AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

You guessed correctly! Taking someone to the airport. She was paid £120. She’s usually reliable which is why no worry about paying her early.
Bad with money in that she doesn’t save but spends as soon as she earns.
Entitled = an example being that she’ll agree to something but then if a better offer comes along complains that she’s being taken advantage of as opposed to realising that’s life!
This is out of character but she’s started getting more “I’m an adult now” so as a pp mentioned, my view is to go down the adult responsibilities route or sell some of her items of my choosing to repay it.

She hasn't behaved like an adult though.
She sounds bratty and spoilt rotten as an overindulged 9 year old.

She's effectively taken/ stolen this money.
And then has the brass neck to turn her phone off.
I'd be right in her room looking for something to sell. I'd remove it and inform her it's going on Vinted in 48 hours unless she coughs up.

If her parents let her get away with pulling stunts like this they're doing her a disservice.

I wouldn’t escalate this purely for your own benefit but I wouldn’t pay in advance again.
Also agree with agreeing a payment plan or telling her it’s coming out of Christmas gift budget.

You paid her £120 to take someone to the airport (and in advance, too)?
How far is the airport?

I would make absolutely clear that she has stolen the money, and she would not be getting a penny from me, including paying for phones etc until she has repayed it.

I would want cash in my hand too, no working the debt off of setting against Christmas or birthday money (a though she also wouldn’t be getting either of those until I was paid back!)

I know this isn’t the point, but did/will the person get their flight?

So how did the person get to the airport? Who was inconvenienced for that?

I think I’d ignore her for the weekend and then have a talk when she gets back. Now she’s an adult she needs to be paying her way (either with money or chores?) to stay in your house and she absolutely needs to return the £120 or make it up to you in some way.

And don’t ever pay her in advance of a job again!

Im a bit evil but I would tell her the person she stole from is considering police/ small claims court even if they’re not, and that as she’s an adult she’ll need to pay her own legal fees 😊

Well she's effectively stolen from you. I wouldn't trust her to do something like that again and I would recoup the money however you can. Plus a massive lecture about what an adult relationship looks like between parent and child and being a trustworthy person. Is she about to start Uni or already working or still at college?

Yeah this is unacceptable. She definitely needs to pay it back. Does she have her own car, if not revoke driving access of yours until it’s paid back.

She was paid to take someone to the airport and didn't do it!!!!

£120!!!

Too right you're beginning a thread on MN. I wouldn't know where to begin. (Although my Dd would be too scared to come home. She would come home to a purple rocking mother, who would explode when looked at.)

Your generally "good" dd is a little thief. I would not be impressed with this, at all.
Did, whoever, make their flight?

My exact approach would depend on if she is still in education.
If she is not, I would change the WiFi password and have a family meeting upon her return where you lay out the new policies for living in the house in writing. She gets WiFi when she pays her rent and does her share of the household chores.

if she is, then I would still set out rules, but it’s harder to cut off access to resources because she needs them for school.

Sorry meant to quote your "purple, rocking mother" 😂😂 been there.

But you must know that you only pay people after jobs have been done to your satisfaction?
Does not matter if it is a plumber or your daughter.

Sounds like she conned you out of the money. She's untrustworthy. I'd get the money refunded and wouldn't trust her. She's shown you who she is.

Ask for a chargeback from the bank being as it was fraud. Unless it was cash, obviously.

I would be livid. That's a lot of money. If DS ever did that he would really lose my trust - but he wouldn't do it. I don't know many people who would. Your DD sounds awful

Good lord, the number of people who are happy to burn the relationship with their daughter to the ground. "Selling posessions on ebay" - come on. Why would you escalate this?
Behave like an adult, treat her like an adult. Firstly, this sounds like this is out of character - I'd explore that first. And then tell her that she needs to repay the money and that she's let you, and presumably whoever she was supposed to take to the airport, down.

This is very worrying. It’s not even as though she knew that the job could be done another time. Did she not worry that the person might not get their flight and would miss their holiday/ trip? And I assume she knew it would be a massive pain at the very least.

This level of complete selfishness and deceit is not at all normal in a 19 yr old. If she did it to someone she was working for they would sue her, sack her or report her to the police for theft.

Personally I would be very tempted to take stuff she likes to the tune of the money she owes and lock it/ store it away until she pays you back. I also wouldn’t be giving her any lifts/ paying for car insurance as she is an adult so she can do it herself.

Also honestly I would be asking her to move out before Christmas if this is how she intends to behave- she’s broken your trust. There’s another thread at the moment about a terrible experience someone’s had with a daughter lying to her parents and having a house party whilst her mum was away and the whole house got trashed and then they got burgled- who’s to say that your DD wouldn’t do that sort of thing as well (maybe it’s her “free will” to have a party and trash the place too?). If you can’t trust her she needs to find her own place surely?

She obviously should not have been paid until the job was done. That's a lot, is it very far? I'd say change locks. Can have a key when money returned in full. That would be the fo phase of her fafo lesson.

I would actually consider doing that, to give her a bloody good fright. A Yale barrel costs less than £20, and given the little madam has just stolen £120 from you that's pretty cheap.

And when she has to knock on the door, I'd hold her at the doorstep for a chat about yourself being an adult with free will and that's how you chose to exercise it. Protestations about it being her home too could then be directed into a discussion about interdependence between members of a household and shouldering adult responsibilities.

I'd make her sweat. This is a pretty damned bad thing she's just done, and it really needs to be stamped on HARD.