AIBU to think people are less sociable and friendly nowadays?

[HotPatoot]

I’ve always been a very sociable person and this worked well for me as a child through to university. I made friends everywhere I went as a child, invaluable on family holidays, starting new hobbies etc.
as I’ve got older I’m finding it near on impossible to communicate with people, everyone is so closed in their own world.

a few examples - I started a new job just after Christmas. On my break on first day I went into staff room and saw a colleague sat there on her phone so I walked over all cheerful and said “hi, I’m Patoot, it’s my first day!”. She glanced up from her phone, gave a fake smile and said “ok, hi?” ??? I followed up with “what’s your name?” So she said “Sheila”. I asked how long she’d worked there at which point she looked visibly annoyed and said “sorry i need to reply to this message” and started typing away on her phone. I made myself a cuppa and then went to sit again at her table at which point she gathered her stuff and left!!

another example - I joined a new fitness class. Before the class started I saw a woman sat on her own and went across to say hello. She smiled and told me her name so I asked if she’d done this class before and she said she had. I asked what it was like and she looked annoyed and said “it’s a fitness class?” And shrugged. I asked if she does any other classes and she got her phone out and just ignored me from then on.

example from this morning! I got on the bus, there was a woman sitting alone so I sat next to her and cheerfully commented on the traffic. She smiled, nodded and then fixed her eyes on the window away from me.

what is wrong with people these days?? AIBU to think the UK has got much less friendly or do people just become less sociable as they age??

Some people just want a minutes peace, you do sound a bit intense just inserting yourself into what they’re doing. I wouldn’t want someone random chatting to me on the bus either.

Oh goodness, I could have been either of the last two women! I probably would have made an effort with a new colleague but I have never been one for random conversations with strangers. If someone I didn’t know came and sat next to me on the bus and started talking, I would be very unamused (and probably put my headphones in).

Example 1: rude
Example 2: bit weird and dismissive
Example 3: not rude in the slightest - no-one is obliged to make small-talk with strangers on public transport.

When I get a break at work or time to myself I just want to be left alone I don’t want to have to make small talk with a stranger I’d actually find that very annoying.

I’d have chatted to you for the first two, since you were new, but not been at all thrilled at you talking to me on the bus. Buses are reading time AFAIC. Would you have talked to Sheila or the bus woman if they’d been deep in a book?

Sheila might have had stuff she needed to get done on her phone, or might just have needed the downtime.

Example 1 - Rude, but perhaps she was having a bad day or had bad news. Your other examples make me suspect there might have been more to this.

The other examples - take the hint. These people don't want to engage. There's friendly (nod and smile at stranger) but perhaps she's at a fitness class just to exercise and doesn't want to meet people. Sometimes you try to be nice to people and end up with a clinger. No good deed goes unpunished etc.

You aren’t owed friendship or conversation from a total stranger though, you have no idea what some of them were doing or why they wanted some peace but they are entitled to their own time and it doesn’t make them unfriendly or antisocial.

I'm not talking to some random stranger on the bus lol. I catch buses all the time. I only speak to people if they ask for directions I'm happy to help but other than that I'm not obligated to have a conversation with anyone.

I'm Gen Z if that helps

I can be sociable but the op sounds too intense to me if people try too hard with me i push back

I try to be polite but there has some a point where the message gets through

I'm a pretty friendly and sociable person but I'd find your behaviour rude and intrusive I'm afraid.

@HotPatoot “I’ve always been a very sociable person”

Not everyone is. I do think smart phones have made some people antisocial.

“A thousand friends inside a screen,
The loneliest crowd you’ve ever seen.
We share a laugh, we post a view,
But ignore the person next to you.”

You need to read people.

I absolutely loathe people just coming up to me when I am
happily sitting on my own and then talking at me. I feel the need to be polite but I can’t wait to get away.

Maybe I am misreading but it sounds like you make a beeline for people who are on their own so that you can start a conversation and make friends. You need to learn to read the room. Just because someone is on their own, don’t assume they want to talk. That’s projecting your desperate need for company onto them.

Sitting at your co worker’s table when she had given you clear indication that she did not want to engage was incredibly rude.

Please stop doing this unless you know it will be welcome. You sound intense and that is going to put people off.

