AIBU to think our 22 yo son is being slightly mad turning down a free London flat?

[BeNeatCat]

DS is 22 and has finally got his first proper job in London and we are absolutely thrilled for him. He graduated from the University of Edinburgh with a first in Economics last year and came home afterwards. We live in a village and while looking for work he worked at the local farm shop and tutored A-level students.

We didn't charge him rent. He helps around the house and it's actually been really lovely having him home. He says he genuinely missed the village when he was at university the peace and quiet, being able to get back into reading and cycling, and having time with our four dogs.

He's also managed to save about £16k since graduating so it's not as though he's been sitting around spending everything he earns. He's actually been very sensible financially.
He's now got a London job on £38k which we're very chuffed about. That’s a very good wage for a 22 year old newly grad.

DH and I have a two bedroom flat in Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. We’ve been renting for a while and the tenants have since bought a house now so they’ve moved out. We have had it on short term let as it’s been summer time so lots of tourists have been eager, it’s had a new group of people every other week or so since May it’s been quite hard for us to keep up with to be honest as this was our first time doing short term let’s seems as though the market in London is good. We've offered the flat to our son him and a friend completely rent-free. They would only have to pay the bills.
And he's said no.Because he wants to live with THREE of his mates. They’re currently searching and have been going to views for a 4 bed.

I have told him he's being ridiculous. He is 22, starting his first job on £38k, and we've basically handed him free accommodation in London. He could live there, pay the bills, continue saving and potentially build up a very decent pot of money over the next few years.Instead, he wants to rent a house with four friends because he wants the experience of living with them. I get it. I lived with 5 other girls (friends I made at uni) in London after university and throughly enjoy it they’re still my closest friends. And this is where I am conflicted because, if I'm being completely honest, I do understand it but also the economy is different to when I was 22

He's had a very nice year at home. He's saved £16k, had a peaceful year in the village, read, cycled, spent time with the dogs and generally enjoyed being at home. He isn't desperate to leave because he hates being here. He said he was slightly sad (albeit happy) about getting the job because he’s enjoyed being in a village his mind could finally think (his words) He does want to go and have the experience of being 22 and living in London with his mates.

DH thinks we should leave him to it. He's an adult, he's earning a decent salary, he's saved a good amount already and he's allowed to prioritise having fun and living with his friends over maximising his savings.
And I know he's right.

But I can't help thinking that a free two-bedroom flat in Hammersmith and Fulham that is fully paid for and his parents own is the sort of offer you don't turn down lightly at 22!

At the same time, perhaps I'm looking at it entirely through the lens of being his parent. I'm thinking about deposits, investments and financial security. He's thinking about having his four best friends round for dinner, going to the pub after work and coming home to a house full of people his own age.
He's not asking us to subsidise a lavish lifestyle either. He has £16k saved, a £38k salary and presumably will be perfectly capable of paying his own rent. He just doesn't want the financially optimal option.
And perhaps that's the point. He can afford to make the choice he actually wants.
So AIBU to think he's mad?Would you take the free London flat and save like mad for the next few years or would you pay rent to live with four of your best friends at 22 because you only get to be 22 once?
I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm confusing “financially sensible” with “the right choice for him”.

Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.

Your post is over-long and repetitious.

Your son wants to live his own life, not role play middle age.

Interestingly, he’s the one thinking long-term, by investing in his career and relationships at a time of life and opportunity that he’ll never get back. You’re the one thinking short-term by focusing on penny-pinching in the present moment.

In a year or two, when he’s tired of flat sharing, he might bite your hand off for the flat. (Or might jet off to a job in New York or Milan as a result of the brilliant connections he’s made). But for now he’s busy.

Honestly OP I would be proud of him rather then baffled by him saying no. He wants to be fully independent rare these days for many 22 year olds.

Yes financial sense is free rent but actually that doesn't teach him effective money management and being an adult.

You might find in a few years time he may come back if he wants to save for a property of his own or move in with a relationship partner. Either way its a good thing that he's wanting to be independent.

It’ll be fine. Both my DCs live in London, paying rent just under £1000pm, similar salary plus plan 2 loan and they have a lovely standard of living frankly.

I’d make the same decision, and despite living within half an hour of a London mainline, strongly encouraged both mine to move into house shares rather than save money living at home.

22 is for fun!

He's not crazy at all. He's prioritising experiences over money, and I think he's quite right. He's 22 and wants to have some fun, and it's not like he'll be struggling financially. Perhaps he also wants to cut the apron strings and do things independently from his parents, rather than living in a flat you chose, you bought, and you are giving him for free.

