It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

Got home at midnight - I'll see him later today. He's very nice and we get on well but he is less strict and always has been! I can't control what he does/says although I do try to influence. I'll have another chat with him today.

I would be beyond livid and feel very violated.
i think you will make more impact on her if you can maintain you cool (after an initial angry outburst which I’m sure has already happened).

Have her write down all the damage. Maybe room by room, then review the list with her and point out and make her add what she missed. Get this list priced up.

Get her to respond and give ideas in how she will make up for this. Make her part of the solution, I think this will help on the accountability part. But you will also add to her list, and decide overall.

She needs to be involved in a lot more cleaning.

She needs to contribute money. If she has latest and greatest electronics perhaps sell and replace with cheaper options. Clean out her savings.

Grounding. I would allow some normal socialising so long she remains respectful but no sleepovers or concerts or big events for a while.

I would consider counselling for her. She is likely to be experiencing a great shame over this. But also she is very young to have done this. Why did she do this, why did she get so drunk, why didn’t she or any of her friends call the police themselves. Somebody neutral to help her work through what was in her head and give her coping skills.

I really feel for you. Alcohol and young girls (or guys) is a terrible mix. Both of my very good DDs had one terrible instance each caused by being terribly drunk. They learned their lesson. Neither to this extent, but I can emphasise with how you must be feeling.

It's sad he has already let her go to her friends house rather than grounding her.

You must be gutted. I would be beyond words.

I assume her dad has seen the damage?

As a parent of a 15 year old there would be VERY severe consequences for this. It is beyond disrespectful.

I would speak to her dad and agree a suitable punishment that you are BOTH on board with.

The word spread no doubt thanks to social media apps, so her phone needs to go for starters. Offer her a brick phone instead.

You then need to add up the total cost of the damage and theft (including the cost of all the cleaning) and it really needs to be her paying the bill. Either through getting a job, or personally I'd work out how many hours of work at minimum wage the damage came to, then make her volunteer somewhere for that amount of hours e.g. if the damage was £500, then a 16 year old minimum wage is £8/hour so 500/8 = 62.5 hours volunteering. She can do this at weekends or evenings.

I would be tempted to contact the parents of any other friends she invited to show them the extent of the damage.

And the very first reply starts looking for excuses followed by other posters saying she is a victim and you need to sit down and have a chat with her!

I wouldn't care if the split had been 7 minutes ago, so what!

She is not a victim-she is a liar and destructive. She is so upset, she's already going round and about again,

"Chat" well, I can't say what I would do instead of a chat but it would make her think twice before she ever stuck her head over the parapet again.

Any money she has, take it and that includes no money being spent her for a year-including Christmas and Birthday.

I don't know how you can bear to look at her.

After I had had my "chat" with her, she would be off to her dad's and she could stay there. I would drive her over there-she could sit on a cushion in the car-with a small holdall, containing her school uniform and a change of underwear. When they are dirty, she can wash them.

Sell or give all her precious stuff away-she might feel a bit of what you and her brother feel.

This is not a time for gentle parenting and chats. This is a time for punishment.

I know hand wringers will come along, outraged but you have a choice: get tough or let her walk over you and get away with it while she and her mates have a good laugh behind your back.

How absolutely awful. No advice, OP, but you have my heartfelt sympathies ❤️

Snap, for a start. Maybe Tiktok. I read an old Mumsnet post in the night suggesting taking her phone and checking Snap and Tiktok history. I would love someone to hand back my son's medals - leave them on the doorstep. They have no value to anyone. So I would love to track people down. They were all year 11 leavers from DD's school. She claims not to know which ones, but surely she must! I would happily contact their parents.

15 is still quite young. They look like adults, but my god, they aren’t.

You haven’t, I think, answered the questions about how contrite she is — the answer to that one would determine what I did next. But I agree that getting the egg off the windows (paying for a window cleaner herself if necessary), getting the trash out of the pool, and picking up all the broken glass are brilliantly unpleasant/repetitive/mind-numbingly irritating tasks that would give her lots of time to think about what she did wrong. And, unlike repainting, she can’t make a total hash of them. And if you’re like me and it takes you a while to work out how to say exactly what you want to say, you can set her to work on these while saying you’ll talk to her later.

But while she might have planned a sneaky/forbidden party, she obviously didn't ‘plan’ to trash your house or let in a bunch of professional thieves. Some of this is just rotten luck, for all of you. My kids had parties at that age (that I knew about) and no strangers turned up, nothing was trashed. It sounds like you live in a lovely home (just saying that because of the pool!) — I wonder if the pond scum who do this stuff are more likely to target big houses?

Commiserations on your horrible month, and in particular you must be heartbroken about your dog. Just in case you were wondering, you absolutely don’t have to be the perfect rational parent right now. If you want to go apeshit, I think you’d be quite justified. Teens don’t have a lot of empathy for their parents, as a rule — it wouldn’t hurt her to be made to think about how shit this has been for you, as opposed to how shit this has been for her.

Great parenting. One parent who fucks off abroad with "the boyfriend"

Op left her dd in the care of her father for a limited time, as most parents would feel perfectly happy to do. This isn't a case of a 10yo being left to fend for themselves for 2 weeks, with no supervision or care. What a ridiculous post.

So sorry, that's just awful. I wouldn't want her in my house again, not for a very long time. Can she go and live with her dad for a while?

