It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

I would sell anything of value that belongs to DD. No pocket money for a year. No sleepovers. Ground her completely.

I would be so fucking furious, omg.

She must have stuff-even clothes.

Sell what's worth anything, everything except her bed,and either donate or burn the rest.

Leave her with one set of clothes, her uniform, a plastic bag, a toothbrush, a towel, a hairbrush and two sets of underwear. When they're dirty-she launders them

I feel for you and your poor son who has lost his precious prizes.

Is the Dad contributing anything to the damage? Happened on his watch, I know she snuck out, but if she had damaged someone else’s property would you be going 50/50 on costs?

Can you take the dad to small claims for the damage?

I'm still not understanding the suggestions that she 'couldn't help' the randoms!
I have 2 adult kids who are past this age now, and they've had gatherings over the years, as have their friends, and not one party has ever got out of hand. They simply invite their friends. People outside of their actual friend groups have no way of knowing about the party. An 8 year old would understand that if a party is 'advertised' then you are asking for trouble. There's no excuse for this at all.

Oh and also, her dad should be punishing for the lies about where she was. That's a separate issue but still very serious. She shouldn't be allowed out overnight again for a very long time, she clearly can't be trusted.

Honestly with that information I would feel a lot better in your shoes - you have one problem a daughter who made a very serious mistake not 2 problems - a child who can’t take responsibilities. I’ve made mistakes in my life and gotten things wrong, we all have. She made a huge mistake but trying to be accountable for it and trying to put things back together is good. I would talk to her and work with her for her to learn her lessons from this experience including fixing the trust issues she has created with you.

Her response does show she is a good kid though. You can at least take some consolation from that.

Honestly, I find chats tend to let them off the hook more as they always ends in forgiveness and let’s fix this now.

Just let her SEE the upset and disappointment , that it is a direct consequence of her actions and deceit y don’t care about anyone else’s, how upset you are at the mess in your home and tell her she is cleaning until it is all sorted.

She has already learnt the lesson and will continue to learn it organically as she cleans and witnesses your upset, not to do that again.

Not sure if it is an option but insurance accidental cover might help? Preserve evidence, photos , screenshots of the partuybeing advertised, police reports and call them.

Yes, and don't forget to make her a hot chocolate and give her a cuddle.

What a shit parent he is.

I would be furious. I threw a secret rager at 15 too. The house was left spotless (me and my mates cleaned for five hours the day after) I was on alert all night for damage and all that got broken was a pot plant by accident. I turned away people I didn’t know, no police etc, music turned down at midnight.

Mum found out but wasn’t too furious because I’d done it relatively responsibly. Having the police called and things stolen… I’d have been grounded for months.It sounds like the house became a trap house for the night not a teenage party…

My kids are nowhere near 15 yet. Is it normal to allow your 15yo to go for a sleepover without checking there will be an adult there and speaking directly to the adult? Is it normal to just take your 15yo's word for it?!

I think the dad was negligent and partly responsible tbh. Why is he not contributing to the practical and financial costs of clearing up? If you were still on holiday when it happened, why didn't he go back with DD to help her clean up? He should have insisted on her making amends as best she could and physically helped her to do so.

Make sure you take photos of the damage - I would be very tempted to send photos to all her friends parents so they are aware of what happened.

Man alive, I would be angry with a white heat.

I feel for you op, but also feel a bit for your daughter - parties can quickly get out of hand and I’m sure she didn’t intend for it to go as badly wrong in terms of destruction. I know if that had been my DD’s they would have been terrified and horrified as things got out of control… I would be harsh but not too harsh - she is only 15 and 15 year olds don’t think the consequences through like adults do. It’s a tough one. Good luck and hope things get better for you.

I think you need to stop saying you are devastated - it sends far too soft a message

she needs you to be ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS

Counselling, my arse. Her phone would be sold and computers. Her savings would be raided and she would clean till her knuckles were sore. She would learn some respect or go and live with her father and let him deal with it or not as the case may be.

Actually it might be worth putting the pictures/video of the damage on social media, along with photos of the items stolen, and asking for any parents of Y11 pupils who attended the party to come forward and help find these items.

I have paid for a cleaner from her own bank account.

That's a good start. And I've just read that you've lost your job, so that makes what she's done to you, even worse, financially.

I would absolutely focus on her lies, and how she's let you down and lost your trust. Yes, she probably couldn't have stopped people doing the damage, but the lies and getting drunk were entirely down to her. As was the initial decision to have the party without your knowledge.

And yes, getting her brother's medals back need every bit of effort on her part.

I’ve noticed your posts before @LejlaKapovicI feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune to have you in their life.

Even if you don’t sincerely mean what you write, you have that inside of you in the first place.

My brother did something similar at 15 and he was working to pay off the damage (my dad took literally every penny) for like two years. Paper round, then a part time job, by the time he got his first pay check he was allowed to keep he was 17.

Honestly a lot of kids do it and she wasn’t being malicious but she needs to know actions have consequences. Really sorry this happened OP, but it does happen to a lot of people so it’s not really a reflection of your parenting. It’s just teens being teens.

Oh and I think she should have brick a phone for a while.

I’d be raging too. I wouldn’t confiscate her phone. I’d sell it and use the money to pay towards the damage and get her a brick. If she’s not mature enough to use her phone properly then she doesn’t get to have one. If she’s knuckles down and works hard she can earn it back at some point in the future

A good chat? A chat! About completely trashing your home when you've just lost your job. Your response is a chat.

She'd get nothing for a very long time if it was me. There's no pocket money to withhold and she wouldn't be getting birthday or christmas presents for quite some time, either.

Pretty sure that screenshots of a household member inviting people to the house will scupper insurance claims. Because the thieves were invited guests… technically

'Year 11 Leavers'!? I'm reeling at that suggestion. I was imagining rough older 'lads' from the local village/estate who had no connection or care for you. She's been devious and stupid but once the house was overwhelmed by those pricks she would have been pretty helpless.
Maybe scared to name them.

Aside from all the obvious stuff like consequences and clearing up herself, she needs to understand just how devastated you are. And your DS - the medals are irreplaceable! This is the kind of stuff of nightmares - your home has been violated. She has a lot of thinking to do and she really should be feeling bad about this @IllBiteYourLegsOff and that includes she’s temporarily damaged your trust and lost that yours would have been the party place.

I’m sorry, it’s a rotten thing to have happened.

one last thing - don’t let the client get away with not paying. That’s theft. I know it must feel easier to just let it go but I think you may regret it.

Hope things improve soon for you.