AIBU to think our 22 yo son is being slightly mad turning down a free London flat?

[BeNeatCat]

DS is 22 and has finally got his first proper job in London and we are absolutely thrilled for him. He graduated from the University of Edinburgh with a first in Economics last year and came home afterwards. We live in a village and while looking for work he worked at the local farm shop and tutored A-level students.

We didn't charge him rent. He helps around the house and it's actually been really lovely having him home. He says he genuinely missed the village when he was at university the peace and quiet, being able to get back into reading and cycling, and having time with our four dogs.

He's also managed to save about £16k since graduating so it's not as though he's been sitting around spending everything he earns. He's actually been very sensible financially.
He's now got a London job on £38k which we're very chuffed about. That’s a very good wage for a 22 year old newly grad.

DH and I have a two bedroom flat in Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. We’ve been renting for a while and the tenants have since bought a house now so they’ve moved out. We have had it on short term let as it’s been summer time so lots of tourists have been eager, it’s had a new group of people every other week or so since May it’s been quite hard for us to keep up with to be honest as this was our first time doing short term let’s seems as though the market in London is good. We've offered the flat to our son him and a friend completely rent-free. They would only have to pay the bills.
And he's said no.Because he wants to live with THREE of his mates. They’re currently searching and have been going to views for a 4 bed.

I have told him he's being ridiculous. He is 22, starting his first job on £38k, and we've basically handed him free accommodation in London. He could live there, pay the bills, continue saving and potentially build up a very decent pot of money over the next few years.Instead, he wants to rent a house with four friends because he wants the experience of living with them. I get it. I lived with 5 other girls (friends I made at uni) in London after university and throughly enjoy it they’re still my closest friends. And this is where I am conflicted because, if I'm being completely honest, I do understand it but also the economy is different to when I was 22

He's had a very nice year at home. He's saved £16k, had a peaceful year in the village, read, cycled, spent time with the dogs and generally enjoyed being at home. He isn't desperate to leave because he hates being here. He said he was slightly sad (albeit happy) about getting the job because he’s enjoyed being in a village his mind could finally think (his words) He does want to go and have the experience of being 22 and living in London with his mates.

DH thinks we should leave him to it. He's an adult, he's earning a decent salary, he's saved a good amount already and he's allowed to prioritise having fun and living with his friends over maximising his savings.
And I know he's right.

But I can't help thinking that a free two-bedroom flat in Hammersmith and Fulham that is fully paid for and his parents own is the sort of offer you don't turn down lightly at 22!

At the same time, perhaps I'm looking at it entirely through the lens of being his parent. I'm thinking about deposits, investments and financial security. He's thinking about having his four best friends round for dinner, going to the pub after work and coming home to a house full of people his own age.
He's not asking us to subsidise a lavish lifestyle either. He has £16k saved, a £38k salary and presumably will be perfectly capable of paying his own rent. He just doesn't want the financially optimal option.
And perhaps that's the point. He can afford to make the choice he actually wants.
So AIBU to think he's mad?Would you take the free London flat and save like mad for the next few years or would you pay rent to live with four of your best friends at 22 because you only get to be 22 once?
I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm confusing “financially sensible” with “the right choice for him”.

Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.

We aren’t forcing him? It’s up to him he’s an adult. I can be shocked can’t I. He said if it was bigger and all his friends not just one could live with him then yeah but sadly I don’t own a 4 bed flat in London, my father sold his house in London before he passed away and bought that flat for retirement sadly he got ill and did not get to enjoy his retirement or pensions left it all to me and my siblings. Same way I will leave everything as per our already written wills everything goes to our children. That’s just the norm nothing out of the ordinary.

He has friends and wants to experience life in London with his friends. Do you know the quickest way to fall out, to breed resentment and make enemies? I do - put them in your London flat rent-free, your son and his friend. This. They are immediately no friends anymore - he is the landlord and the friend is a tenant, does not matter that legally they are both tenants, but beneficially, your son is a landlord and the friend is a tenant. End of friendship. Also, possibly, a ruined relationship between the friend and the friend's parents - how come this chap has a flat in London and you bought nothing, nothing for me in London - with this entitled generation you never know. Don't put them across 'the barricades' socially, let him enjoy his life in London with his friends.

Be proud that he wants to actually support himself. He’ll never grow up with mum and dad paying the bills. This decision says only good things about him.

In this scenario its the ones with wealthy parents who do alright in the end. Are his mates much wealthier? The same? Can he have the flat in a year or two? He has a 1st is economics so he will probably be alright in the end. But if his mates are more wealthy than him I would point that out. It will be easier for them to build themsleves up financially as they will get more parental help with a , weddings etc. Are his friends from London originally?

Sad but true. Plus if he settles in London he wont have parental help with childcare. Another reason to get ahead. I dont see how he is disadvantaged by not living with the other friend. His choices at end of day though.

