AIBU to want our wills to prioritise children over grandparents and siblings

[LauraTheExplorer89]

My DH and I are writing our wills. We have a 3.5 year old and 1 year old and have decided that the best parental guardian for our children would be my mum. She already lives a 2 min walk away, has the kids a few times a week and is an excellent grandmother. My husband's parents are 10 years older than my mum and live 3 hours away and although they love the kids and are great at reading to them and playing, they are not as engaging/hands on with the tougher routine stuff and we agree that they would not be the obvious choice compared to mum. Despite this, husband has said he feels guilty and wants them included in the will as wouldn't want them to feel left out. What do people usually do here? I've explained to him I feel like it's better to be as clear as possible as we don't want all of the grandparents debating who will be responsible for the children if the worst were to happen to us. Further, I definitely feel like what is best for the kids would be to have my mum care for them with her being much closer to them, logistically and in relationship.

In addition to this, he's said he thinks he wants to leave some money to each of his 3 older siblings in our will. For context, my husband is only one with children and it's likely this will remain the case. All of his siblings work and now have decent jobs, although, none own a house and his oldest sibling actually still lives at home. My husband and his siblings are all very likely to inherit a decent amount of money from his parents (probably £200k each) so at some point hopefully they'll all be able to get on the property ladder if that's what they want to do. My husband and I own our house with a mortgage and took out life insurance policies when we had children. We would not have as much money as his parents in comparison to pass on and I would like all of what we have to go to our two children. Is it normal to leave money in your will to siblings? I also have a younger sibling who with his wife (they don't have children yet) is in a similar financial situation to me and my husband and I told my husband that we would definitely expect to be included in each other's wills to which he agreed that we shouldn't leave money to my brother as he doesn't need it. I think I reacted quite strongly which upset my husband but I'm just not sure where he's coming from on this one.

Why does your husband feel responsible for his older siblings - especially if they have good jobs
It is crazy he would take money from his children to give to them

When we wrote our will years ago (when our children were young), we also directed that if we passed, the children would be in the custody and care of my Mum, for reasons similar to yours. My husband then included a lovely letter written to his parents, explaining our decision. Our children are now middle aged adults, and all of our own parents have passed on. So, now, no need for that letter or provision in our Will. We never told DH’s parents about that directive. So no hurt feelings,really.

Leaving to siblings would have Inheritance tax implications, if money is left to anyone other than direct successors, ie children and/or grandchildren then the point at which IHT is payable is reduced. Obviously it will depend on the size of the estate.

You need to talk to both sets of parents before you set anything down.

If you are intent on leaving care to your DM, then I'd advocate leaving your money in trust for your children and have that trust adminstered by your MIL, also to have her as backup carer if DM is unwilling or unable to oblige at that point.

That said, are there no godparents around? These are the people we chose to have the best interest of the children throughout their life, and at that point they understood they might have to step up if tragedy occurred. Primary point being that they are age-appropriate for your children and are statistically more likely to still be around in 10 years time.

Lastly, you need to determine how the money should be assigned to your children, to ensure fairness, and aid whomever is administering the trust for them. Should they reserve money for tuition fees, or house deposit, or both - or should the money be permanently pooled (and so one can lose out to the others needs). Should you be holding back money for their discretionary spending at age 18/21, in the way you might have gifted them on those birthdays, etc?

Do you expect the children to stay locally, in your now paid-for house, or for them to move in with the carers? If so, you need to consider whether that changes your views on who cares for them - geography may no longer be an important factor.

Either way - much of this should not go into your will but into trust and other documents that indicate your wishes (ultimately, they will not be binding instructions).

Forget the siblings; no self-respecting brother/sister would expect to be put ahead of 2x orphaned children, but you make no mention of them in your children's future life - so perhaps have a think about what you expect/desire from them if tragedy strikes. Are you asking any of them to execute the will?

