It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

I’m really sorry this has happened. If you can do this calmly, and I wouldn’t blame you if you can’t, perhaps tell her you’ll be speaking to her about this, but not just yet. Give yourself time to assess the damage and when you’re ready explain that inevitably her actions have changed your relationship as there are now trust issues and that’s something she needs to accept as a consequence, then go around the house with her (don’t do this by yourself) and have her note everything down. Then sit down and assign a financial value to everything and talk about the things that cannot be replaced. Then make a plan going forward for how to tackle that debt over a long period of time, which could include her making financial payments but also withdrawal of your services and her doing errands. If you don’t include her in the process, the whole episode will be easier for her to forget. I don’t think grounding her will be as effective as this, personally. I don’t think it teaches them much.

Shocking her dad hasn’t followed through on the grounding. No doubt as easier for him if she’s out. I’d be livid and she would be grounded for some time. Very sneaky aswell, and a big lesson for her on how things can get out of control. I’d be making her earn that money to repay for everything and taking away any keys when you’re away in future as she cannot be trusted. Not like you left them home alone, she was sneaky in planning this.

Or two toothpicks in case she has to chopstick them out. And she has to pay for the toothpicks.

But yes, she needs to get her nose to the grindstone.

I'd make sure she got a job to reimburse me;
I'd see if there were any avenues to pursue charges against those that trashed my house and stole my belongings;
and any plans for extras/special things would be cancelled until financially recovered and all put right.
OP can you put in an insurance claim?
If so, consider if increased premiums make it worth it.
I'd be so devastated and feel so betrayed.

I'm hoping so! I'll be collecting her in the next few hours and will report back. When we have spoken she did seem sorry.

She can live with her dad.

It all sounds awful for you and I agree with all the previous posters.
But I’m intrigued by the « above ground pool » . What does that mean? Is there another below ground pool?

Yes, I'm inclined to be quite strong on punishment, but it could be because I'm rather at the end of my tether... I have paid for a cleaner from her own bank account. She has far too little to cover other losses, though.

Christ on a bike. What a nasty and uncalled for post.

Wow.

Op i did this!

I was 14. Very similar situation...I was supposed to stay at a friend's while my mum was away but went back and invited every Tom dock and Harry. Thankfully this was pre social media. Important jewellery was stolen. My mum was devastated

The thing I want to tell you is...I remember my total astonishment that my mum found out. This is despite the fact she was friendly with all our neighbours who all told her the moment shr was back.

This illustrates to me that I really was missing a bit of brain development relating to understanding consequences! I think the teen brain is very very different to an adults. More like a toddlers in some regards.

I wasn't stupid but I honestly didnt think about any consequence..only about looking cool in front of my peers

This is what I would do:
-grounded and deviced confiscated until situation resolved
-work out cost of damage and decide what is reasonable to expect her to cover i.e £700

• she pays it out of her savings or allowance or works it off with chores

-I would expect full compliance with the above and a lot of remorse before the grounding finished

And how dare she??
Theres a serious lack of remorse on display here.
My dd isn’t perfect but she would have been so so upset and so desperate to make mends there’s no way she would have even wanted to be out with mates.

I would make her clean and pay for everything.
If she hasn’t got enough savings then she works every weekend for £2 per hour to work it off. No way would I be paying ‘minimum wage’.

if she wanted to ever make up with me -well it would take a long time.

I might be in the minority but I think it’s utterly terrible what she has done and I would be a long time in forgiving.
It’s not just ‘stuff’ , it’s not just ‘a bit of cleaning ‘. It’s your home where you should feel,safe and where your belongings are safe.
And the ‘talk’ I had with her would be unpleasant to say the least.

So sorry for you about this. I would be more upset about the breach of trust than the physical damage in some ways - and it is so much worse with the theft of items and impacts on your DS as well.
Agree with others that there is little to be gained by going ballistic - and that actually calmly outlining all the reasons you are disappointed, shocked and upset will have more impact.
I’d suggest that she has to be there helping for all the hours you may spend clearing up - and can’t go out doing other things until the house is as good as it can be. Also agree you should work out the financial impacts and consider how she contributes to this. Maybe she should be the one combing eBay and FB marketplace to see if your missing items are advertised.
If items such as jewellery are missing , you should involve the police for sure. A police interview may make some of them think again about attending a party uninvited.

She is a very lovely girl. I really like her friendship group and she has had a few gatherings during the day at our house when I've been there. They are respectful and nice people - very polite. And no, she couldn't have controlled the randoms - it was advertised on Snap and they must have kept on coming.

I need to talk with her. I've said it's time for a new leaf and to knuckle down and focus on GCSE's anyway. But we need a good sit down chat this afternoon.

Ach you are also right! I hate the lying.

That was uncalled for.

Firstly, the child WAS safe while on holiday. She was at her dad’s. No different to parents who are together and the mother has to take a trip for work or whatever.

Secondly, teenagers lie. I told the most outrageous whoppers to get around my parents’ admittedly v strict rules at this age. I would often be dropped off for a sleepover, when I knew full well me and the friend in question were actually heading out to a club. I was 15 at the time.

She needs severe punishment for this. But this is not directly the consequence of poor parenting. It’s a child with over confidence and a lack of understanding for safely. Hopefully she’ll have had some fear significantly knocked into her now which will help keep her safe going forward.

I have said to her that I am devastated, but we will have a good chat about it later.

I would be really upset OP.

I know PP here say they'd be furious, angry etc

But it's such a breach of trust, your home has been violated, precious things broken or stolen. I would be so sad and hurt. Your house is basically a crime scene and your DD did that.

I really hope your DD is truly sorry and remorseful.

Your ex needs to get on board as well. Letting her go out with her friends after that? No. I'm not saying he should be punishing her in the same way but he can't be "fun dad" about this. DD lied to him and the consequences are massive.

She should be in the house cleaning and contributing to getting the house cleaned up.

When are you coming home?

Hopefully all her friends are fucking terrified about what went off.

I think you can legitimately remove her smartphone and give her a dumb phone though. Possibly for the whole school year.

Honestly I'd be furious ! But I think the best approach is to ask DD herself what she thinks an appropriate consequence is for this? Go round the house slowly with her, talk about everything that is damaged or dirty or stolen and then ask her at the end .. what do you think should happen now.
And see what she says. She may be able to more fully appreciate the impact of her actions then

So, on her dad's watch, DD lies, gets drunk and creates a situation where property is trashed and stolen, and he thinks his only responsibility here is to be temporarily 'furious' then let her off agreed consequences?
If it were me I'd be telling him that when this happened he was in charge so he needs to step up and decide on the consequences, and also make a contribution to the costs of repairing the damage.
That may focus his mind a little and bring him to the same page. Because frankly, while she has one parent who she can do what she pleases with its going to be much harder for you to create meaningful consequences.

Are the friends parents aware ?