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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

238 replies

NCforobviousreasons1 · Yesterday 17:16

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

OP posts:
pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist · Today 04:11

Yeah the mistake here was paying the money over before the job was done. Not a chance id have done that.

ItsNotMeEither · Today 04:52

Shocking behaviour from a 19 year old! We live an hour from an airport, and while I could use an Uber, Taxi or train to get there, one of our adult kids will drive us and pick us up, for free. It won't even be a discussion. We do lots for them, so I'd be annoyed if one of them even gave a heavy sigh in response to an airport pick up request.

You've got to deal with this in two ways, firstly the disappointment chat. Even if she already knows what you're going to say, do it again, make it long and boring. She must also pay the money back and pay the difference between the agreed price and what the Uber or Taxi cost was.

Then, there's the moving forward with an adult part. With this level of entitlement, I'll be shocked if you're not paying for her phone/gym/toiletries etc at the very least. All of that stops NOW! I wouldn't throw her out or change the locks, I'll always help my children with what they NEED, but any extra stops. No washing, no cleaning, no cooking. I would provide the basics only. There would always be cereal, bread and noodles in the cupboard if she had no money, but apart from that, she would be taking care of her adult self from now on. I would let her think that this is permanent.

You've said this is out of character (I'm not convinced), so if it is and she repays the money and starts taking care of herself, then I would probably relent on some fronts a little way down the track (at least six weeks). But, I'd pick and choose. For example, sometimes it is just easier to cook for everyone or throw on a load of washing for someone else, but, she would need to cook at least one night a week for the family and she would need to throw on washing or vacuum on a regular basis too.

If she's working, and as you say, bad with money, down the track, I'd definitely be charging board, even if you save some of it to give her when she moves out (don't tell her this). You might decide that 100 a week will cover food and toiletries, her share of the cleaning products etc. But maybe put half of that in an account for her when she moves out.

If she's heading to uni, the loan probably doesn't cover everything, I'd be reducing the amount you said you would cover to top her up. This one is a little more tricky. You don't want her dropping out because uni life is miserable, but you shouldn't be funding party nights out of good cuts of meat. Even if it's just for the first term, she needs to see that adult privileges and freedom come with an equally important balance of responsibilities.

I suspect she's had a pretty nice life and been well looked after, but she needs to see the consequences of her actions. Further down the track, if you have spare cash, you 'may' choose to make her life a little easier again, but by then, hopefully she understands a bit more about being an adult and is ready to appreciate all the things you've done for her.

If you don't toughen up on her, she'll be headed for a fall at some point, because she won't be ready to deal with real life as an adult. Toughen up now, so that she'll develop into a better human.

Smokeywater · Today 06:51

Sorry hadn’t read full thread

thetinsoldier · Today 06:51

Oh god, how did the person get to the airport?? That’s an awful thing to do.

It depends how nuclear you want to go. A serious talk with her - how would she feel if someone let her down that way and she missed her flight? The importance of keeping your word, especially if you have been paid.

and the consequences: lack of trust, she can’t now ask you to do anything for her, she repays the money.

If she’s really going down the r I ad c I f her c own ‘free will’, then you could have done fun with that too.

I’d have been mortified and furious if my dc had done this. It’s embarrassing for you

thetinsoldier · Today 06:53

Rosesandthorns66 · Today 00:06

100% this.

I don't think you should have paid in advance.

I would absolutely trust my dc to do a job they agreed to, and would be happy to pay them in advance.

ZiggerZag · Today 06:58

Children are only entitled when you allow them to be so!

Maray1967 · Today 07:17

NCforobviousreasons1 · Yesterday 17:30

You guessed correctly! Taking someone to the airport. She was paid £120. She’s usually reliable which is why no worry about paying her early.
Bad with money in that she doesn’t save but spends as soon as she earns.
Entitled = an example being that she’ll agree to something but then if a better offer comes along complains that she’s being taken advantage of as opposed to realising that’s life!
This is out of character but she’s started getting more “I’m an adult now” so as a pp mentioned, my view is to go down the adult responsibilities route or sell some of her items of my choosing to repay it.

Absolutely, as I suggested in a previous post. Get the £120 back from her quickly either through her repaying the money immediately or by selling something of hers to the value. A lesson needs to taught now.