Absolutely insane to leave money to anyone except your children while they are dependent on you. If the worst were to happen in the next several years, your children would need every penny to help with their futures after a dreadful trauma.

I cannot understand why your children wouldn’t be your DH’s absolute priority in this respect.

If you die while the children are still under 18, you absolutely must leave everything on trust for them - your mum would need the money to be able to raise them well!
And do not underestimate the trauma of them being orphaned - they would likely need therapy etc, so its not just day to day costs.
Tbh I would focus on that for now, and then I guess that leaves it up for debate when they're older and youre hopefully still here! Hopefully by then DH has come to his senses and realises his siblings don't need your money (they may have inherited from his parents by then anyway?)

He has misunderstood what the will is for. If he wants to express his feelings for family in the event of his death, he can write them a letter. I’d sit him down and actually get him to think through what would happen if you both died- how would the children be provided for financially, could they stay in their home, where would the income come from to meet their daily needs etc. unless you are multi millionaires it is unlikely that there is any space for including siblings.

The money/assets have to go to your dcs.
I mean, theyd already have a rougher start than most people if they have lost both parents.
I feel it’s the least you could do to be sure theyre well cared for.

This. Leave everything to your kids. Leave the guardian you want in charge and a letter of wishes. Eg I wrote I would ideally like my children to spend any inheritance on a house for themselves or their children. However if they want to travel around the world they are free to do so. Letter of wishes isn’t legally binding.

I would suggest that you name your mum as guardian bug babe your mum and 1 of DHs parents as a trustee of the estate if you both pass before the children are adults.

our solicitor recommended similar as it helps keep things honest (not their words but the implication) but only 1 paternal grandparent or your mum can be out voted and there the balance of honesty tips away from the children’s best interest (potentially, I’m not saying his parents are thieves).

But no, sibling beneficiaries are not the normal. Also you how would it work, if he dies before you, you have to give them money. If he makes an amount then how much? That could be to your and children’s detriment, a % then equally it could be problematic too.
you shouldn’t expected to leave his siblings something and not your brother.

id speak to a solicitor and has this all put, they work through all of the eventualities with you.

we’ve stipulated that if we both die and the children die with us (god forbids) then our estate goes to our siblings but nothing if the children survive us.

id not leave a grandparent as guardian. If something did happen to you both in say 10 years time - your mum would be 71 and with a 10 year old full time. With the best will in the world your mum is going to struggle and of course she would do it but far better a sibling and you have a few

All very strange.

Bluntly, naming your mum to be your children’s carer if you both die is:
a) an emergency/insurance measure that nobody actually wants to happen
b) a massive burden, not a gift/legacy. I mean your DH parents would probably be happy not to be named as the carers.

Furthermore, leaving siblings - who have jobs - money is bizarre.

the usual is to leave your entire estate to your spouse, or if your spouse is dead, equally between your dc.

your dh is seriously overthinking this and isn’t thinking clearly at all.

Sounds like you should make sure your half is left directly to your children at the very least. As if you were to die before him, goodness knows what he'd decide to do...

My DC go to my SIL and BIL and theirs come to us, should something catastrophic happen.

I made my will after my first DC was a baby. I’m not being in any way rude or doom-mongering but by the time that baby reached 18, of the three grandparents available at birth, one grandparent was dead and the other two are in NO way capable of looking after a minor. Even an older teen, they can barely look after themselves.

And I had that baby in my early twenties so it’s not like I was hanging around

It's not particularly usual to specify guardians for your children in your Will. I have read thousands in the course of my work and genuinely have never seen a clause included. Ideally you would have an open conversation with your family members now regarding the matter. Also, bear in mind that the chances of your children being orphaned whilst young are, fortunately, very slim.

It would be far wiser to leave a letter of wishes with your Wills, and much easier to amend should circumstances change. You don't mention it, but if you aren't using a solicitor to draft your Wills, please do (not a 'Will Writer' they aren't regulated and don't have to have any legal background).

