AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

Change the locks while she's away. Adult with free will can find her own place to live.

A discussion when she returns that the money was in exchange for doing a job. As the job hasn't been done and she hasn't returned the money then consider that her Christmas present and to not expect anything else nor the opportunity to earn money from you again.

No other problems apart from theft?

Ask her if she really wants to start tugging on the "adult with free will" thread

What’s the job (or something similar) and would she agree it can only be done this weekend?

eg taking someone to the airport

or

mowing the lawn before it rains

What was the job and does it matter if it’s done today or next week? And can she get it done next weekend with out any bother?

Where has she gone? It’s the last of the summer, and nice weather. There may not be many more opportunities.

It's extremely rare for a person to do something so shitty out of the blue against at background of otherwise good behaviour.

Taking this at face value all that you can do is learn from this and don't pay her in advance next time.

Ok she is bad with money and "entitled" according to you her Mum....yet you paid her upfront before the job was done? More fool you.

I think my reaction would depend on how she is generally, and I would aim to give her the chance to put this right, but there would be a natural consequence if she doesn’t.

How much money are we talking?
what was the job?

(Both of these things might change the answer)

but why in God’s name did you pay her for the job before she had actually done it?!?!

That’s the kind option. The tougher option is to tell her to immediately return the money or you will take valuable items from her and sell them on ebay until the debt is settled.

Sounds harsh, but this is one entitled madam. I cannot imagine either of mine doing this.

I find posters on here very cold and they don't seem bothered about destroying their relationship with their children.

You tell her that she has to earn your trust back. If she has really let you down, you tell her that. Who is she away with? Is there definitely no drug issues? She's declared herself an adult, she takes her adult share of living in the house.

Not in my house. If my DS18 pulled a stunt like this his PS5 and computer would be sold if he couldn’t repay me.

You're also an "adult with free will". Ask her for the money back until she completes the job!

Lol! Change the internet password when she comes back? Stop paying phone/car/food?

I'd tell DS, if he pulled something similar, "got €100 for your gaming computer on wallapop, cheers mate!" and send a pic of DH and I drinking cocktails!

And don't pay anyone advance again! Ever!

I would bamboozle her by going quiet if you are normally vocal so she stews on it and then would ask her how she is going to make this right? Ask her how this would work if it was a formal job?

Tell her that she has disrespected and disappointed you. She has lost your trust.

Or rather than think of an adult woman as a 'entitled madam' treat her like an adult. You can't remove someone's possessions. Plus, it really isn't how you conduct relationships with other adults.

Next time she gets paid after the job.

remove all goodwill support for a bit (lifts etc)

Sounds fair. As an adult, I expect my actions have consequences.

Well, this hasn’t come out of the blue. My dd is a teen though not old enough for me to chuck her out for acting like a twat. If I asked her to do something and said I’d pay her to do it, she’d get it done (with some grumbling probably).

She absolutely knows that taking the money and running off would not fly. It’s not the sort of behaviour we would tolerate from her. So something has gone wrong somewhere, which you obviously know.

There is an approach called make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard. If I knew she was entitled and bad with money, I would have made it hard for her to not do the job by not paying her til it was done.

What do you do now? I’d be expecting the money paid back to me. There would be no more financial help for the forseeable future and I’d expect her to be working and possibly looking for somewhere to live independently in the near future if she isn’t in uni.