AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

If the person going to the airport then had to pay for a cab then the cost of this stunt has risen.

I’d give her absolute hell when she gets back and ensure that somehow she makes amends. Don’t ’let her off’ after a couple of weeks when you’re a bit less angry. She really needs to learn from this. It’s theft.

£120 for an airport drop??? How far away is it?
I’d be bloody livid!

@NCforobviousreasons1 disappointing, is of course, an understatement, not necessarily a hill to die on but a lesson for you and your husband.

It's encouraging that "she’s started getting more “I’m an adult now”, she wants more responsibility, ok, therefore she must now realise that, as an adult, actions have consequences.

From October, as an adult, she now has to pay rent, amount determined by you and your husband. Could that be a way forward?

It’s not new behaviour she had a better offer and chosen it.

I forgot to ask… is there a boy involved? It’s usually always about the bf at this age 🙄

Come on this is completely wet! She wouldn’t even be out of pocket- she would just have to pay the money back that she was never entitled to in the first place. This is a pretty big deal- the daughter seems arrogant, selfish, deceitful and entitled. Explanation or not she does need a consequence, otherwise she’ll keep behaving like this and at best never hold down a job/ relationship, at worst end up in prison!

I agree I wouldn’t lock her out or sell stuff but I think there has to be a proper consequence for such absolute disrespect- above paying the parents their own money back!

Many daft posters immediately after this! Horrendous parenting

I would sit her down and say she's an adult now, and what does she think happens to adults who steal? Tell her you could call the police and she would be charged with a crime. Ask her what she proposes to do to remedy the situation. How will she return the money? How will she rebuild your trust? If she just behaves scornfully and tries to brush it off I would give her three options: sell some items to pay the money back, get a job and provide all income to you until the money is paid back, or you call the police. And I would do it too. That's how you teach consequences. In reality the police would do little anyway. But hopefully she realises the seriousness of it and pays it back without you having to take more drastic action.

How did the person get to the airport? Presumably it buggered up their plans, or at least caused inconvenience and worry. So how can your daughter say the job can be done another time? It really can't, can it. I think you'd better explain to her what being an adult actually looks like.

I could see myself doing this at that age BUT I would have repaid the money. I was a selfish teenager but no way would I have tried to keep the money too, I think that shows a complete lack of respect.

I agree there should be consequences but my point was that OP should at least talk to her first before changing the locks/selling posessions/whatever other unhinged suggestions have been made

It would be the last job I paid her to do.
I'd have a frank conversation when she returns about how she will either pay the money back, or work it off.
If she still loves at home, maybe that needs to be looked at too.

Start showing her that you too are an adult with free will. Don’t wash her clothes or bedding or cook for her. I’m sure there’s lots of things you do/buy that she has no awareness of

Could you both be out when she comes home?

Internet password changed.

car key taken off her.

nothing reinstated until the money is replaced both the 120 you paid her and whatever the money the person presumably paid in a cab .

she is totally out of order and needs to learn the consequences of her actions.

She’s 19 not 9 - time to learn some responsibility .

Why was she paid before the job was completed? Any workplace always pays you after you e been at work!!

What do you plan to do?

The only people I’ve known do something like this have been addicts… hope that isn’t a possibility?

Tell her she owes you £120, don't give her any more money and don't cook, clean etc for her, you're an adult with free will too.

Who pays for her phone?

If she's going to use 'I'm an adult', then she can start paying rent at the going rate.

Can I ask as well- who was she taking to the airport? If it was a friend or distant relative then maybe a charge is ok, but if it was you, or another close relative, surely she should have been doing it for free/
for petrol money in the first place?

I personally can’t believe how many pay their teens to do just basic family stuff, like looking after siblings, washing, etc. And don’t get me started on pay per exam result.

Perhaps the first issue is her expecting to be paid in the first place?

Cos "Adult with free will" Bratish behaviour which is essentially fraud.

I want to know who paid for this adult's car and who paid for her insurance.

If it's the parents, and the car is registered to them or they've paid the the insurance, that's because getting sold/cancelled so she can learn what adult actually means...

...being responsible for your own shit.

I suppose it’s a wake up call to you that she’s so entitled and how that’s happened and what you want to do about it. I’d sit down with her when she gets home and talk about what’s going to happen next. I’d be absolutely incandescent though.

Not the car.

Just tell her the car is gone.

Watch the toddler tantrum. And then ask if she's really a bloody adult or a dependent who is taking the piss out of her parents.

That is such an awful thing to do. Has she no conscience at all. Id be furious and so disappointed.