• with a deposit

Let him stand on his feet. He is crying out for independence. My parents have bailed out and looked after my sibling emotionally, financially and literally babied them all their life and and now they are 45 in a complete financial and unstable mess and even being evicted. It’s been directly caused by their control and meddling and over support to the point my sibling is unable to stand on their own two feet.
let him go and deal with landlords, bills, rent, living with others, completely free from your security. He may come back after a year with a proposal to rent from you. Right now he is screaming to be released and live life on his own. Taking this away from him is madness in the long term. I have seen it play out and it’s not good.

It's not up to you OP, it's his choice. He can afford to do a house share and that's what he wants to do. You might think it's the wrong choice but that's neither here nor there.

And to be honest, given the extent to which you are trying to involve yourself in this decision, he might feel that living in your flat for free will invite a lot more involvement at a time when he wants independence.

Why don't you just give him the profit from the flat?

This!! He knows there is a very comfortable plan B so he can literally do as he pleases.
Currently the best of worlds.

He has no student loan to repay because you paid his fees. Why don’t you let him stand on his own feet and treat him like an adult? He’s 22, time to cut the apron strings.

My dc rent in London and would be thrilled. One pays £1500 in a 2 bedroom share and the other £1150 in a 3 bedroom share plus bills. once he realises nearly half his take home salary will be swallowed up by rent I expect he’ll change his mind!

Having said all that, I would want to have the fun with mates too.

House sharing is fun in your 20s. He is also probably a bit embarrassed about being so privileged at his age. People tend to look down on those who gets things served on a silver platter, and are far more impressed by those who has had to scrimp and save. Some of my fondest memories are from flat sharing and living on a shoestring. I wouldn't want that now when I'm pushing 50, but I learned so much and had so much fun going through that phase.

He'll probably really appreciate the flat when he's a bit older and want more space and peace, but I think he's doing the right thing for the stage he is at right now.

At some stage you have to back off and let your children live their lives and make their own decisions, good or bad. He is an adult and he will find out for himself how expensive London is. Let the flat, don't give him the money, let him stand on his own two feet.

When you offered and he said ‘no thanks, i plan to do x instead’ that was your time to say ‘ok’ and work out your next move for your flat. Why are you trying to ‘tell’ him anything. You gave him an option; he said no. That's zero big deal. You sound next level controlling here. Step back and let him enjoy his new life.

Of course he should be making his own choices about how he wants to live his life. Yabu.

He is mad to pay rent when he does not have to but I also get not wanting to live alone at that age.

I’m sure once the rent and bills start coming out of his account he’ll have a change of heart!

I had no student debt whatsoever why would I want my children to have that debt. He’s have been on plan 2 so would be paying it for a long long time. My sisters children took out the loan from SFE and then graduated and worked in London but the more salary and promotions they had the worse the plan got. Their parents decided to just pay it for them in one good to avoid it getting ridiculously high when they borrowed £27k they didn’t take out maintenance loans. I am from a country where education is free I grew up in England but have dual citizenship. I was lucky to have been born in the 20th century. I did my undergrad here then went and studied for my masters completely free in The Netherlands. My son looked at masters he was interested in LSE and that was too expensive for us to pay. It would have been great if he had the opportunity so forgive me for not wanting him to have student debt/graduate tax.

I am not academic at all. I did what they now call a Micky mouse degree, same with my masters and my PhD was Mickey Mouse but it was all free and I throughly enjoy being able to study subjects I was interested in just for the sake of it. Would be great if my son had that. He’s certainly smarter than I am and has a more “valuable” undergraduate degree

He’s 22, and wants to start his adult life independently, making his own decisions and having fun! London is a great place to start. He’s well set up to be in a good financial position, but it’s all down to him now.

You need to let him go and be his own person. Time enough for solid, middle-aged thinking when he’s - well - middle aged.

And now you want to feather bed him even more and add even more privilege. No wonder he said no. He must be embarrassed.

I can see why he wants the experience of living with his mates. I would maybe suggest he does that for a few years and then most likely will want the peace a lovely two-bed offers.

Maybe he is embarrassed I can’t control that I only ever want the best for him. I’ve had great opportunities all for free for to study around Europe live in Europe Im grateful so what I’d in an embarrassing parent. I thought my parents were embarrassing growing up and now I would love to get even just one day with my “embarrassing” father who would have done any ring for me.

There's been quite the spate of posts with weirdly similar themes the past few days...

Did you use AI to write the opening post, OP? I've never in all my years in London heard anyone refer to owning a flat in 'Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham'. Humans generally say, I own a flat in Hammersmith or Fulham or Shepherd's Bush or Brook Green or whatever.

Oddness aside, and giving this thread the (dubious) benefit of the doubt, rent it out and give him the proceeds. Let him live where he wants with his mates.

I didn’t want to give out the full details is that okay or no ? Would you like the postcode too in the original post. Of course to people in real life I say the actual area.