It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

I would be so upset.

Inclined to ask her to move in with her dad at least until the end of the summer hols. The clean up is more than a young teen can do effectively.

I am so sorry.

How long have you been home? Have you spoken to her yet? Had her father seen the damage?

Strongly suspect her dad was only too pleased to have her out of the house.

That’s appalling
no phone and absolutely grounded - she needs to contribute to the expenses to put things right
why is her dad being so soft ?!
she obviously planned it all carefully
it’s a massive breach of trust so she has to earn it back

At the very least I’d be expecting her to take responsibility for cleaning up after. I have teenagers, when they have parties in our home, they clean up after.

I’d be more upset about her unwillingness to take responsibility than the actual party. The party getting out of control was probably beyond her current ability to predict outcomes, teenagers are notoriously shit at realising that a negative outcome could befall them, but once the outcome happened she should do much better.

Who is cleaning up all this broken glass? She is not a baby? She is able to host an alcohol filled party, she can clean up the consequences.

Is DD sorry? Has she apologised to both you and her brother? Has she got money that she can hand over for cleaning, repairs etc?

I would confiscate phone/devices for a week and she pays damage. Either through stopping pocket money/ doing extra chores or she get a job.

What has that got to do with it?

I don't think I'd have got a cleaner in until I was home. I'd want to march DD through the house pointing out every bit of mess and damage.

I would be fucking RAGING. As far as I’d be concerned, she could go and stay with her father for the foreseeable. I wouldn’t even want to look at her.
So sorry this has happened to you, OP.

This happened to us, not as bad, but the neighbours called the police. DSS is now 30 and I think finally gets how out of order he was..and one of his mates at his 30th party actually apologised to us. I think there was a bit of ‘you left my mum and moved here’ going on. Though in fact she divorced him. I get on well with his mum but she didn’t back up the groundings either.

well not till there was some shenanigans at her house too.

Hes a lovely man now.

I think you and ex need to be on same page.

This is awful. Why are some kids so destructive? There really is no need. Who in their right mind empties plant pots? Absolutely crazy.

Is she sorry? Do you have ring cameras? I mean you shouldn't have to but it can be worth it.

I’d really want to understand more about what happened. “The randoms” turning up and how they’re connected to your daughter and her friends. What she and her friends were doing while the place was being trashed. It’s her house too, that they’ve egged, trashed, stolen from. She’s a victim here too. I’d be worried about her safety tbh but you know her best.

I agree I would want her out if my sight rather than half arsed attempts to help clean up. I would tell she can come back when she herself has figured out how make amends.

Natural consequences are:

• she loses her house keys. No unsupervised access to the house, if she cannot be trusted to take care of it.
• she is heavily involved in the cleanup efforts. Ideally including at least one "big" job like repainting a room.
• I don't know what her income situation is like but she should ideally be paying towards the damages too.

I’m so torn.
Her Dad didn’t supervise her properly. He should be contributing to the clean up.
She clearly isn’t responsible enough to have her own key.

Who else lives there? Any siblings?

To me, it screams that everyone involved or living there- her, her dad, her siblings, maybe your boyfriend- need to work together to get it right. She doesn’t get to go out and have fun until the house is sorted.

HOWEVER- from what you’ve said about her Dad, will she just go and live there?

She needs to c9me up with a plan to make it go to you and her brother. She needs to fix the physical damage and the trust. So I agree she loses her key and phone contract - she can geta brick phone, her one sold to pay some of the costs.

If she is not extremely apologetic, especially about the sentimental and irreplaceable items, and fully onboard with cleaning, repainting and repairing then I would struggle with her in the house at the moment.

If her dad wants to relax consequences then he can house her for a while, not forever but certainly until the house has been put right.

She’s really not a victim at all. Everyone at that age knows how an illicit house party with no adults present will turn out including the OP’s DD. She would have known word would get round on social media and has probably been to other similar parties herself. This was planned and not a sneaky quiet gathering of girls. As said a tale as old as time.

Sorry this has happened to you and your DS. I can imagine how gutted you both must be.

I have no advice as my DC isn’t at that party stage yet but what has her Dad said? Is he prepared to help rectify the damage as it happened ‘on his watch’? I’m annoyed for you that he’s not supporting the grounding, which is the least she deserves.

like pps, I would be tempted to move her in with him permanently but would that help her behaviour, given his apparently slack approach to the fallout?

It's 7 years now and actually we get on great - coparent well (he is more laidback than me) and have been on 4 or 5 holidays since splitting

I would find this hard to forgive to be honest. 15 is not a naive young child, well old enough to know parties get out of hand v easily. Is she remorseful? I would make her pay for some of the damage or clean up. She clearly can’t be trusted very well, it’s an awful thing to do when she knows you’ve had a hard time and were having a break abroad.

Can she go and live with dad so you and Ds can feel safe? Even for a while?

When I was 17 my friend’s parents went away and he threw a party. It was all fine until this group of kids (adults?) we didn’t know turned up - way before social media so just word of mouth - and just started trashing the place. It was terrifying. We ended up locking ourselves in the master bedroom and calling the police ourselves. It was an absolute nightmare - they set fire to the couch and emptied everything in the kitchen and crashed into his mom’s car and dumped all these drinks into their pool. Thousands and thousands to clean up. We didn’t see him again all summer as he was working to pay for the damage. Obviously his parents understood some of it wasn’t his fault and they were glad he called for help but given your daughter didn’t see anything wrong and is still not even trying to sort anything I can’t even imagine what is bad enough of a punishment.

You urgently need to get her dad to understand the seriousness of this. Has he seen the house? Is he trying to help? Obviously teens are great liars but he was in charge.

Well firstly, she should be spending this part of the holiday cleaning lentils out he pool, cleaning windows and repotting the plants. This is way beyond what a cleaner should b expected to deal with as well, was it a specialist? She should have paid for it.

Does she have a nice friend group, where you know the parents? I'd get onto them too if she does, they can clean up some lentils with her.

I'd also get her to write a list of every bit of damage, costs etc. so she actually sees the scale of it and reflects a bit.

I agree. I would go nuclear. Strip her room and send her to her father's.

To have my home destroyed and violated in this way would take me a long time to get over.

Neither would I care about it fracturing my relationship with her. Some lines shouldn't be crossed.

She was calculating enough to plan this party and lie to her father about where she was, which makes her entirely responsible for the fallout. Kids these days are fully aware of what happens when word gets out about a house party.

Honestly OP, you aren't remotely unreasonable, she betrayed you are your feelings are entirely justifiable.