I think I’m not thinking like someone in their early 20s I’m in my early 50s. I’m just shocked because of his experience with 8 stage round interviews which caused him lots of stress. It was just a nice gesture from us for persevering no strings attached but as posters say maybe by the time he’s in his late 20s he might have a different view. The flat isn’t necessarily going anywhere it’s my late father’s flat and holds sentimental value albeit I did rent it out it was to family friends and they lived there for 12 years till they bought their own place at the end of last year and moved out this year so we’ve just had it on short term lets mainly tourists from abroad.

He wants to live with his mates - and hammersmith / fulham is a bit of lame location in London when you're 22. He probably wants to be in a more happening location.

You paid all his fees and rent though out uni, he lived rent free after uni - and you say he's had a job all through uni + the year he was at home?

He must be loaded for a 22 year old, no wonder he's not too worried about free rent. And of course he knows you will bail him out rent wise if he needs it, so why wouldn't he pick the more fun option?

You haven’t answered why you don’t just give him the rental from your flat and let him live with his friends where he wants? If you don’t want the hassle of renting it out anymore then let a rental company manage that completely for you.
Is this solution too simple so you wouldn’t have needed your long humblebrag post?

I agree. And all this “hand wringing “
over a 22 year old no dependents with 16k in savings on 38k a year going to struggle in london…

The salary isn't great for London but managing a decent lifestyle on this salary at his age is exactly what's going to give him good life skills going forward in a way that a free flat never will. Also, think about wider consequences on his friendship group and how whooping it up at mum and dad's expense (which is how it will be perceived) will single him out among his peers.

Let him! He wants that fun experience, why take that away?

In a year or two, he'll soon see the benefit of having his own place.

from all your replies I would say you are in danger of trying to live your ideal life through him. What was your ideal is not his. The sooner you let him go and find out what his ideal life is then the stronger and more independent and more successful he will be.

Good thing DS 22, first from Edinburgh in econ, first job £38k, girlfriend also moving to London, lived in a village, tutoring, worked at the local farm shop, previous job stacking shelves in supermarket, has dogs and a sister, protect the details so well.

Clearly, you'd be the only people with a flat in Fulham (or wherever) so everyone would instantly know it was you.

Turn off your rotor blades, OP.

He may well, in future, roll his eyes at himself, but the flat is always there.

💯

And I think a freebie flat actually doesn't encourage him to be financially responsible - it's now time for him to spread his wings and (partly) cut the apron strings. And live with his friends, an excellent transitional point. And budget for and manage rent and cost of living

We have discussed all the possible ways wirh him and he’s come to his own conclusion he is an adult we can only support his decisions it doesn’t mean we can’t be shocked. We’ve never said we didn’t want hassle of renting ever again, we’ve only ever rented long term to one couple the rest have been short let’s which has been a struggle as we are still learning. We just thought it would be a nice gesture for our son after the year he’s had applying and interviewing for lots of jobs that does take a toll on you of course here you’ll say toughen up either way I know for a fact at 22 I wasn’t going on 6 - 8 stages of interviews or assessments centres and AI filters. It’s not a humble brag but if you think so then that’s that I cannot do much about that.

He's making a foolish decision and he needs to be allowed to make this mistake.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't be in a hurry to subsidise him very much for a while when he's turned down a generous offer and showed himself not to be quite as good with money as you'd thought.

That’s what DH think he said let’s just leave him to it. We aren’t upset. I am just shocked based on the year he has had we thought this would be great seems we had it all wrong. We are constantly learning as parents he’s our first born we aren’t going to do everything perfect each time. No harm in trying though.

I personally wouldn't give it to him rent free. I would make him work for it.

It's difficult because which of his 2 friends does he ditch, while letting the other one have completely free rent? It would cause a lot of damage to those friendships.
You'd be able to rent out a 2 bed flat in Hammersmith and Fulham for way more than the cost of a room in a shared 4 bed house. So I'd do that and then just give him the cost of his rent.

Maybe so haven’t thought of that.

So why not give him the rental from your flat?

That’s what he also said as he did propose the idea to them and they all were interested in the end he decided it just makes more sense for all 4 of them to find their own place.

He’s making a silly and frankly spoilt decision but let him. He’ll soon get sick of forking out 1k a month in rent plus bills.

That’s still all about you and what you think and do.

You’ve set your son up well. Now allow him to taken everything he’s learned from you and go and live a good life he chooses and makes himself.

Why is he spoilt when he is turning down living off mum and dad but instead making his own way? That is the opposite of being spoilt.