AIBU to ask my in-laws not to take the children to church?

[Moocrewmummy]

me and my husband are going away for 2 nights soon & my in laws are watching our daughters. My in laws are very religious which I hold no qualms about but their church is very extreme and have in recent years had accusations of religious coercion amongst other unfavourable accusations in the uk press. I was raised catholic and my husband Protestant but neither of us practice and want to raise our children to be open to faith but we are not going to raise them as religious as such. The intend to take the girls to their church on the Sunday to which I am very apposed to and my husband seconds this as well. Are we being unreasonable to ask them not to take them to church? My mother in law frequently watches a live stream at home when she’s ill so they can still watch but doesn’t involve my children going in to the church. Any guidance on this would be appreciated!

Vineyard isn’t a cult

I agree. I bet OP would be happy to pretend to be very Christian to get into a decent school though.

I am not religious at all, despite being taken to church very regularly by my mother when I was a child.

I used to have sleep overs at my cousins place and would then attend mass with them, that also didn't turn me Catholic, despite me thinking their mass seemed a lot more interesting than what went on at my own church. The rituals, the standing and kneeling and standing a kneeling again, then a snack and drink break for the adults (communion), all totally fascinating.

I'm still not religious, but do think it's a good idea for background knowledge, understanding of others around me, that I have some first hand experiences with churches and religion.

I think if someone is looking after your children, them going about their own routine seems reasonable. Otherwise you stay home or find someone else to look after the kids.

That's reminded me, another bonus of a sleep over with Catholics, fish and chips on Friday for dinner. You can see it's really shaped me.

Definitely take the kids with you - seeing their aunty raising money for their great granddad seems really important.

You and DH can presumably do shifts going to cafés/toilets as needed. It's only a couple of hours isn't it?

Your 4yo especially will remember it.

@Moocrewmummy you ask would it be unreasonable to ask them not to take the DC to church on Sunday. The answer is no it would not be unreasonable to ask them not to take the DC to church on Sunday.

Ask them and take it from there.

If they insist or get unreasonably upset then you tell them you do not want the DC to go. If they are reasonable they will understand and not go for one Sunday to spend the day with their DGC.

If not you may have to make other plans. Simple.

I understand you not wanting them to go that church, but given that your inlaws are doing you a favor by watching the kids, I don't think you can ask them to therefore not go to church or even to watch it on television. I'd either find another sitter or just live with it.

Either bring the kids and take turns entertaining them at the race, or one of you stay home to look after them, or pay for a baby sitter/child care.
I would not trust that they won't take them to the church, and you don't need them to spend the next 15 years saying, 'but it was fine last time?'

Op, I totally understand why you don’t want your children to go to church, but you cannot dictate to your in-laws when they are doing you a favour.

So, you either let it go; you take your dc with you to Shoreditch; or you stay home.

Id feel the same way. Take them with you.

The irony often is that they are happy to disrupt the children's routines (bedtimes, sugar etc) but can't possibly disrupt granny's routine.

I wouldn't typically think it's an issue except for issues with this specific church, which I think is damn good reason to keep your children away from it.

You're going to have to think twice about going away.

What’s with all the posters casting the OP as a ‘dictator’ when the question she asked was WSBU to ASK her PILs a simple request :/

You can't ask them not to go. My in laws are catholics, I would say extreme catholics! They take dd to mass and says prayers when she stays. Im not too pleased about it but if they are looking after my child I can't dictate what they do.
If they are really into this religion I doubt they will keep it to just going to church, they will probably be trying to influence your children in everyday life, so if you arent happy with that I would not leave them alone with them.
The race sounds like something you can all get involved in, taking turns with the kids etc. Might be nice to all go, or one stays at home with the kids?

Firstly, I am not and never have been a member of Vineyard Church, but am aware of them. As others have said, I believe that there were historic wrongs and the people involved, rightly, left, a good while ago.
I obviously can’t speak for all individuals or individual churches, but Vineyard Church does not ‘preach hate’ for gay people or anyone else. It holds a position, based on their biblical understanding, that marriage is between one man and one woman, but actively welcomes everyone, regardless of whatever or whoever they are. The Vineyard Chinches that I know of are lovely, welcoming and embracing places.
You are accusing others of bigotry whilst actually being quite bigoted yourself.

Cults don't tend to call themselves cults!

That puts a slightly different angle on things tbh, it sounds like your ILs are being quite exclusive about their particular church which is sad really. It's presumably why your DH has reservations. It's still unlikely to affect your DDs much at their young age and occasional visits though. And by the time they are older you can have the "we love granny and grandpa but we don't quite believe the same as their church" conversation.

The news article you've linked is from 2023??
Surely if you have legitimate concerns about their beliefs, you shouldn't be allowing your children any unsupervised contact with grandparents. One church service will likely have little impact. Regular weekly unsupervised contact gives way more opportunity for influence.

Exactly, I am always rearranging plans that I can when asked to look after the DGC.

If I take them with me it is only where appropriate and I ask those DPs if it is ok.

Take the 4 year old with you to the Marathon and leave them the 2 year old. I challenge them to indoctrinate a 2 year old!

I know a lot of people have said to take the dc’s with us but with flight times and school we couldn’t make it work that school wouldn’t be missed. Again I know this may lead to some comments that I’m terrible for even going let alone without the kids, or how unreasonable I seem to look, a lot of comments of us taking free childcare and expecting my inlaws to bend over backwards for us. This is not the case.

In this situation I’d go to the half marathon alone and your husband can stay home with the children. I wouldn’t be happy for my children to attend a church like this but you can’t expect them to care for your children for the weekend and miss out on their church.

Actually, it isn't. It used to be the case, but even then it was only if you attended a CofE school (which, when I went to primary school, most were). Non-denominational schools never had to. Roman Catholic isn't the state religion of the country, so they would make their own decision about worship, but they'd have specifics laid out to retain their RC school status.

These days, as a supply TA, I have worked in both RC and CofE primary schools. None of them have had daily religious assemblies. Typically, worship is two or three times a week. At the RC schools, they'll have whole school mass periodically - it's been once every half term at the ones I have worked at - and similar to C of E twice or thrice weekly religious assemblies (now often called worship).

Of course you’re not terrible for going anywhere without the kids. Unfortunately, if you don’t want your children to attend this church your only option is for the children to go too or your husband stay home (unless you can find someone else).

School? Aren’t the kids 4 and 2?

Yanbu not to want them to go, however if you want them to have the children over the weekend and know that they are going to insist on taking them then you have to either accept that or find alternative childcare.