It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

Not at all. I had lots of gatherings and small parties as a teenager (at mine and at friends houses), none of them got trashed.

I got in at midnight. I'll be picking up the kids as soon as they wake up, from their dad's.

We spoke the day after the party and I made her do a video tour around the house - it was quite hard to see the damage, though and she had been cleaning up already - which was obvs good. I was more concerned for her own safety when we spoke, as the kids who turned up were all older teens and because the police officer said that she was very drunk.

Her father has been great and brought her here to clean up - he was furious with her and having the police bring your drunk daughter home in the middle of the night must have been terrifying.

You need to sit with your daughter and find out how the party’s came about. You need to articulate what it was about the party which hurts - her irresponsibility, putting herself into a dangerous situation, causing damage to your home, adding to the stress of resolving it which spoiled your holiday. Give her some space for that message to sink in. Whilst she’s been at her dad’s she has been allowed to just compartmentalise it and forget about it and he has already let the punishment drop. She will come up with ways of making good - cleaning, funding the repairs, etc.
you need to be clear with her dad on the impact and message, she can’t have chance to play you off against each other. Presumably he also hasn’t seen the extent of the damage. Show him, have your daughter give him the tour.

I've heard of situations where kids organise small parties with known people then the address gets spread around so they end up with a load of randoms who cause damage like this. If this is what has happened here I would have some sympathy.

She’s not a victim, she lied and planned this. She could have called for help and she put herself at risk by being drunk. I would be livid and go nuclear. If she complains tough shit, she needs to learn a very valuable lesson

That's how I would feel.

It might not be her fault that "randoms" turned up but she held the party & I'm guessing invited the friends who did tell the "randoms".

What a an absolute breach of trust to treat your house like that.

Oh dear she needs to get her sleeves rolled up and start cleaning. Best look for a part time job to pay for all the damage as well.

Even without the additional context, of course yanbu. I'd be fuming.

Natural consequences work best for teens ime. She pays you back for the cleaner. She is made to tidy up any and all damage. She is made to replace the things that were taken or broken. If that means reducing or stopping any allowance for an indefinite period then so be it.

This is fucking terrible. I'm not sure I could get over it with her, TBH. I do know she'd have to stay away from me for a very long while.

You'll get through this OP. But I am extremely sorry you find yourself in this situation.

It sounds like this girl has a nice life with parents who get on - and clearly give her a level of freedom and leeway.

She is barely 15 and lied about where she was in order to host a party at her mum's empty house.

A 10 year old could predict the potential outcome. This girl needs proper consequences not sympathy.

I'd send her to live at her dads for a long time.

No I don't think it is even friends of friends who cause the damage it is literally groups of reprobates who go around causing damage to other's houses. I don't know how they find out where the parties are but I know my teen has said she has to be careful when organising parties (we know about).

You say you are freelance. Do you work from
home most of the time? I agree with the person who said she loses her house key completely. If she’s only just 15, is she going into Y11 anyway? I’d keep her on strict controls all year to be honest, til GCSEs are over. So hard with her dad not on board though.

Right, so it sounds like her dad's not completely useless.
As others have said, I'd be fucking raging. She needs to clean every inch of the house, no matter how long it takes. She needs to pay for every penny of the damage...whether this is from money she has already or no pocket money for the next few months. If she does any activities I'd cancel them for a couple of months and put the money towards the damage.
As far as consequences go, I'd ground her til Christmas.

Posters calling her a victim are absolutely bonkers, she caused this and she needs an absolute shock.

That might damage her entire life (due to emotional destruction of the maternal relationship) for one extremely dumb mistake as a teen. She needs to be strongly punished. She doesn’t deserve to have to live with the consequences until her own deathbed

Get the house key back.

Cleaning and replacing at weekends for the foreseeable.

To me on the case the mother punishes as it is her place, what happens at the father's is for the father to deal with

There is no need for each to play off the other but when people split it is up to parent concerned to deal with it at their place

Same as if something happened at the dads the op should not be involved

I think I’d sit down with her and talk about the specifics. Why she did it, what she thought would happen, how she ended up so pissed she could no longer manage the situation. Presumably she thought she would have a small party.

How it ended up in social media is quite an important aspect.

Assuming she used her phone for inviting people to the party, I’d take it away permanently because she’s used it to create this situation. And her keys of course. It’s probable that she will move to her dad’s but there isn’t much you can do about that. She has two homes which is usually a disadvantage now it’s advantage.

I couldn’t even begin to imagine how to clean out lentils in an above ground pool.

This in itself could be an excellent consequence. Make dd pick them out one by one with a toothpick.

There are some very strange responses on here!

Send her to live at her dad's? What an awful attitude! If the parents weren't separated would you send her to a homeless shelter?

But also, the people saying it might not have been her fault that randoms turned up...she lied to her dad about where she was and had a party (with alcohol, way underage) without permission, with no thought for her mum's property, consideration for the neighbours or respect for the rules.

And on reflection, I'd add to my list of consequences- apology letters to all the neighbours.

I'd also go nuclear on her. I'd work out the cost of the damaged cause and expect her to somehow pay some of that back. She's had her own possessions stolen so she might understand how violated you feel that you've essentially had your house ransacked.

Oh, OP, I would so so furious!

Mine were feral but the worst I had to contend with was my DS having some of his disreputable friends over one day when I was out. One of them badly scared his sister, which I think was a wake up call for him and it certainly never happened again.

Is your DD penitent? Does she realise what else could have happened? Did she get scared at any point when it got out of control? Hopefully, like with my DS, this will be a wake up call for her as to what can happen when you think you are more grown up than you actually are.

But she's got a LOT of cleaning up to do and a very frosty mother to deal with and I hope being put to work to sort out what she can might be a lesson. As to the stolen stuff and the ruined things - I am so sorry about those. Like I said, hoping it's a one-off event where the in-the-moment discovery of loss of control and subsequent horrir might mean you get a few years of good behaviour!

I have no helpful advice on dealing with your DD so will focus on practicalities.
House insurance, is this invalidated by her putting out word about the party. Either for damage to the house or for the stolen items.
She was under her father’s care, will he pay up for repairs?
Re your lost contract, do you have any business insurance which will help either with the shortfall or court costs?
Is there any way to use social media to circulate pictures of the stolen items?

What have the police suggested about the stolen medals bans jewellery? Check Vinted, eBay, fb marketplace and local pawnshops.
has she admitted how these reprobates found out?