AIBU to want our wills to prioritise children over grandparents and siblings

[LauraTheExplorer89]

My DH and I are writing our wills. We have a 3.5 year old and 1 year old and have decided that the best parental guardian for our children would be my mum. She already lives a 2 min walk away, has the kids a few times a week and is an excellent grandmother. My husband's parents are 10 years older than my mum and live 3 hours away and although they love the kids and are great at reading to them and playing, they are not as engaging/hands on with the tougher routine stuff and we agree that they would not be the obvious choice compared to mum. Despite this, husband has said he feels guilty and wants them included in the will as wouldn't want them to feel left out. What do people usually do here? I've explained to him I feel like it's better to be as clear as possible as we don't want all of the grandparents debating who will be responsible for the children if the worst were to happen to us. Further, I definitely feel like what is best for the kids would be to have my mum care for them with her being much closer to them, logistically and in relationship.

In addition to this, he's said he thinks he wants to leave some money to each of his 3 older siblings in our will. For context, my husband is only one with children and it's likely this will remain the case. All of his siblings work and now have decent jobs, although, none own a house and his oldest sibling actually still lives at home. My husband and his siblings are all very likely to inherit a decent amount of money from his parents (probably £200k each) so at some point hopefully they'll all be able to get on the property ladder if that's what they want to do. My husband and I own our house with a mortgage and took out life insurance policies when we had children. We would not have as much money as his parents in comparison to pass on and I would like all of what we have to go to our two children. Is it normal to leave money in your will to siblings? I also have a younger sibling who with his wife (they don't have children yet) is in a similar financial situation to me and my husband and I told my husband that we would definitely expect to be included in each other's wills to which he agreed that we shouldn't leave money to my brother as he doesn't need it. I think I reacted quite strongly which upset my husband but I'm just not sure where he's coming from on this one.

Also, make sure you have mirror wills so you each inherit from the other first. And then the children.

I'd ask him a few hypotheticals. If you die should he get everything or should siblings and kids get something? And if he thinks he should get the lot ask him why the kids are different in that scenario.

Ask him will his parents be leaving anything to their siblings.

Your husband is being too emotional about this.

his parents are far to old to be guardians of your young children. Your mum is also too old in my opinion. It would hard and expensive to raise two children on her own at her age. She will be nearly eighty by the time the youngest finishes school. That isn’t fair on her and isn’t fair on the children.

ideally your children should be cared for by a couple of your own generation- it sounds like your brother and his wife would be much better candidates if they are willing.

money wise, you should only be leaving money for the children. Raising two children is very expensive - is some money going towards that cost? Have you talked this through with a solicitor?

Wills lawyer here. There is no right or wrong, every family is different but typically people with children leave everything to them, especially if they’re young. Some people leave to siblings if they are very well off and the siblings need extra help or are in residential care, but it’s pretty extreme. If you are within the normal means of finances and not incredibly wealthy then it would be a bit out of the ordinary to give to siblings when presumably your kids need it more.

Hardly anyone leaves anything to parents, especially if they are financially comfortable. Tax wise it makes no sense - if you both die and you give money to DHs parents, HMRC will have their hands on that in the form of inheritance tax much sooner than they will if you leave to your children. Some people leave properties to their parents, but these are wealthier people who own the properties their parents live in.

Honestly: your estate arrangements are not a popularity contest or a chance for DH to show what a great son and brother he is. He should concentrate on being a good son and brother while he is alive and provide properly for your children. My 2 cents.

This is really strange, does he have some weird need for their approval? I would never leave anything to my siblings whilst I have children, my siblings wouldn’t take it either, they would give it straight back to my kids. I would be aghast if any of my siblings with children gave me money in a will unless there was a bloody good reason like “eggbert is a junkie, I want you to keep this money to pay for his rehab”.

You're not unreasonable but you need to consider what might change with a grandparent before your kids are grown up - would they be physically well enough to take on your kids in 10 year's time if you died then? I would nominate preferred gp (with their consent) and a backup person (who is your age). Also legally those choices would be documented in a power of attorney usually - do you have that?

We have guardians named (friends not family - they agreed to this).

We do have siblings named but only in the "disaster clause" so if DH, me and the kids were all to die together. Otherwise it would go to DH or me, depending who carked it, then kids (with costs for guardians too depending on age).

I suppose, if there was a specific item that you would like to give a sibling, that would be all that was needed.

Leave everything to children, leave siblings out of it. Your mother is a better choice of guardian, put his parents as a substitute guardian. I am a Will writer if that helps

But his parents are 73 & 76. They are highly unsuitable to be guardians for very young children. It is unlikely they will be in good health throughout the tow children’s childhoods. They will be 90 and 93 (if they are lucky enough to reach those ages) when the youngest leaves school.