I've been on Mumsnet a long time and this is quite honestly the nastiest , most vicious contribution to a thread I've ever seen. Aside from dripping with mysogyny towards this woman for being on holiday with her 'boyfriend' , you've predictably laid responsibility for this event at her feet instead of squarely and solely with the father where it belongs. I would tell you that you should be ashamed to write such unkindness but I can already tell it would be a waste. Utterly disgusting , hate filled bilge.

I would be furious and dd15 would absolutely be paying for this.

Id get the facts -
e.g. messages/posts she made about a party [did she basically encourage a free for all at your home],
who did she invite
who did her friends invite
get footage of damage being done [there will be some],
identify those causing damage and go to their parents.

Her and her pals would be picking every lentil up and cleaning every surface. Her phone and any priviliges would be taken away until she tracked down medals and stolen property.

Part time job to recover costs.

(Friends accidentally damaged a piece of furniture when babysitting - we had to babysit for free for a year to repay. We didnt arse around on someones furniture again - we learned our lesson)

This is what I would have expected in a couple of years' time - respectful parties with permission from me. I love her having friends round and I would have been the person that allowed parties. She has destroyed any chance of it now...

Absolutely this!

I’d 100% be taking her house keys off her. She can’t be trusted with them.

she needs to clean and pay for anything which can’t be cleaned/fixed.

will your insurance pay for the stolen jewellery? If not she can pay for that regardless of how long it takes her.

id be tempted to pack her off to her dad’s permanently to be honest but accept that’s probably not the calmest response.

Personally I’d change the locks in case anyone stole a spare set of keys.

Thanks. I've used her money to pay for a cleaner.

Unfortunately as I have just lost my job, there is no impending pocket money to withhold! Otherwise I would have a bit more leverage

I have a DC the same age, and have heard horror stories from parties (not randoms taking over the house—just disrespectful things done by other students who “don’t like” the host—WTF? Why are they even there? Things like the milk poured everywhere, eggs, ripping apart conservatory panels, etc.)

I honestly don’t know what I would do—even if she gets a job, it’ll be £8/hr, so maybe £80/week at most. She’ll never pay off the damage.

I do think you need to have a hard conversation with your XH about safeguarding the children whilst they’re under his care, and sticking to boundaries and consequences. You need a United Front—he cannot opt out simply because it’s “easier”.

How much is her phone worth and how much do you pay monthly on it?

That would help recoup the costs and as it was advertised on social media seems like a natural consequence to me. She advertised her address to people she didn’t know.

She can have a brick phone.

I don't think she needs to see a calm response and she shouldn't see a calm response-she should see a ballistic, ape shit, frightening response.

She might not have the money now but I’d be totting up every penny and she’d have to pay it back one way or another. Get a job when she’s 16 and every penny from that goes towards paying off what she owes.

Thats awful op. I'd be fuming with her. She planned the deception to dad and now has to deal with the consequences

I don't blame dad for the party happening, at 15 I would accept that mine were going to a sleepover, as long as I knew the address, but I wouldn't speak to the parents myself.

My consequences would be:

She continues with the cleaning until its an acceptable standard.

She explains to ds that his medals have been stolen

She uses any money that she has, and any upcoming Christmas money to pay for damages. If anything is damaged that you can't afford and can't wait until Christmas, she sells a games console/something of value that may pay for it.

You massively tighten her social life. There is some level of trust with me and my teens, that I don't really check up where they are anymore. For the next few months, I would be wanting to speak to parents on the phone (so I know its actually them!) if she makes arrangements with friends. No hanging around without specific activities, so once ungrounded (which would he for 3 weeks) either something like cinema, gym not going out for the sake of it until trust is restored

I'd be speaking to ex since you seem to get on. Stress the need to be on the same page and how disappointed you are that he has immediately let go of consequences for her

It’s worth checking in the jewellery to be sure, but AFAIK, there needs to be a police report with proof of forced entry. Unlocked doors invalidate the coverage, but still worth a check.(On the policy wording itself—not ringing the insurance provider. Calls are recorded and your premium will go up even if you don’t make a claim, but made an enquiry—this happened to my MIL.)

How manageable would it be to take her house key? If I could do that, I would because it would be the most fitting consequence. If she'd be safe, but might have to stay in the library at school or wait a little while for you or her brother to get home or not get something she's forgotten to take to her dad's, then it would inconvenience her and no one else. I'd have her replace as much as possible from the money she has/pocket money. I'd also probably cancel her phone contract for several months or sell her phone for some of the money too. Essentially taking her electronics but very clearly tied to what happened.

I'm sorry, OP, it must have been awful for you.

Thank you, everyone, so much for your helpful advice. I think the general consensus is that I am right to feel so horrified by this and that perhaps I have been a bit lenient on the phone with DD so far.

I have to go out for a good portion of the day (a friend is lending me a car for the week). I'll read and try to reply to all of the messages later today - I've not made it through them all yet. I will also update once I've spoken with DD.

I think the natural consequences are:

Cleaning up
No phone for a week, other than putting messages out to try and recover the stolen goods maybe?
No house keys, but she is grounded and if she comes home alone she can sit on the doorstep until you get home. Have you got a doorbell camera to keep an eye on her coming and going?
As you say, no more parties, she has ruined that for her future self
Actually the natural consequences for both her and your ex is any parties will be at his house 😅

Her friends might be lovely but at least one of them was dim enough to put it on social media so they're not that lovely. As pp say, she needs to get them involved in cleaning up if they want any chance of ever coming round again.