Maray1967 · Today 07:19

Or deduct it from any parental uni contribution m. But make her pay that sum back in some way.

redjaffacake · Today 07:20

Dreadful. So sad for the person relying on her to get to the airport. Very callous and calculating. I think you underestimate her.

I don’t think this is working as such as a doing a really important job for someone. Working generally has a back up plan. Eg she works in spoons and skives of or pulls a sickie.

forget about the money and then talk to her about here appalling attitude and what a horrible thing to do!

Hairsnakes · Today 07:21

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Tiddlywinks63 · Today 07:25

So, no update from OP…….🤔

Lurker85 · Today 07:57

It’s not just the money she was willing to fuck up someone else’s holiday and leave then with no lift. That’s not entitled that’s just plain being a dick.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · Today 08:04

Does she pay rent? If now now is the time - now shes a adult with free will.

Peonies12 · Today 08:07

PinkyFlamingo · Yesterday 17:22

Ok she is bad with money and "entitled" according to you her Mum....yet you paid her upfront before the job was done? More fool you.

this! Sorry but your mistake in the first place

Steeleydan · Today 08:26

elQuintoConyo · Yesterday 17:25

Lol! Change the internet password when she comes back? Stop paying phone/car/food?

I'd tell DS, if he pulled something similar, "got €100 for your gaming computer on wallapop, cheers mate!" and send a pic of DH and I drinking cocktails!

She'd just go onto 5g

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · Today 08:26

NCforobviousreasons1 · Yesterday 17:30

You guessed correctly! Taking someone to the airport. She was paid £120. She’s usually reliable which is why no worry about paying her early.
Bad with money in that she doesn’t save but spends as soon as she earns.
Entitled = an example being that she’ll agree to something but then if a better offer comes along complains that she’s being taken advantage of as opposed to realising that’s life!
This is out of character but she’s started getting more “I’m an adult now” so as a pp mentioned, my view is to go down the adult responsibilities route or sell some of her items of my choosing to repay it.

Just to say that legally, you can’t just sell someone’s possessions because they owe you money!!

Hairsnakes · Today 08:27

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DreamyRedNewt · Today 08:28

Incredibly rude of her. I guess she still gets an allowance from you at 19? I wouldn't give her anything until at least twice the amount of money was recovered. As as others have said, if she is an adult, she should have full adukt responsibilities

thetinsoldier · Today 08:28

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No, that’s true. Presumably this is the first time OP has done something like this, though, and she trusted her dd to keep her word.

Viviennemary · Today 08:29

That's quite cheeky and I would be very annoyed too. But if she got the chance of a weekend away it would be hard for a young person to turn down. Did she discuss it with you and you said no?

Hairsnakes · Today 08:31

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MeridianB · Today 08:41

FairyBatman · Yesterday 17:37

I would make absolutely clear that she has stolen the money, and she would not be getting a penny from me, including paying for phones etc until she has repayed it.

I would want cash in my hand too, no working the debt off of setting against Christmas or birthday money (a though she also wouldn’t be getting either of those until I was paid back!)

I agree with this. I think you’re under-reacting and your comments about her becoming entitled and stating she’s ‘an adult with free will’ point to a really unpleasant attitude.

The sooner she learns that actions have consequences, the better. You’re giving her a valuable life lesson. If she doesn’t see the harm in this and tries it with someone else they could easily call the police (or worse).

snowmichael · Today 08:52

ImmortalSnowman · Yesterday 17:18

Change the locks while she's away. Adult with free will can find her own place to live.

Exactly my first reaction

Monty36 · Today 09:13

You would get some ten year olds more mature than this. She may say she is 19 etc but in emotional or behaviour years she is not.

Which is all I would say to her. Nothing else. Leave it at that. If she expects handwringing she won’t get it. If she expects attention via lectures, she will not get it.
What she might realise is that her behaviour dictates how others see her.

Anarchy99 · Today 09:17

Viviennemary · Today 08:29

That's quite cheeky and I would be very annoyed too. But if she got the chance of a weekend away it would be hard for a young person to turn down. Did she discuss it with you and you said no?

I think being paid that much for giving a lift to the airport but pissing off for the weekend instead isn’t ‘cheeky’ - jts taking the piss. Why is the bar set so low?

19 is an adult - it might have been ‘hard’ to turn it down but, having been paid, the adult reaction would be to either suck it up or return the money and try to help to arrange an alternative for the relative.

The fact she got arsey about it and turned her phone off shows she’s very immature, despite her assertion that she isn’t.