Guardians should be selected who are of an appropriate age to be alive, healthy and involved throughout their childhood. It is a huge task to raise bereaved children. Asking elderly people to do this is an awful idea.

its also deeply unfair for the children. They would be carers for very elderly grandparents and would likely suffer their loss while they are still dependent.

You say your mum, not parents. Is she on her own? If so, she would need support. Money to kids and her as guardian. Non to any siblings, not the norm and no one would expect it if you have living children.

Our DC are now 15 and 13, we wrote our will when youngest was born. We chose the DGPs who were in the best health and best able to look after them (at the time - now both sets of DGPs are similar).
Our assets are split between the two kids only. However we're planning to rewrite the wills when youngest turns 18, and have decided there's a couple of people we would like to write in to receive a fixed sum, but the vast majority will still go to our kids.
The only relatives I know of who left money to siblings are the childless ones, and I did inherit from my aunt and uncle who left the biggest chunk to their siblings but a small percentage to each niece and nephew (though that small percentage was more than my mortgage!).

You sound slightly sceptical, but ok. Clearly normal for your family.

It's likely because the majority of Wills are written by people in their late forties or fifties and their children are nearing adulthood or already adults.

Unfortunately, despite the fact that buying property or having children should be events that prompt people to make a Will, a lot of people are still weirdly superstitious about it/think it costs too much/don't think they have much to leave/don't get round to it, or are simply unaware of the importance of having a valid Will.

Normally you leave your estate to your children. You give guardianship of your children to your parents. I would see a solicitor to get advice.

Normally you leave your estate to your children. You give guardianship of your children to your parents. I would see a solicitor to get advice.

What's the point when odds are theyll be dead long before you are? Is it not just more about saying hey look how great I am, ive mentioned you in my will. Are you grateful?

we have left all to our kids and in the event they are still young all the funds will go into a trust and we have set up trustees (my brother, DH’s brother and guardians) who will all agree what gets used and how in the best interests of the kids - e.g a monthly amount to the guardians and any extra as required etc). We haven’t left any to our parents because if something happens to us the priority is the kids well being. We review and update the will every 10 or so years.

@LauraTheExplorer89

FWIW because my DS2 doesn't have children (yet). His partner's parents are a good 15 years younger than me and neither of the siblings would be suitable (DS2 is single & childfree, DP's sister has special needs). I can honestly say that I wouldn't be offended or hurt if they chose DP's parents as guardians for these 'as yet non-existent children'. To me it would make sense that, all other things being equal, they'd want the younger grandparents as guardians. I can see putting language in that you wish your mother to foster and encourage a close relationship with your DH's parents. In fact, your mum will probably be glad to have another set of hands to call on if needed. I know I'd be willing to provide whatever support and help to the chosen guardian(s) in this situation.

I think the idea of leaving money to a sibling when you have minor children is frankly ridiculous, unless you have money to burn. Your children deserve, and your mum will probably need, those resources for the children's own upbringing and education.

@LauraTheExplorer89 the chances of you & DH dying at the same time is minutia,. If one of you dies then the others Will can be rewritten.

I know you would like your mum as guardian but I think you might be better having someone younger.

With regards leaving to siblings, this would literally be money take off your children, so I’d think carefully on that one

Sorry, if I came across that way, I certainly didn't mean it. I was saying that things may have been somewhat different 30 or 40 years ago and I was surprised how different things are now. I do find it genuinely interesting.

"It's likely because the majority of Wills are written by people in their late forties or fifties and their children are nearing adulthood or already adults."

Maybe our friends and family were different from normal? I had my first will in my early 30s, a couple of years after the birth of our second DC.

I’ve never heard of someone with children leaving money to their siblings. I would only consider this if I were wildly rich. You need to look after the next generation first.

We're the same, we did our will mainly because of nominating which family should be guardians of the DC, so as to avoid any disagreements. That was 10 years ago. I thought that was the done thing, my parents had done the same nominating my aunt and uncle for myself and siblings.

In my job I end up reading a lot of Wills, it is unheard of to leave money to siblings when you have children, I don’t mean unusual or rare, I mean I’ve literally never seen anyone do that.

Leave it all to your children. I would not even consider leaving to siblings or parents.

I can give you an example. Although, in that case, the child was successful in a claim under the Inheritance Act 1975.

In the case of Rochford v Rochford in the Peterborough County Court in 2021, the father had mostly disinherited his only daughter. Out of an estate worth £220k he only left £25k to his daughter and everything else to his sister (the daughter's aunt).

The daughter had a severe degenerative disease which prevented her from working. She was awarded a further £85k and also costs against her aunt. The costs are likely as much as the award that was made (the daughter had made a Part 36 Offer, the aunt rejected it and the daughter beat the offer in court).

This article from the barrister that represented the daughter:

https://newsquarechambers.co.uk/a-successful-claim-by-an-adult-child-under-the-1975-act/

and another article on the case:

https://todayswillsandprobate.co.uk/a-stark-warning-on-costs-in-contentious-probate-matters/