AIBU to think people are less sociable and friendly nowadays?

[HotPatoot]

I’ve always been a very sociable person and this worked well for me as a child through to university. I made friends everywhere I went as a child, invaluable on family holidays, starting new hobbies etc.
as I’ve got older I’m finding it near on impossible to communicate with people, everyone is so closed in their own world.

a few examples - I started a new job just after Christmas. On my break on first day I went into staff room and saw a colleague sat there on her phone so I walked over all cheerful and said “hi, I’m Patoot, it’s my first day!”. She glanced up from her phone, gave a fake smile and said “ok, hi?” ??? I followed up with “what’s your name?” So she said “Sheila”. I asked how long she’d worked there at which point she looked visibly annoyed and said “sorry i need to reply to this message” and started typing away on her phone. I made myself a cuppa and then went to sit again at her table at which point she gathered her stuff and left!!

another example - I joined a new fitness class. Before the class started I saw a woman sat on her own and went across to say hello. She smiled and told me her name so I asked if she’d done this class before and she said she had. I asked what it was like and she looked annoyed and said “it’s a fitness class?” And shrugged. I asked if she does any other classes and she got her phone out and just ignored me from then on.

example from this morning! I got on the bus, there was a woman sitting alone so I sat next to her and cheerfully commented on the traffic. She smiled, nodded and then fixed her eyes on the window away from me.

what is wrong with people these days?? AIBU to think the UK has got much less friendly or do people just become less sociable as they age??

He seems to find it funny. I do not....

Example 1 makes me thankful to WFH. When I'm at work I'm trying to work.

Example 2 is a bit weird of the other woman, yes.

Example 3, OP is beyond unreasonable. Don't talk to people on public transport! There's nothing "nowadays" about that, it was something I internalised as a child in the 90s.

Ooh I thought this was going to be about friends becoming old and boring (lighthearted - sort of 😜) and was ready to agree with you but Lord no! I am a social person but please don't ever try and speak to me on a bus!!

It's phones. People interact virtually instead of talking.

But what you're saying is that OP's feelings, wants and needs trump everyone else's..? Because she does want to talk? I totally disagree with your post. In none of these examples did the stranger 'blank' OP. She got a token response and then hurt her own feelings because she didn't read the signals/take the hint that the person didn't want to continue the interaction. Which is their right, and respecting boundaries is also part of a functional society.

There is obviously a bigger discussion around screens/social media/lockdown impact that is taking place. But I don't think OP's examples are particularly related to that.

Which doesn't necessarily make that interaction less valid or sociable.

I feel I'm being much more sociable joking with my friends in a group chat on my phone than exchanging banal small talk with colleagues in real life.

I just think modern is so noisy and overstimulating that sometimes people just want to be quiet. Years ago women in particular would be stuck at home so probably relished chatting nowadays when we’re running from work, to childcare, home to do tea, sort shopping get kids to bed there just isn’t a moments peace so those moments at work, on the bus or before a gym class could be the only moments peace in that persons day.

My job is very noisy so I take myself off to the furthest empty classroom to eat my lunch and read my book in peace and quiet. I love my colleagues but I don’t want to sit in the staff room listening to everyone yapping!

I think I’d probably pay more attention to people’s cues, the lady at work made it very clear that she didn’t want to sit and chat so you shouldn’t have then proceeded to go and sit with her. I would however have remembered her name and just said hi Sheila next time I saw her.

I wouldn’t stop saying hi to people as you’re obviously a very friendly chatty person but just pay close attention to their cues and back off if they don’t engage but also don’t be offended and stop trying with everyone, there could be that one person who’s day you change for the better by chatting to them.

Actually I’m 55 and have always felt like people can be intrusive so I don’t think you can blame parenting.

Why should the right to intrude on someone trump the right to be left in peace? People who are intrusive generally don’t get the hint so either you have to go through the arseache of having an unwelcome conversation or you have to be blunt.

Well yes - people interact with their friends rather than some randomer who can’t sit in the staff room without trying to be besties.

All the people piling on To say how awful you have been, chatting freely, have a different norm from you.

your point is proved!

I love meeting what I think of as ‘ normal people ’ who are relaxed and friendly, out in the wild. It did used to be very much the norm, and it
isn’t now.

we are the ones living in a nicer world.

I think that people have less time to make small talk because of their phones.

There is always something they can read or watch on their phones, so they don't need to talk.

