AIBU to ask my in-laws not to take the children to church?

[Moocrewmummy]

me and my husband are going away for 2 nights soon & my in laws are watching our daughters. My in laws are very religious which I hold no qualms about but their church is very extreme and have in recent years had accusations of religious coercion amongst other unfavourable accusations in the uk press. I was raised catholic and my husband Protestant but neither of us practice and want to raise our children to be open to faith but we are not going to raise them as religious as such. The intend to take the girls to their church on the Sunday to which I am very apposed to and my husband seconds this as well. Are we being unreasonable to ask them not to take them to church? My mother in law frequently watches a live stream at home when she’s ill so they can still watch but doesn’t involve my children going in to the church. Any guidance on this would be appreciated!

I go to church every Sunday and lead kids church for that age group once a month. At that age it’s likely to be a bible story, a song and craft/colouring in. It’s not going to be a full on indoctrination session. They normally stay in for the worship and then come out during the talk so it’s not a long time.

Talk to your in laws and find out what happens at their church and then make a decision but be prepared for them to say they are still going to church and that you’ll need to make alternative arrangements for the weekend.

THis alone would mean they would never be alone with my children.

I'd rethink the whole thing.

I don't think you can ask them to do you this favour and then ask them not to attend church if they wish to.

You can't expect them not to attend their church because they're minding your children.

I said if the DGPs take the DC to church on Sunday, the children will most probably receive a (I should have said informal), blessing.

Because @Moocrewmummy does not want her DC to go to church anyway, she would obviously not want to DC to receive any type of blessing.

My DSis is very religious and goes to church every Sunday. At the end of the service blessings and communion take place and all DC go up for an informal blessing. I have seen it done in many church services.

This

But some do, and wouldn’t think it a massive ask to just avoid taking their grandkids somewhere their parents don’t support or what their kids involved with. Not every grandparent sees watching their own grandchildren as a massive favour or inconvenience but this thread would have you believe just that.
Its worth asking. The OP isn’t being unreasonable. If she is told ‘no’, then she can proceed with new plans OR suck it up.

If they go to a normal church and yes I woukd allow. Anything extreme as you say best to have someone else look after them. While they are young and very impresionable. Especially JWs and born agains give me serious concerns

First post nails it as they say.

Acutally I wrote that before I saw that they already look after them one day a week. so if they want to influence your DC about religion they have a regular opportunity.

Not sure what you mean by extreme... as you say your DH was brought up as a protestant. Is it an ordinary CofE church? are you in the UK?

Could you ask that your MIL watches the mass at home as she does when she's poorly, instead of taking the children to the church.

I suppose in one way, it will be a novel experience for them. And you can talk to them about it afterwards. I think I'd be more worried about the chance of deliberate weekly indoctrination, so that is a discussion I would have (politely) with the in laws, how much do they discuss these things with the children?

although as a pp said... Your DH survived it and is not madly religious these days.

I am that DGM. Not a favour, not an inconvenience.

Having been brought up in the C of E myself, I understand about blessings. What I don't understand is why it would be a big deal for a non-believer parent. Surely they would dismiss it as nothing more than their child having an adult's hand placed on their head in a public place, just as a stranger might hold a small child's hand or stroke their cheek if they were talking to them in the street.

I understand this but @Moocrewmummy does not want her DC to attend church with her ILs. She might object to this informal blessing due to the fact that she has issues with her DC attending the church service at all.

It definitely could be a problem for some non-believer parents.

If you’re going to support your sister, presumably the rest of your family will be there too so why don’t your children stay home with dad?

@Moocrewmummy Surely your children are in just as much "danger" of indoctrination when your IL's have them one day a week. If they're that extreme, then I'm sure their religious views aren't limited only to Sundays. Why doesn't that trouble you as well?

Yep, me too

I would find someone else to look after the kids… all it’s going to do is start an argument about religion and it will shoved down your throats even more once you tell them your concerns.

If someone is looking after your kids and they have something else on you can't expect them to cancel. Ie you ask can I look after Fred Friday after school till 7pm yes of course but my child has football from 6-7 so Fred will need to come with us we don't get back till 7.15 so I'll be a bit later than 7. Then you choose either Fred comes to the football till 7.15 or you find someone else. Or perhaps yes I can look after them but grandpa has an opticians appointment and he can't drive after because of the drops so I'll need to take Fred along too I'll have a colouring book and snacks so hopefully he won't be too bored if there's a wait. Conditions or prior engagements when looking after kids are fairly normal in this case the condition is yes we can look after your kids for the whole weekend so you can go to London but they'll need to come with us to church on Sunday morning. They aren't going to cancel church anymore than someone is going to cancel another child's sport or opticians appointment to look after your child. Would Fred have more fun not being part of a sports run and waiting around for someone else's sport or sitting in opticians waiting room or at church of course but Fred needs looking after so the primary thing is that Fred is watched and fed not that he has exactly appropriate entertainment for a child his age. This is just accepted when you need someone to do you a favour and look after your child

I was thinking logically when I should have realised it's an emotional thing. Got it now. Thank-you.

FWIW I'm an atheist, however, i was not about to let this stop my DC from attending church with their GPs, in fact they loved it when they were little.
They are now both atheists, so there was no lasting effect from their church attendance when they were 4. Inlaws knew where I stood on the subject of religion and not to start a discussion with me.
Go and enjoy a night without DC.

Hiya, I haven’t read all the posts on this thread, but just wanted to say that I was a member of the Vineyard church in NI for 3 years (I no longer attend, and it wasn’t Causeway Coast I went to)

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request for you to ask your in-laws to skip service for a week and watch online, but just to say, in the children’s service, they are in a separate room with kids leaders for the full duration, they don’t attend the actual service, and for your kids ages, it’s all just mostly play and a couple of songs.

Happy to answer any other concerns you might have, but as I say I am no longer with the church, I left in 2023

You need to stand up and say you do not want the children to go to church.
This is not normal church and you do not know what type of shouty sermonising there might be. It could be quite frightening for for them. You need to speak up.
If they don’t like it then make your decision.

My GPs used to take me to church. I still turned out an atheist. A one off visit to church isn’t going to indoctrinate your kids

I have said you were unreasonable to think of asking them but I can see your point. I bet they are Christadelphians.

If you don’t want them going to church and feel that strongly about it then stay home and keep the kids at home. You can’t have someone do you a favour but then dictate what they do on those days, especially if you know they always go to church on one of those days.
You say you want to raise them being open to faith but not religious? What does that even mean? If you want them to be open to faith what is wrong with one visit to a church?

I would request that they don’t attend that day and if they say that they won’t miss it then your Dh stays behind. You don’t have any other option.