AIBU to ask my in-laws not to take the children to church?

[Moocrewmummy]

me and my husband are going away for 2 nights soon & my in laws are watching our daughters. My in laws are very religious which I hold no qualms about but their church is very extreme and have in recent years had accusations of religious coercion amongst other unfavourable accusations in the uk press. I was raised catholic and my husband Protestant but neither of us practice and want to raise our children to be open to faith but we are not going to raise them as religious as such. The intend to take the girls to their church on the Sunday to which I am very apposed to and my husband seconds this as well. Are we being unreasonable to ask them not to take them to church? My mother in law frequently watches a live stream at home when she’s ill so they can still watch but doesn’t involve my children going in to the church. Any guidance on this would be appreciated!

I took my children all over London to watch their Dad run the London Marathon a few times around those ages, it was great fun. I also took them and the dog on a 1/2 marathon,

I wouldn't sweat it. My FIL's zealotry has probably been a contributor to my DDs' atheism... and they've mostly only had to put up with his extended graces at meals for approx one week a year.

Yeah
I'm a Christian myself attending a non-denominational church. Rather than being a chore, attending church is a highlight of the week for people who aren't just nominal Christians and the in-laws will be really looking forward to getting to take their grandkids there and introduce them to their friends .
I get that you're thinking you need to make a stand on this because YOU don't agree with the church they attend... but this is why YOU don't and won't be attending.. you really don't need to make a stand on it via your young kids who are too young to understand any of your concerns, and if you are worried about your chikdren catching religion at that age I think you're being a tad overprotective although I can understand the caution and why you're on here checking out what your thoughts are with others.

It's preschool. If you're worried about leaving them, take them.

I just wouldn’t ask them to babysit on Sundays. I wouldn’t want my child going either. But likewise, you can’t ask someone not to do something so important to them when they’re simultaneously doing you a massive favour

Your choices are you either you leave them and they go to mass. Nothing will happen to them. Your in laws already mind them one day a week.

Or
You take them. Waving at your sister who is running a half marathon will not be taxing for them regardless of what charity she is running for.

Or
Your DH stays and minds them.

One hour out of your 4 year olds life will do no harm. They are doing you the favour so suck it up & be grateful or don't attend the event.

I'm assuming that the grandchildren you're referring to are the children of your DH's siblings. With your concerns about organised religion you surely wouldn't have had your children baptised.

If I'm wrong and you have had your children baptised, I think your objections to them attending one Sunday morning service is unreasonable. If you've been prepared to be flexible about your own beliefs to please members of family on your side (unless you did it because of the nice backdrop and an excuse for a party) it's difficult to understand why you'd be unwilling to allow attendance at just one church service in another denomination. If you are genuinely concerned about the ethos and values of this particular church, why are you happy to use your in-laws for childcare during the week? Religious faith isn't just for Sundays and holy days, when you're in a particular building. Members of a church are meant to live by those values in their everyday lives. If your in-laws are as devout as you suggest, they will be passing more onto your children in daily interactions than in a single service.

It absolutely is a normal Pentecostal church.

The service starts of with some worship songs, then someone will come on and give an update of what’s coming up in the church, any news etc, then there will be a talk on a piece of scripture, typically in story format with anecdotes from real life situations, then a couple more worship songs, and finish.

I have been to quite a number of Vineyard services and never once heard shouting or ‘fire and brimstone’ preaching.

Or just take the children away with you for 2 nights.

Did you read the BBC article???

That’s loads if your youngest is only 2. Like others, I’ve never had any familial childcare so 4 times in 2 years plus a day once a week seems a lot.

You’ve no problem with your kids spending time with their grandparents without you so they will presumably be exposed to their beliefs anyway, esp as they get older and understand more.

Did you read the BBC article?

Probably just a misunderstanding/slip of the finger, but I am pretty sure Mass won't be involved!

@EnfysPreseli the children that I talk about being baptised are my children. Although I am not practicing it doesn’t mean I’m not a believer in god. I didn’t want my children to live in limbo. We didn’t baptise them to get a big fancy do out of it, an instagram post and the presents. We did us and god parents. That’s it. Are you not allowed to believe in god unless you visit a church twice a week? Do you have to be a hypocrite because you want to baptise your children for their protection if something terrible were to happen? Can you not quietly believe but not practice?

I can’t imagine your children being exposed to a religious sermon, as a one off, is going to poison their minds. My worry would be that the two year old particularly will be bored and will be a distraction anyway. I would think it could be pretty stressful for your in-laws managing two very young children in a type of situation that they’re going to be bored with.

Yes I am aware of what happened. The individual involved and the leadership group in that time are all no longer part of the church

True, but if the ILs are zealous members of an extreme practice I would be as concerned about what gets said for the whole weekend.

If I were a child, how very interesting for me it would be if a person looking after me for a short time took me to a mosque, a synagogue - how else will I have half a chance to be culturally enriched? It does not mean I shall be attending these establishments on my own later on, but what excitement! What novelty!

My best friend growing up was catholic. We’d have regular sleepovers and she’d come to synagogue with me if it was a Saturday or I’d go to church with her if it was a Sunday.

I genuinely think if these people have views the OP finds troubling the church attendance isn’t really the problem - it’s whatever else is being said the 99% of the weekend they aren’t in church.

I was pushed into Sunday school 4 weeks in a row when I was 5, and was subjected to Religious instruction in school 40 minutes a week for many years..I learned enough to be handy in pub quizzes but I’m not religious. I think they will survive a trip to church. I’ve since learned about various religions but don’t feel inclined to adopt any. You can’t ‘protect’ them from religion forever. It’s going to raise its ugly head at some stage. I know my kids had more homework related to religions than anything else. Annoyed me at the time…not that I object to them knowing different cultural beliefs but because I felt Primary school was more about learning life’s essentials…the three Rs and history and Geography sort of practicals.

It always surprises me how terrified people are of "different" churches. some people are so narrow minded, yet would probably think they are so "inclusive and accepting of others"

What the heck do you think will happen in the hour they are in the church? Come out singing 'Jesus want me for a sunbeam' or throwing themselves in the font?

these people have views the OP finds troubling - absolutely. Don't leave the children with them, refuse inheritance and put away your begging bowl when they need childcare. Be consistent to the end!

My point was about the double standards. Of course you can believe in God without attending church.

Although you seem to think you are open minded as a non-churchgoer, you are actually being very suspicious and intolerant of religious denominations you're not familiar with. Many believers would find the suggestion that a merciful God would not allow unbaptised children into heaven unless they've been baptised very strange. (That's not to say that for some it can be a very real fear).

It's more than a little irrational to feel OK about your PIL caring for your children on other days as practicing members of a particular church when they could also be passing on their beliefs and values, but to object to attendance at a single service. I hope the descriptions of Vineyard services by those who know more about them will have reassured you.

I’m a practising Catholic and I’d say it’s your god-given right to decide on matters of belief for your children. It’s literally a human right as well. So I’d say you absolutely can ask for your children not to be taken to church.