It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

How recent is the split with your daughter’s father?

Wow.

well consequences need to fit the crime IMO.

how does your daughter feel? What has she said about it - is she actually upset or rebellious about it? Does she want to fix it, and if so how? Has she seen how upset you are? Is she embarrassed, upset about any of it herself?

Oh OP I would be very, very upset about this.

Is DD very remorseful?

No advice as I wouldn’t know where to start on dealing with this but am truly sorry. You and your family must be devestated with all the damage .

That sounds awful. Im so sorry.

She'd be more than cleaning up "a bit". Is she sorry?

I don’t really have any advice as to consequences, I’m nowhere near this stage yet of my parenthood, but my god, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I’d be absolutely heartbroken as I expect you are too. I hope you can resolve this and find some peace soon 💐

Poor you. Be kind to yourself.

Thats really really bad. That age are too young for proper parties. They can’t be trusted in large groups with alcohol even with parents there it can get out of hand. It’s very serious and needs serious consequences. Is she contrite?

Confiscate her phone and any electronics, she gets nothing back until everything is back to normal. If she has a bank account she can pay for the damage

I think it would depend on her attitude. Is she sorry?

If randoms turned up and trashed the place, I don’t think you can hold her responsible for that. A fifteen year old girl cannot control others. But make sure she has learnt the lesson of why parties are difficult and what to do if things are getting out of control.

I’d be furious. It’s appalling behaviour and a terrible breach of trust. I honestly don’t know where I’d begin but I do think that a conversation with your ex to try and get on the same page would be sensible. I’d have her scrubbing and cleaning too.

I agree she needs to pay actual money - if there is no way she can afford the whole cost I’d agree a portion with her that really hurts her. Does she know how hurt you are? How is she reacting?

If randoms turned up then I presume word got round on social media ?

Id agree with you if she’d phoned the police and tried to get the randoms out herself, it doesn’t sound like she did this.

I don’t agree. She lied snuck out and held the party. She is therefore fully responsible for it getting out of hand even if that’s not what she intended to happen.

I’m so sorry, that sounds awful. It’s completely understandable you feel violated and devastated. Well you know how your daughter feels- she’s already happily gone out with her friends.

The immediate problem is the damage. I would make her clean all of it. If she won't or can't, second floor windows, then I would expect her to pay. Either from savings or bit by bit. I would be very upset and expect her to be massively apologetic. If she wasn't then I would most likely up the consequences. No going out for x amount of time, no devices etc etc

This is absolutely awful, I'm so sorry. I think the kids your DD is hanging around with sound like a bad crowd. I allowed my DD (17) to have a party recently and they were all really respectful of my home despite drinking alcohol and general silliness. I would be devastated by the amount of damage and theft you describe. Armageddon would be my response to this. Grounding for a significant amount of time and maybe sell a couple of her possessions to recoup some cash to pay for the clear up - you and your son have lost things precious to you, so should she. No more lifts. No more phone. Make her earn them back.

It sounds tricky if her dad isn’t on the same page. are you back at home now?

Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week.

How dare he?

I would be devastated by this.

Natural consequences. No phone/internet, she pays for every last bit of the damage with current or future money, she loses her house key and has to be let in.

I would also be getting dad on the same page regarding not being allowed to socialise in her free time for the foreseeable.

How does she feel about her actions and their consequences?

I'd tell her in those words the impact it has had on you. Just as you have, no anger.

And seperately I'd tell her that you're trying to raise a responsible person woth respect and voundaries so if she isn't going to comply with the grounding that are part of the rules and boundaries at this house then she needs to stay at her dad's permanently.

There's no a lot else you can do.

But handhold, I've been to this sort of party in my youth and can understand the devastation.

Of course YANBU OP. Are your daughter and ex trying to minimise the severity of this issue somehow. It’s outrageous.

And of course the daughter is responsible. Random friends of friends always come to these parties.

15yos make crap decisions but there are consequences. She needs to financially contribute to the clean up at least. So sacrificing her pocket money assuming she doesn’t do any paid work.

I'd be furious. What's her response? She cleans and cleans. You get her useless father on board and grounded for the foreseeable future. Does she have savings? If so she coughs up, even if it empties the coffers.

She should hold an illicit party at fun dad’s house see how he likes it.