Not from the view of those you are intruding on, believe me. It’s very selfish to inflict yourself on others that don’t want that.

I wish those that wanted to be sociable would wear a badge or something - that would be a win for you and for us.

Genuinely, does it never occur to you when you are chatting to a stranger that they are just being polite and they can’t wait to get away from you? Because all the ones who say they only do it to those who are comfortable are very often mistaking manners for comfort.

I would’ve spoken to you in all 3 scenarios and don’t think any of them are particularly weird. I believe that people who make lots of micro connections (eg having people you regularly pass the time of day with on your bus route) are generally happier and feel more connected to their area.

Thankyou for pointing out to me, who you have never met, that I am socially obtuse and that I foist myself onto strangers who tolerate me out of politeness.

Your viewpoint doesn’t sound extreme nor jaundiced at all….

I think it comes down to asking yourself why you are happy to risk making people feel uncomfortable in order to fill the void in your own life.

And you can’t blame phones, I used to carry a couple of books with me everywhere I went.

I think you have to ease into these kind of situations. When my child switched schools I suggested he just play it very cool initially and not try and forge friendships from the beginning as that can look a bit desperate. Instead just friendly but also happy to sit by themselves and let people come to him. It worked brilliantly and he became mates with the cool crowd which I knew he wanted to do.

The advice also works for adults. Play it cool. Don’t talk to people who are obviously busy unless it’s work related. It took me a year to get fully integrated into my last job and I suddenly realised I was in as people were telling me the gossip.

I didn’t mean you personally - it was aimed at all the people who think it’s okay to do this.

Although pretty much all people who do chat to randomers will have made someone uncomfortable even without knowing or intending to.

I may have a jaded view of the world but I don’t feel the need to intrude on people so that’s a bonus.

My mum is a bit like this when out and about, she will go beyond polite small talk and just offer up any random information and it’s clear to me the other person has no interest and wants to move on. She doesn’t listen to the other side of conversation either, she simply pauses and awaits her turn to talk. She talks AT you and I actually have to be so blunt and say ‘I need to go and do x,y,z now mum so we’re finishing the conversation because all other subtle social cues completely fail.

I just find it all totally exhausting.

And your assumption / projection ‘ of a void in your own life’ is breathtakingly presumptuous.

and jaundiced.

I think a lot of people just want to be on their own, in their own space, in peace. I know I do. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with wanting to make friends as you clearly do but personally I would absolutely hate for someone to start talking to me the way you do.

This bears no relation to what op was talking about though, does it. Op was talking about well regulated interaction, not verbal diarrhea.

So why do you do it? It isn’t for their benefit. The OP admits she’s looking for friends.

The OP wasn’t talking about anything well regulated, she had the initial interaction but then kept talking and sat at the person’s table, despite it being made clear that it wasn’t welcome

People are not as friendly op. I am not sure why , probably lots of reasons. I met a nice couple on holiday once and they were happy to chat and talk to me and were lovely, but mostly people just seem to avoid talking to anyone or think it’s odd to chat to someone you don’t know.

There’s nothing wrong with them, OP.

You’ve decided for them that they want to have a chat with no consideration towards if they would want the same or not.

I’m a sociable person but I would take in what a person is doing before I approach them, read their body language, their vibe, etc.

Example 1:

You saw her on her phone and decided she needed company. She was in the middle of a task and you chose to interrupt her. She had to tell you she was doing something and leave for you to leave her be.

Example 2:

Some people don’t mind a chat in such situations but for others it is likely the only thing where nothing is asked of them and they can simply work out and then go about their day. You are not entitled to a conversation. If she wasn’t answering any follow-up questions, that often means she wasn’t looking for a conversation.

Example 3:

Just why??? That woman was sitting by herself. What made you think she wanted someone sitting next to her and partake in a conversation? If there was nowhere else to sit it is different but still wasn’t rude of her or antisocial not to talk to a stranger in her commute home.

In every example you have described and even in your own post it has been about you and no thought to the women you speak of and why they wouldn’t want to chat. They don’t have to talk to you if they do not desire to.

Your new colleague was in the middle of something on her lunch break.

The woman in the gym class likely only said hi because you had and she didn’t want to be rude.

The woman on the bus was minding her own business and you decided she wanted someone to sit next to her and to talk to her. That bus ride could have been the only moment of peace she gets to herself, maybe she just wanted to stare out the window and enjoy the scenery, or didn’t have the energy to chat to someone.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to chat but you have to consider the other person and if they want to chat too.