have two individual wills. Clearly the guardianship matter needs to be settled. It seems clear that your mother, being young enough to see the children into adulthood bar any accidents, should be named guardian, with your brother (not his wife; beware of divorce) being named 2nd guardian. This can be amended as time goes on.

Don’t forget to leave money to the guardians in order for them to pay your children’s expenses. Think about financial trusteeship. Will they have the right to sell or rent out your family home, with the funds held in trust for your children?

You can leave your money directly to your children. Whilst your DH could leave some of his to his siblings, this takes money directly from your children.

Don’t make mirror wills leaving everything to your spouse. Mirror wills mean nothing. Once one spouse has died, there’s nothing stopping the other from remarrying and leaving it all to their new spouse. I really do despair of the naivety here.

Generally the done thing is to leave money to the future generation. Very weird to leave to anyone else, especially if they dont need it. Id probably name 2 guardians too.

It would be irresponsible to leave money to his siblings when it may be needed to raise your children. He could leave his siblings each something that might hold sentimental value to them.

Re your wishes as to who would care for your children, this isn't a binding part of the will so just put that your wish is for them to be looked after by your mum if she feels able to care for them, trusting that she will ensure close family relationships are maintained with your brother and your DH's family

Have you asked your dh why he thinks working adults who run their own lives and are most likely going to inherit from his parents enough to buy them their own place are more deserving of your money than your children

I had a parent like this and let’s just say I knew from an early age I would get nothing

As soon as my father left she made no sercret of the fact that in her will everything would be divided equally between her siblings and their dc.

If he still doesn’t get it being an extremely weird thing to do as a parent then run for the hills. Or leave everything that is yours to your dc and name your mum as the person to look after them because if you don’t and you go first your children could end up with very little or nothing at all

My mother had this guilt complex because she had done well in her business and needed to “even things up” /“look after “ her siblings. Despite the fact they had husbands/wives children, their own homes etc

Does your dh have a guilt/saviour complex that he has been able to afford a house and they haven’t. So thinks it is his job to help them.

I know I would count this as a red flag. That deep down his connection to his parents and siblings is far stronger than to his own children if he is going to be giving away money your children will need for their future to adults who already have their future sorted.

Money is more usually left in trust to children. Requesting your mother step in if the worse happens makes sense but perhaps state the other grandparents should be allowed visitation rights. Whilst you may be writing this down, ultimately in England the courts will decide who they think the kids are best with.

Not making a lot of sense for grandparents to be guardians as inevitably the passing of time will make this much more difficult and less likely to work. It also seems that you are over complicating the issue by including siblings when you have children to consider.

All money into a trust for the benefit of raising your children. If you had millions and millions, I could see being generous to other family members, but that doesn’t appear to be the case!

And very clearly defined who will be the legal guardian. If you think your mum will be best for this, make it air tight. Also appoint successor guardians in the event something were to happen to your mum and she couldn’t take it on. In your case, sounds like one of the sibling in-laws is best, make sure they would be willing.

I’ve just had this conversation with my own daughter as her first baby is due any day. At almost 65, I don’t think I’d be up to raising a child to adulthood, so she’s also going to consider asking her sister to be guardian.

This!! What on earth??

Why would he want to leave money to his siblings, makes no sense to me it's just weird. Particularly when they will get £200K from his parents anyway, so then if he dies first, some of his £200K goes to them as well and less to his own kids?! Barmy.

The usual thing is to leave all money to DCs, generally to be held in trust by a trusted adult until they are 18.

It’s not normal to leave more than a token sum to siblings or your own parents (in the event that you pre decrease). A token sum, I’d say, would be best to be equal between any siblings you each have.

In terms caring for your children, the right thing is to appoint the person you think would be best placed to care for them. Often that is a sibling of the parents rather than GPs but if your Mum is young and fit enough then that’s fine!

The usual thing is to leave all money to DCs, generally to be held in trust by a trusted adult until they are 18.

It’s not normal to leave more than a token sum to siblings or your own parents (in the event that you pre decrease). A token sum, I’d say, would be best to be equal between any siblings you each have.

In terms caring for your children, the right thing is to appoint the person you think would be best placed to care for them. Often that is a sibling of the parents rather than GPs but if your Mum is young and fit enough then that’s fine!

I have no siblings and my husband has 1 who is listed in our will as guardian to our children. We did leave them a small amount as a thank you for taking in the children. Once the kids are adults we will rewrite them to remove this.