AIBU to think our 22 yo son is being slightly mad turning down a free London flat?

[BeNeatCat]

DS is 22 and has finally got his first proper job in London and we are absolutely thrilled for him. He graduated from the University of Edinburgh with a first in Economics last year and came home afterwards. We live in a village and while looking for work he worked at the local farm shop and tutored A-level students.

We didn't charge him rent. He helps around the house and it's actually been really lovely having him home. He says he genuinely missed the village when he was at university the peace and quiet, being able to get back into reading and cycling, and having time with our four dogs.

He's also managed to save about £16k since graduating so it's not as though he's been sitting around spending everything he earns. He's actually been very sensible financially.
He's now got a London job on £38k which we're very chuffed about. That’s a very good wage for a 22 year old newly grad.

DH and I have a two bedroom flat in Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. We’ve been renting for a while and the tenants have since bought a house now so they’ve moved out. We have had it on short term let as it’s been summer time so lots of tourists have been eager, it’s had a new group of people every other week or so since May it’s been quite hard for us to keep up with to be honest as this was our first time doing short term let’s seems as though the market in London is good. We've offered the flat to our son him and a friend completely rent-free. They would only have to pay the bills.
And he's said no.Because he wants to live with THREE of his mates. They’re currently searching and have been going to views for a 4 bed.

I have told him he's being ridiculous. He is 22, starting his first job on £38k, and we've basically handed him free accommodation in London. He could live there, pay the bills, continue saving and potentially build up a very decent pot of money over the next few years.Instead, he wants to rent a house with four friends because he wants the experience of living with them. I get it. I lived with 5 other girls (friends I made at uni) in London after university and throughly enjoy it they’re still my closest friends. And this is where I am conflicted because, if I'm being completely honest, I do understand it but also the economy is different to when I was 22

He's had a very nice year at home. He's saved £16k, had a peaceful year in the village, read, cycled, spent time with the dogs and generally enjoyed being at home. He isn't desperate to leave because he hates being here. He said he was slightly sad (albeit happy) about getting the job because he’s enjoyed being in a village his mind could finally think (his words) He does want to go and have the experience of being 22 and living in London with his mates.

DH thinks we should leave him to it. He's an adult, he's earning a decent salary, he's saved a good amount already and he's allowed to prioritise having fun and living with his friends over maximising his savings.
And I know he's right.

But I can't help thinking that a free two-bedroom flat in Hammersmith and Fulham that is fully paid for and his parents own is the sort of offer you don't turn down lightly at 22!

At the same time, perhaps I'm looking at it entirely through the lens of being his parent. I'm thinking about deposits, investments and financial security. He's thinking about having his four best friends round for dinner, going to the pub after work and coming home to a house full of people his own age.
He's not asking us to subsidise a lavish lifestyle either. He has £16k saved, a £38k salary and presumably will be perfectly capable of paying his own rent. He just doesn't want the financially optimal option.
And perhaps that's the point. He can afford to make the choice he actually wants.
So AIBU to think he's mad?Would you take the free London flat and save like mad for the next few years or would you pay rent to live with four of your best friends at 22 because you only get to be 22 once?
I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm confusing “financially sensible” with “the right choice for him”.

Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.

He should take it and sublet it out himself? Or would that not be allowed?

At 22 I had no desire to own a flat, I didn't even know what country I wanted to live in! I don't quite get why people are so obsessed with saving for places so young in the UK as then you're tied down to them, and there's so much travelling to be done and other countries to live in... I earnt a similar amount at his age and didn't buy until I was 30 which I am very comfortable with. I moved cities and countries and had a range of experiences which I wouldn't have had if I'd been tied down with a mortgage and partner and kids - plenty of time for that stuff later in life. So maybe just let him get on with it as he is an adult and can make his own decisions?

Most 22 year olds prioritise experiences over financially sensible.

he’s starting a new job and he wants friends around him for emotional support and a social life, not to live on his own and be lonely

I'd bite your hand off! What an amazing opportunity.

But I'm not a 22yo man. I have a 22yo son though, and as long as he's not putting himself in real danger or actually asking for my advice, I keep my trap shut these days and let him make his own decisions.

Can you keep up with the short term letting, or keep the place empty for awhile in case the share house doesn't work out or he changes his mind?

He may not want it now, but he will want it in 2 or 3 years time when he’s sick of paying rent, dealing with landlords and living with mucky housemates.

You're bonkers OP - another life story...what's going on, someone practicing creative writing? Rent out the flat and give him the cash - job done, move on.

