AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

Yes, take her stuff. And remove it BEFORE she gets home. The deal can be if she pays you back immediately you won't sell her stuff. If she can't, tough. Bye bye designer bag / gold earrings / road tax on her car (you'll get a refund for October onwards) / laptop or tablet.

I had to organise a transfer for myself to Glasgow Airport and it cost me £150 each way. (The timing of the flight and the need to wrestle a suitcase meant that a bus wasn't an option.)

I'm sorry, but I may die of frustration if I don't find out if the person who was supposed to be driven to the airport by the feckless daughter actually got there!

If my dd this, she wouldn’t hear the end of it until the money was repaid. That said, she knows I’d take a hard line and for this reason, wouldn’t behave like this.

That is a really shitty thing to do. @NCforobviousreasons1 will you be home when she gets home, or was the airport transfer so you could go on holiday?

I think some form of natural consequence is definitely in order, in that she won’t be given any benefit of any doubt in future, no loans to tide her over until she gets her wages, and never any money paid against future work.

But I would also want her to get a shock, even more so if her response doesn’t improve and include some genuine contrition on Monday, so I might do something quite shocking in return, like selling her car (assuming you paid for it) or some other possession she values highly that she has as a result of your generosity. Charging rent would only work if she has a job and can pay, but selling something you technically own that she sees as hers, uses, and values might work.

It’s frustrating when they do this sort of thing. Taking her things and selling them (though tempting!) would be more wrong (actually theft, where as her behaviour would be a civil matter, legally, unless it was her intention all along).

I think the adult responsibility approach is more reasonable. Does she pay board? Do you pay for her phone or anything? Provide lifts? Since this is out of character I wouldn’t come down too harshly or read the riot act as could completely screw up an otherwise good relationship but instead frame it as: We hear you. You’re an adult and autonomy is important to you. So let’s set things up on a more adult basis…

I find it incredible that anyone would actually agree to take someone to the airport and then just go away, and that is even if she had agreed to do it as a favour, let alone for (a generous amount of) money.

The adult comment is really hilarious. I would be reminding her that adults have adult responsibilities as well as adult privileges and that she needs to choose whether she is ready to accept this.

Not sure about consequences but certainly get the money back and she gets no more handouts for quite some time. Maybe offer to give her a lift and at the last minute tell her you have changed your mind as you are an ‘adult with free will’…

I would learn the lesson and not pay her in advance again, and tell her why.

And how far away is it? Two hours/100 miles it sounds like a crazy amount of money without the full context

Has she always been a selfish madam?

You sound like you're having a toddler tantrum.

If my 18yr did this, I would talk to them first. I would understand what happened, and then apply consequences. I wouldn't treat them like a child and start removing posessions.

If they continued to insist that they hadn't done anything wrong/were an adult/refused to pay the money back etc then of course there would be consequences - yes, including removing the car if appropriate - but so many of these responses are childish and knee jerky.

Is she going to uni in a couple of weeks?

If she's an adult she can pay for that all by herself.

Oh you forgot to transfer money into her account as you had better adult things to spend your money on and exercise your free will.

Whatever.

I was wondering that to!

Well she can't be trusted to do any jobs in future. And she owes you the money.
She can pay it back in instalments but get it in writing. And if she doesn't then it comes out of birthday and Xmas gifts.

So if you paid her Op is that because it was you she was supposed to take or she was taking someone as a favour for you?

Whose car was she using?

At least you know to never pay her in advance for anything again, or lend her money. What a rude and cheeky mare!!

You could tell her firmly that you are getting all kinds of grief from the person/s she was supposed to take to the airport....even if you are not. She has to learn that in life she cant let people down like that and she must return the money. Trust issue. Adults dont behave like that.

"Person supposed to be getting the flight missed it. So you can repay their costs in addition to the £120 you've stolen"

She has stolen money from you and then blocked communication. Does she work, go to uni, how does she survive financially. I would be setting up a very strict repayment plan and any household duties you provide for her would be suspended until she starts to act like an adult. A nice one.

For me, yes I would talk to them but only after they had accepted their behaviour was appalling and made amends/ dealt with the consequences.

If you let people talk their way out of these things- a child will always know which of their parents’ buttons to push to get some sympathy- without making it clear that some behaviour is completely inexcusable whatever the situation, then these people go on to behave exactly the same way again, again and again. And it does them no favours as they become terrible employees, friends and partners in later life and then wonder why they are so miserable/ can’t hold a job down/ have to live with their parents until they’re 40!

you are correct that your adult DD is disrespectful .
She also lacks integrity and conscientiousness .
As for her saying she is " an adult with free will" i think she has behaved like a silly child. An adult doesnt have the "free will" to take money for ajob and renage on it,they would be pursued through the small claims court IRL.
if she tries this sort of behaviour with anyone else she will end up with serious consequences .
Explain she needs to pay back the money back or no more financial support of any kind until shes show some maturity.

Not sure what I'd due but I'd be so disappointed that she could be so selfish & uncaring to someone else.

I would tell her she has three months to move out. She's literally stealing off you, come down hard.

I’d be so angry about this.

If you pay for her phone, I’d stop that ASAP.

I think I’d be saying to her how disappointed you are with her, she has stolen money as well as shown herself to be untrustworthy and unreliable. Give her chance to offer some sort of explanation and ask her how she attends to pay the money back and ensure she’s apologised to the poor person expecting a lift to the airport!