AIBU to ask my in-laws not to take the children to church?

[Moocrewmummy]

me and my husband are going away for 2 nights soon & my in laws are watching our daughters. My in laws are very religious which I hold no qualms about but their church is very extreme and have in recent years had accusations of religious coercion amongst other unfavourable accusations in the uk press. I was raised catholic and my husband Protestant but neither of us practice and want to raise our children to be open to faith but we are not going to raise them as religious as such. The intend to take the girls to their church on the Sunday to which I am very apposed to and my husband seconds this as well. Are we being unreasonable to ask them not to take them to church? My mother in law frequently watches a live stream at home when she’s ill so they can still watch but doesn’t involve my children going in to the church. Any guidance on this would be appreciated!

a lot of comments of us taking free childcare and expecting my inlaws to bend over backwards for us. This is not the case.

But it really is.
You want them to look after your dc, but are being incredibly critical of something that is part of their life. You are saying it is somehow inappropriate for your dc. That is actually quite offensive.

Why do you think it is okay to expect anyone to do you the massive favour of looking after 2 small dc for you, whilst saying they are not fit people to be able to make a judgement call over what they do and where they go with them ?

Absolutely, but if the ILs would normally be at church then it’s unreasonable to ask them to not go to something that’s clearly important to them. The options are:

The kids go to church - it’s an hour. People will be kind to them and they’re unlikely to want to become part of a religious sect.

Someone else looks after them.

You adjust your plans so they look after them before or after church.

The thing is if this is their church then what else are they saying and doing when you aren’t there? Either you trust them or you don’t. And I personally wouldn’t.

@PurpleThistle7 my 4 year old attends preschool in ni.

You go as it's your sister, husband stays.

Sounds like they are doing you a favour so no, it’s not reasonable to tell them they can’t take them to church

Presumably they raised your husband to be a relatively normal member of society so why would one attendance make a difference?

You have a choice. Accept the offer of help and accept that it comes with a trip to church - for a 2 and 4 year old who will never remember it.

Or change your plans, don’t watch the race and decline the offer of babysitting.

But it is unreasonable to accept the offer and then impose your conditions.

it's granny's decision if she wants to disrupt her routine or not,

it's not up to someone demanding a favour from granny in the first place!
You don't have to agree with granny's value and what is important to her, but you can't command she put her beliefs on hold

I’d drop anything if requested to look after the younger kids in the family (not a grandma yet, but my mum is the same), I see it as a privilege as I love spending time with them!

So the impossible options are:
Take the children with you
Have someone else look after them
Have your children go to church with their GP

That leaves:
DH stays at home with DDs
You ask GPs not to take them to church (and they may say 'If they stay, they come to church with us')

A two-year old doesn't go to school and a four-year old is in reception so only one day of school would be missed if you took them with you.

Of course it’s reasonable to keep the children away if it’s a dealbreaker as long as you don’t expect them to take an interest and help out in the future.

Well sure but nothing will happen if they miss a day of preschool. Seems the obvious solution.

I really don't get why you can't take them with you to be fair?

You obviously want it to be a weekend break for just you and your DH so you can state your preference that you would prefer then not to take the children to church, but if you are dead set against it you need to make alternative arrangements, rather than expect them to accommodate your wishes.

Personally I think you are being daft about the whole thing, what do you really think a 4 year old will understand going to church one time, they may not even have plans to take them and you are turning this into a massive issue in your head.

What are you afraid will happen? I go to church but if I was looking after my Grandchildren I wouldn’t go. Their parents are not believers, and I respect that. However, I don’t actually think that children that young would take in much beyond how boring it was.

We go to church and when the dgc were younger we usually had them to stay over for a night or two in the school holidays. Sometimes on a weekend sometimes not. We always had some sort of plan. If it was the weekend we might go to a play farm/cinema/seaside/ national trust etc depending on the season and the weather. On Sundays they would come to church with us, do the children activities then we would go out somewhere in the afternoon. They would finish with tea at ours, bath, jammies/story then taken home. They loved it. Apart from the Sunday morning our time/choices/ etc were always child motivated. Our DD wouldn't have dreamt of expecting us to give up the one activity that was 'us' focused. She always appreciated knowing the kind da were having a fun time while she and husband had a break together.

If no other childcare, then tbh, not much choice. You can ask them not to take them to church but that's you having to trust they won't. Only saving grace is their age, 2 and 4 should be ok. I know you said the 4 year old picks up on everything, I doubt there will be any lasting damage at that age!

Well that is great but presumably their church is just as important to them. Not every sees having to look after children of 2 and 4 as a privilege!

Were they not religious when your DH was growing up?

Of course it is not wrong to go away without your DC, it is a privilege if you can get it. Nothing wrong there.

There is nothing wrong with you not wanting your ILs to take your DC to church either.

Just be open with the ILs. By asking you are not being mean. One week off is not a problem. Do they go on holiday or visit friends and family some Sunday’s?

You have never been to this church. It could be overwhelming for the DC.

I am going to put me neck on the block here, if they go to church on Sunday, they will most
probably be blessed and that should only happen with your knowledge and consent.

At that age I don't think it will impact on them.

They may even have a kids section where they will do colouring in? Not many churches now have young children in the main praying room?

But if you are against it and don't trust them them one stays one goes to the event.

The OP has said they have changed to a more
extreme church.

The problem is you are happy to leave your kids with your in-laws. The few hours at church is nothing compared to the whole weekend in their custody. And you say you do this (not the weekend, but leaving your kids with the in-laws) every week.

Let your DH stay with the kids while you support your sister. Stop leaving them with your in-laws at all.

YANBU I'd be hesitant to allow them to attend any church in your circumstances, let alone one that has been in the press for allegations of disrepute.

Why ever would a blessing need parental consent if the parent is a non-believer?

Typo

I don’t see anything wrong here. They will grow up knowing your parents go to this church. You are asking them to do you a favour but want to dictate what they do. The grandparents will probably more interested in showing off their grandchildren to their friends