I think these responses kind of prove your point. OP.
We've spend that last 30+ years drumming into children that their feelings, wants and needs override everyone else's and the somewhat predictable result is that people no longer have any remorse about being rude and feel perfectly fine about blanking people because THEY don't want to talk.
I think it's tremendously sad and illustrates a breakdown in society. But you are unlikely to get any sympathy here, where it's all about boundaries and not owing anyone even a smile.

I don’t know OP, I think there’s a time and a place. Also some social interactions are easier and come with less pressure than others. We had a lovely chat with a bartender the other day while he was mixing our drinks, very pleasant and nice, but then it ended as we took them and walked off. No worry from either side that someone was going to be weird or hard to get rid of. Maybe that’s the issue in some of these situations, the person wasn’t expecting an interaction, didn’t know how to respond or what the ‘rules’ were. They don’t know you or what you are like and weren’t necessarily in a situation where they were expecting to or wanted to socialise. I’m afraid I would have reacted exactly the same on the bus, that’s not really an appropriate situation for striking up a conversation with a stranger, most people just want to get to where they’re going and they might have stuff on their mind.

How is example 1 rude though? The woman from work was already doing something, it’s no different to interrupting someone on the phone or reading a book. Just because she was using her phone doesn’t mean it was less valid.

I’m way less sociable now, I think some of it is due to perimenopause, I just want to be at home on the lounge with my dog all the time. I find it hard to do chit chat, just feels annoying.

I did try today at a meeting and the lady ended up just first turning away then walking away. Was a bit relieved really. She might be the same, I’m sure it wasn’t personal.

OP - are you neurodivergent? You are missing very clear social cues.

I am AuDHD and hate people being intrusive.

Are you quite tactile as well as I have noticed that people who are quite full on often punctuate their conversation with touching the other person’s arm or whatever.

I have resorted to being very blunt with people who touch me though.

Oh my god!! Just going up to a woman peacefully sitting on her own on the bus is horrifying. Why would you think that was an acceptable thing to do?

I’m sorry but you’re too intense, you have to respect people’s space! if you want to make friends at least try to cultivate it naturally over time, not just canon ball your way into it.

Exactly! The OP was incredibly rude and intrusive. The colleague had made it clear she wasn’t up for a chat yet the OP ignored it and intruded on her space and time anyway.

Maybe you don't read people's social cues.

Plenty of people in these situations just want to be left in peace and not have to make small talk with strangers.

In example 1, I would have given you a bit of time due to you being new, but she had probably gone into the staff room on her break to just get a bit of downtime. Beyond the initial exchange you should have left her alone and gone to a different table.

In example 2, she too just wanted to sit alone for a bit but again, you inserted yourself and began asking inane questions. She was a bit rude and abrupt, but again, I suspect you weren't reading her cues, assuming that because she was sitting on her own she would like a conversation with you.

Example 3, here you are again just homing in on someone sitting on their own (this time on the bus) and assuming that they will be delighted to make conversation with you. Mostly they won't, and even if they do chat a bit they are likely to find it irritating. Some might even find it creepy and uncomfortable. If I get onto a bus or train I sit on my own if at all possible (sometimes it isn't, of course). I don't want to be forced into unnecessary conversation and would find it irritating.

Not everyone sitting on their own is just waiting for someone else to come up and begin chattering. In fact, I would even go so far as to say most are not. I only approach my family and people I know well or have arranged to meet. Otherwise, please leave me alone.

Yeah good point. I do generally agree that people should be free to not interact. My thinking on example 1 is just that when someone is on their first day in a new job, it's reasonable to be politely friendly. I'd overlooked that OP had parked herself at the colleague's table after that initial introduction.

I do think the social norm has switched from ‘if you’re in a room with someone you should introduce yourself and chat’ to ‘you should never interact until you get strong signals that it would be welcome’. And yes that’s a shame.

I think being expected to read social cues is a good thing.

I have learnt that many people are crap at it though! If someone comes to sit next to me on a train because there are no seats then I can just about handle that but if they start talking to me, I will get up and stand in the bit with the door.

I don’t want to be rude to people but it’s getting harder to avoid.

Nobody likes a bus nutter. Sadly DP attracts them.

Oh Lordy! I feel for him 🙈