AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

I agree with this. If you are trying to show someone how to behave like an adult then you have to model that behaviour. Which means talking to them first and working how why they thought this was at all acceptable behaviour. Then getting them to pay back the money and realise that you now don't trust them at all.

Do you pay for anything else for her OP? Eg a gym contract that can be cancelled until you get the money back, a preferred shampoo you buy on your weekly shop etc. I’d cancel any spending on her that is along those lines until the money was recouped, because she’s stolen it.
And tbh, depending on her attitude when she got back, and what it was i was spending on her, I’d need convincing to start paying it again.

Isn't that what I said? I don't think they can talk their way out of it - there should be consequences - I just don't think the right approach is to start changing locks or taking away posessions.

@NCforobviousreasons1 it's not just you being disappointed and the fact you paid up front.
She also broke her word and let down passengers travelling to an airport. No doubt that was stressful for them.
That's a shitty thing for anyone to do. DD needs to learn that.

I'm guessing it was you she was supposed to be picking up ? She felt safe in doing a horrible thing because she knows that as parents we always forgive. If it was to someone else then it becomes even more unacceptable if thats possible!

The reality is that she needs to repay probably double the amount - the £120 that she was given and the cost of organising a taxi for the people let down (I imagine that it's OP who was supposed to be picked up from the airport as this would be a reason for giving money in advance to ensure that petrol is in the car etc.

"I'm an adult now"

Well, Okay.

Where are you going to live? Who will pay for your food? Where will you earn money to pay for your lifestyle and PHONE?🤔

In future @NCforobviousreasons1 she gets "paid" once she's done the "job" - although a taxi would be less stressful.

If she lives at home she should be making a contribution towards the household bills out of her "adult" salary from her "I'm an adult now" career.🤦🏻‍♀️

Sure you would.

I wonder who pays for her car insurance?

Making a wild guess here, but I can’t imagine that your entitled 19 year old is finding the wherewithal to pay for her own insurance, and am willing to bet that she isn’t driving a twelve year old fiesta.

Wow. That is unbelievably cheeky.

If she’s got some newish GHDs they would be cost comparable to replace, with the money she has taken from you (which she’s obvs spent but it’s the principle). I would sell them (you would get half the price for them). It’s ann example of if you take money and don’t pay it back then the bailiffs will take your personal belongings to recoup.

At her age, I was living independently and responsible for my own money. I suggest you tell her she has three months to find a flatshare and move out.

As a 54yo with a 14yo Fiesta, I am taking umbrage at your post! 😁

I am and my kids would never steal from someone in the first place. Nor would they be taking money and not doing the job they were paid to do. They certainly wouldn't be telling me they were an adult and then turning off their phone either after stealing money and thinking they could remain living here. They have something called respect.

@NCforobviousreasons1 is greatly lacking in this, assume you have no consequences for behaving like an entitled brat and a thief for yours?

Bit difficult - she's been dead for quite a while now...

My first insurance policy cost about £1100 for an ancient 5th hand astra (that my dad "gave" me as a "gift"🙄 because he decided to stop driving).

If your 18 year old needs a talk to understand she's behaved in a shitty way, I'd suggest your parenting is not as wonderful as you think.

She should be way beyond teachable moments about responsibility, acting with integrity and not stealing from your Mum.

I bet you and DH have driven her loads of places without charging her over the years. If she wants money and independence, she can leave home and get a proper job. Don’t hand out loads of cash for doing family favours, that’s a very slippery slope but I guess you’ve learnt that now.

There must be taxis and ubers.

It's not just the insurance. It's tyres, battery, exhaust, brakes and every other little thing including replacing the ignition lock barrel that adds up.

Anyway...I guess we agree that
Cars = expensive to insure, tax and maintain;
Cars = need a job to pay for them.

Oh I don't doubt it, but as somebody who believes there is no such thing as being too early at the airport, the idea of a guaranteed ride from a family member just disappearing at somebody's irresponsible whim has my blood boiling! I need reassurance of at least a partially happy outcome.

And if they never accepted that, you just wouldn’t talk to them?

Extrapolating this to adult employee behaviour is absolutely wild.

Horrendous parenting because we aren't raising ignorant thieves? You can be happy for your children to steal and be disrespectful, others aren't.