AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

She’s essentially stolen that money. She’s taken payment for something and then not delivered the goods, and there is no way of delivering it later. I wouldn’t be letting her back in until she had repaid the money she stole.

Line in the sand time obviously ask for the money back
but from now on she fends for herself and pays her way completely

I don’t think big showdowns will achieve anything

like the old saying she’ll need you before you need her

Well for a kick-off id stop paying her for unfinished jobs.

And shed be getting nothing beyond the roof over her heard she didnt earn until she learns gratitude

Not everyone lives where there are ubers and a taxi to the airport for my grandmother for example would cost her £200. It's nearly 2 hours away. She does still fly twice a year and family always take her, she insists on paying fuel and buying breakfast.

Agreed with pp, paying in advance was not very sensible, but selling her stuff is not treating her like an adult. You actually wouldn't be able do this to any another adult without a court order, so it is really just infantilising her to do that. Also it would be grossly disproportionate because that the cost to her of buying replacement items would almost certainly be multiples of whatever you would raise selling the stuff.
I'd go for changing the wifi password at home, and refusing to fund anything for her that you would normally assist with until the value of that is equal to the money she essentially scammed out of you.

Hmm… I would be incredibly calm and show disappointment. I would say I was surprised at her immaturity. I would not sell her items to cover it, that’s not treating someone as an adult. Instead I would ‘recover’ that money in other ways, the ‘no Christmas present’ to cover it is ideal.
I would also bang on and on about the social contract in the house and be very sure that anything, and I mean ANYTHING going forwards was transactional - no lifts, no money, no favours of any kind unless she did something for me first. I would say that trust has to be earned.

Don't know which irritates me more, that she's let you down and kept the money or “because she’s an adult with free will” rubbish. I think it's the latter because it's very disrespectful, as is turning off her phone.

Yeah, if she has no other job at the moment then yes, sell her things and of course, never pay up front again, if you ever trust her again that is.

A debt needs paying back and I'd be working very hard at parenting her til she becomes less entitled, never too late to hit the message home. She wants to be classed as an adult and didn't behave as one. There is no way I'd have even thought about doing this to my parents/friend/anyone but then I didn't need to be paid to take someone to the airport.

Tell her that being an adult not only comes with rights but with responsibility.

She had a right to go away. She has a responsibility to pay back the £120.

How she pays it back is up to you.

And ultimately you are also an adult with free will - that free will will make her life harder if she wants to play that game.

That free will can extend to charging rent, not cooking for her, locking food cupboards and fridges containing food you pay for.

If she usually generally good I’d start with that conversation. How nuclear I went after would depend on her reaction.

But the non negotiable is the repayment of the money.

No offence intended! 🤐

I would go into her room and take her laptop/hair straighteners etc and unless she transfers the money back then sell them.

She's got to have a consequence to this. Fuck around and find out.

This. Your levers depend on what else you currently pay for, maybe thing around the car?

Cool and calm. If you go postal on her and throw your own tantrum it'll be far too entertaining for her.

£120 sounds like far too much to pay her for an airport lift, unless there are exceptional circumstances. She's not a professional driver and presumably you do her favours often enough. I would expect mine to do it for free TBH if I pay petrol. I spend plenty of weekends driving her to uni etc.

She seems quite immature. I guess you have to decide whether your free will extends to letting her off or demanding that she repays the money she has taken on a false pretence, within say 7 days or by weekly I installments, and the consequences of not keeping her promise to repay it..

separately from whether the money is repaid., if she feels she is a fully fledged responsible adult ( notwithstanding that she was unable to fulfil a straightforward commitment) she also ought to be paying her way so if she's not already paying towards board and lodgings then she ought to be paying something. I would suggest 50% of local rate room in house share is a fair starting point.

It’s how I would treat my 18 year old if he essentially stole from me, which is what OP’s daughter has done.

Sod all these Gentle Parenting responses.

She was a selfish shit to do this in the first place, and a nasty shit to be so rude and unremorseful.

I’d be telling her I didn’t like her very much right now, and I didn’t want to look at her whilst I was still so angry. That I expect that money paid back.

Then I’d immediately stop paying for/revoke access to car, phone, any nice extras beyond bed and basic board.

Make her realise just what a shit she’s been, and crawl back when she’s ready to apologise and take proper responsibility for her adult life.

She has effectively stolen from you. The job in question could only have been done at that particular time, she’s not able to make it up later.
Tell her she’s broken any trust you had with her, and she can be an adult with free will and sort her life out without you picking up the pieces.

Have you packed her bags yet?

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Any other totally impractical insight?

My mum once did this to me for something much more minor, but it worked. Bag up EVERYTHING in her room besides her bedding and a few changes of clothes. Tell her that as she is an adult, the parental bailiffs have been round to settle the debt. Once she’s had to live like that for a week, return the stuff with the stern message that any attempt to pull that kind of stunt again will result in a massive yard sale of her stuff. And make sure she has no access to valuables of yours.

Don’t pay in advance any more, she’s abused that trust. And work off her debt of course.

I am genuinely shocked by the wet responses on here saying 'Oh just have a little chat with her when she is back.'

No wonder so many of the young adults I encounter are awful, entitled and often near unemployable.

She is a adult who stole from her Mum!

1. She pays back the money that was stolen
2. She pays for the cost that the person she let down had to pay to get to the airport
3. Whoever is paying for her car insurance stops for the next 6 months. She can either pay for it herself or not drive for the next six months.

Like she said she is an adult with free will and with that comes adult responsibilities and consequences.

I have an 18 yo dd. She is also very entitled. In this situation, I’d choose natural consequences. You work out a way to get the money back, plus all of the extra costs.

I would also be talking about family values and that as a family, we do what we’ve agreed to do and that you’re upset and disappointed that she let you / the person down. Adults do what they say they will do. They have obligations and responsibilities. And ensuring these are the very basics of adulting. Children don’t have any of these and can do what they want. That you expect her to behave in x and y ways in the future. And if she doesn’t, the consequences will be z. Eg you will stop paying to maintain her car if that’s something you do.

Then you tell her how you are going to recoup the money. If you can’t recoup the money so easily, then refuse to pay for something. Or tell her she won’t get a present at Christmas as has been suggested.

I wouldn't change the locks and make her homeless, but I would be furious with her and take £120 of her stuff to teach her a lesson. I would also make sure she knows if she wants to be a fully independent adult she can pay her own way, and start charging her rent and board.

The rest of the world won't pander to her, OP will be doing her no favours letting her get away with awful behaviour