We considered the question of guardians for our dd when she was born. My partner has four older sisters who were then in their fifties, and I also have a sibling. Our surviving parents are all too elderly. If the worst was to happen I would expect all family members to come together, and to take into account our dd's preferences, (helpfully we have so far managed to both survive for the first eleven years of her life), in order to decide where and with who she should live. It's not a case of having favourites but far more to do with who would be best placed from a practical and emotional perspective to provide what a traumatised child would need.

Re: leaving money to siblings, does he mean a fixed amount of say a few £'000 as a token, or a percentage share of his estate? Are you making mirror Wills? If his siblings are older, they may well pre-decease him anyway. A share of the residue would be rather odd as you have children, but a pecuniary gift isn't unreasonable. My Will leaves my nephew a £5k gift because I love him dearly, I am also leaving smaller monetary gifts to a handful of my dearest friends, and a couple of charities that are meaningful to me. The rest goes to my partner and, if he pre-deceases, then our daughter. We have similar Wills, but we have included slightly different pecuniary gifts (ie he is leaving gifts to a couple of friends and charities he supports), but the basics are the same and on the death of the survivor everything goes to dd.

You should prioritize your kids given their extremely young age. If you have a massive estate you could consider siblings.

You can change your will later when the kids are grown if you want to make a gift to siblings. I doubt you want your kids to be orphaned and broke! I don't understand your husband's logic.

You need to discuss potential guardianship with the person,/ people you are nominating in your wills There is no reason why you can't have a clause that says in the event if your mum not be able to a guardian at the time, your in laws would then be appointed guardians as back up provision.

I don't think you should be leaving money to any siblings while you have dependents. It's fine to leave some specific item such as ' my stamp collection' or , my watercolour by xx' or 'my Rolex watch' to a named sibling beneficiary if your husband want to leave sonrhning , but his dependents ought to come first as to available cash or real estate.

I'm confused as to why you are stating your Mum as guardian when she is 61. Have you discussed this with her, please say you have? What if something happened to you in 14 years time? I do think it's unwise for that responsibility to fall upon her, guardianship should with them being willing, be to someone able bodied, not someone of almost retirement age as it currently stand let alone in 14 years time. Absolutely all your estate goes to your children, not siblings, that sounds crazy to me especially as the siblings may all inherit from elsewhere.

Leaving to your children IS the done thing. I’ve never heard of leaving to grandparents or siblings!!!

Honestly unless your parents/his parents had kids really young and you did too, I would name people of your generation to be guardians. If the unthinkable happens when your child was young, you wouldn't want your kid to then have to be coping with frail/elderly adoptive parents as a teen.

I mean we’re obviously talking about worse case but I’d be looking at siblings for guardians rather than parents
I wouldn’t make the decision on who lives where
your expecting whoever to abandon there life and take over the kids the reality the kids would have to fit in with them not the other way round

nothing to siblings all to kids

Leave only to your kids. Leave kids to the grandparent they know and who gives of herself more for them. She's hardly going to stop them seeing her so they can do less than her, exactly as they were beforehand.

I would imagine that leaving money to your siblings is common enough if you don't have children, but for anyone who has children, I would expect everything to go to the kids. Maybe leave them an item of emotional significance, but not money. The same goes for parents.

YANBU.

Literally never ever heard of a person with their own kids leaving money to their siblings or parents. It goes to your spouse/partner if one of you dies, and if you both die, it goes to your kids.

"It's not particularly usual to specify guardians for your children in your Will. I have read thousands in the course of my work and genuinely have never seen a clause included."

That really is a very interesting statement indeed.

I have a copy of my parents will from the early 1970s and that definitely specified my uncle (my mum's brother) and his wife to be the guardians of myself and my sibling while we were under 18.

Likewise, my (and DH's) will back in the late 1990s also specified a sibling to be the guardian of our DC.

I don't know, maybe it is very uncommon these days? But, certainly 30+ years ago, it was reasonably common.