You can rent it out and give him the rental income instead?

He's an adult. He knows how he wants to live for the next few years.
It's not up to you any more. Even though you think you know what's best for him, it's just for him to decide from now on.

Can I have it? I’ve got three kids, but I can ditch two of them with dh…

No, he’s crazy. But he sounds extremely privileged anyway. when you’ve had things handed to you on a plate, (no rent, you sound like you live in a nice place and don’t struggle, I bet he wasn’t working full time stacking shelves to get himself through uni, and he was able to go to uni and study well to get a good degree in the first place); you don’t see an offer like that as something to bite someone’s hand off for.

Why don't you go and live in the flat if you love it so much?

I’m struggling to work out what the actual dilemma is amongst the Edinburgh first, £16k savings, £38k graduate job, idyllic village life, four dogs and fully paid-off two-bed London flat 😂
He’s 22, financially responsible and can afford to live with his mates. Let him. You sound very proud of him, which is lovely, but this does read rather like a stealth boast dressed up as an AIBU.

Of course he’s crazy but I turned down a similar offer (although not quite as generous) because I wanted to live with friends in a crappy flat share for the first year or so after university. Yes, it meant that I spent a lot of my money on rent but I have never regretted it and look back extremely fondly on the experience.

Let the young man make his own decisions. He's trying to step away from you and values that more than money. Good for him.

Yes of course it would make financial sense, but he’s young and wants to have fun, while standing on his own two feet. Maybe he’ll want to live there in a few years.

Speaking for myself, I wouldn’t want to live in my parents’ flat at that age because my mum would probably show up and let herself in whenever she wants. I would want to feel that the flat is mine, even if it’s rented.

Yeah, I really, really wish this was my worry.

He’s not ready to appreciate it yet. He will be in a couple of years when he gets sick of the big messy loud house. But you shouldn’t push him straight to settling down too early. Let him do it in his own time. If he stays with his girlfriend another couple of years then they’ll want to live together and it would be ideal but again don’t rush him. You’re spot on when you say you’re only 22 once.

That’s an awful lot of words to say “I think my son should stay in my flat”

I realise this is just jealous bitterness but I'm getting really sick of all these MN "problems" involving spare flats and houses and angst about what can be done with them. Just enjoy your vast wealth and chill out op.

As for your son, he's going to do what he wants and you can't physically make him move into your little pied a terre can you. So just go and walk the dogs in the meadow and stop worrying about it.

I mean, this seems the obvious choice, and that way all your money is going to your son instead of subsidising his friend too.

As others have said just rent it out and give him the money for his own rent as you don't need it.

It's an amazing opportunity but also a lot of pressure being the landlord. I see why he might not feel ready.

Could you save the rent for him instead?

Sorry OP, but given the fact that he is financially literate and knows your offer makes monetary sense he has turned it down for spurious reasons. And I think I know why, the answer is you. He knows that if he lived in your flat it would be something you would never let him forget, there would be endless questions about utilities, ground rent, insurance, the other tenants in the block, the freehold, friends staying or visiting, the cleaner, plus every time you visited your eyes would be everywhere looking for issues, it’s human nature…….. he has made it clear he wants independence, and taking the flat would be like still staying in his bedroom in the family home , albeit some miles away in Hammersmith.

(There is also the suspicion that letting him have the flat means you don’t have to negotiate new tenants, with all the risks and involvement that involves, so he might feel a bit used as well.)

It’s just a shocker to me as he knows the state of the country he’s the economics graduate not me but I want him to enjoy living in London. At 22 I loved London couldn’t see myself living there now but also I didn’t have a rent free flat I paid rent so maybe he wants that opportunity but he’s been looking at flats with his friends and to rent in a shared flat depending on the area is £800-£1000.

You're being ridiculous. If you'd be happy to have him live there rent free there's no reason at all why you shouldn't rent if out at full market rent and then give him the money you make from that (less any costs that you wouldn't have incurred if he lived there) so that he can choose where to live and with whom, with that money to supplement whatever rent he can afford. You would be no worse off financially and he's an adult.

Are you actually trying to push him into being your tenant for your own benefit because it's difficult finding reliable tenants who won't be a nightmare to you? Is it possible that he is (sensibly) wary of being in a situation where your landlord is a family member and it becomes a guilt-ridden nightmare to insist on your tenancy rights? Maybe not, but in any case you need to step back, give him whatever support is within your reasonable means and which doesn't constrain him or reduce his ability to soar off without such support when he's ready.