AIBU to think people are less sociable and friendly nowadays?

[HotPatoot]

I’ve always been a very sociable person and this worked well for me as a child through to university. I made friends everywhere I went as a child, invaluable on family holidays, starting new hobbies etc.
as I’ve got older I’m finding it near on impossible to communicate with people, everyone is so closed in their own world.

a few examples - I started a new job just after Christmas. On my break on first day I went into staff room and saw a colleague sat there on her phone so I walked over all cheerful and said “hi, I’m Patoot, it’s my first day!”. She glanced up from her phone, gave a fake smile and said “ok, hi?” ??? I followed up with “what’s your name?” So she said “Sheila”. I asked how long she’d worked there at which point she looked visibly annoyed and said “sorry i need to reply to this message” and started typing away on her phone. I made myself a cuppa and then went to sit again at her table at which point she gathered her stuff and left!!

another example - I joined a new fitness class. Before the class started I saw a woman sat on her own and went across to say hello. She smiled and told me her name so I asked if she’d done this class before and she said she had. I asked what it was like and she looked annoyed and said “it’s a fitness class?” And shrugged. I asked if she does any other classes and she got her phone out and just ignored me from then on.

example from this morning! I got on the bus, there was a woman sitting alone so I sat next to her and cheerfully commented on the traffic. She smiled, nodded and then fixed her eyes on the window away from me.

what is wrong with people these days?? AIBU to think the UK has got much less friendly or do people just become less sociable as they age??

It’s possible you’re not reading their cues early enough

I do exactly the same as you and sometimes people want to chat and sometimes they don’t . The problem is you’re personalising it, they are STRANGERS to you and don’t owe you anything. It’s definitely not about YOU so try really hard not to take it personally

I view it as a real bonus if people chat to me, I’ve literally made a friend from the bus stop

I completely agree with you, OP.

Screens have made a lot of people boring and insular, and it seems they are happy with that.

The conversational skills of your average person are sadly lacking

I would have far rather talked to you than quietly seethe about ,eg, the cretins 'loudcasting' on the next table.

I just get the same vibes. The intensity of it. I don’t think it’s well regulated at all.

It is about what sort of personality you have. I am only half joking about wearing a badge because the chatty people should be able to chat to each other.

However I am not bothering anyone if I am sitting on public transport minding my own business so I don’t think anyone should feel they can ruin my journey by disturbing me and forcing me to interact with them for no good reason.

Even with headphones on, facing the window and being on my phone they still somehow miss the social cues.

Before screens, I read books so I was every bit as ‘insular’. Some people just don’t like being bothered by randoms

I like to look out of the window on a bus, especially if I am in countryside. I like looking for pheasants, deer, foxes and anything else I can see. I hate anyone sitting next to me, which is sometimes unavoidable if the bus is crowded, but I would hate anyone actually talking to me.

I'm not unsociable, and will happily talk to people in a different situation, but not on a bus or a train.

I think people are a bit more unsociable today, but people tend to live near strangers. In the past, there were often family members living in the same street, or aunties and grannies round the corner, so people mixed more.

Then there are phones. Most people are scrolling, and don't want to be interrupted.

In none of these examples did the stranger 'blank' OP. She got a token response and then hurt her own feelings because she didn't read the signals/take the hint that the person didn't want to continue the interaction. Which is their right, and respecting boundaries is also part of a functional society.

Agree. Why does someone wanting to chat trump someone who doesn’t? Surely the person who is being talked to should get a say and that can be no.

They were acknowledged all three times.

Plus, OP isn’t exactly choosing the best moments to talk to people nor seems to be trying to read social cues.

I don't agree at all it's an age thing, most of us older people will talk the hind leg off a donkey. I'm on Merseyside, though. The one thing I missed during Covid was the chats at the bus stop with older people. My granddaughter was a toddler and used to say, hello, to everyone getting on the bus, it was social distanced, but it started conversations. Covid did changed things, though. However I'd say don't bombard people, introduce yourself and judge the situation. I'd had an horrendous day with my GC on Thursday and you'd have been hard pressed to get a conversation from me. Sometimes I'm knackered. People have busy lives and need to use their breaks, so slow down and read the room.

Maybe you are just too happy. I can't cope with overly happy people 😂

It’s the damn phones

You are way too full on, OP. I'm old, but I wouldn't be happy if a complete stranger started asking me lots of questions. If I'm on a bus, I just want to daydream and enjoy a few minutes' peace - I'd also ignore a total stranger who wanted to chat.
Acquaintance/friendship needs to develop more slowly and organically.

DS 2 gets people chatting to him and he doesn’t encourage it at all. Mostly he wished they didn’t as one tried to sell him some drugs and another one asked him for money! I guess he tries to stay away from such folk, but I joked he must have a friendly face..
I had a chat to a lady at the bus stop the other day , but we were a similar age ( old) and she was asking about the bus route changes and we got talking, but I wouldn’t strike up a conversation with a young person mostly because they usually wear head phones or ear buds as well.

I found years ago that people started being friendly to you at work when they know you are sticking around and it's more of a gradual acceptance.

Talking on buses and at bus stops etc is done more up north than down south in England. Generally the etiquette though is that you don't sit next to someone if lots of other seats are available.

Do you really think PP's mum would describe it as verbal diarrhoea though? Or do you think she would describe it as being friendly and just chatting away in the shop? Similar to OP. Sometimes people lack self awareness.

I'm exhausted, in menopause, and watching the world go to shit a bit more every day. I'm not using energy I barely have to speak to strangers on the bus.

Read the room and people's cues.

Firstly, I think that the OP has good intentions and I do feel for them, as it can be hard to navigate an increasingly isolated society. If people were a bit less self focused the world may be a better place for all of us.

With that in mind, i think there are a few points to think about...

1. What arises in OP's mind when they see a person on their own? Is it an urge to 'fix'their loneliness?
2. Does OP have a problem with just sitting with quiet? If so, is that something to work on.
3. If the OP has an issue w silence, wondering what that is about. Does the OP feel a duty to fill the gap?
4. Consider whether the craving to have connection causes unhappiness, when others dont reciprocate.

I try my best to work using this model for conversation... is what you are saying...

• Truthful as far as you know
• Helpful to the other person in some way
• Inspiring, does it make people more positive or feel inspired?
• Necessary, do you need to say it? What is the purpose?
• Kind, does it come from a place of good will?

Most of us yabber on [me included!] with no real thought about the above. As I often say, yes everyone has a right to speak freely, and sometimes its wise to know when to keep it quiet.

Hoping that helps or makes sense OP.

God I miss social distancing so much. People giving each other space, no hugging, not being able to casually touch a stranger’s arm to get their attention… apart from the whole killer virus bit it was amazing.

It’s more likely a geographical thing than an age thing. The only people I know that routinely did it would be my grandmother’s generation (so born in the early 1900s). My parents are in their 80s and wouldn’t dream of doing it

I’ve always tried to be friendly to new people at work, but perhaps this woman did genuinely need to use her breaks to sort something out in her personal life?

The woman in the fitness class could of been friendlier from what you’ve said, but I suppose your want to interact doesn’t trump her want to be left alone. Which I guess proves your point in that example.

The bus thing sounds weird on your part to be honest though. I would not be impressed if someone sat next to me if there were free seats around. I like to sit alone on the bus. If all the other seats were taken and someone sat next to me I would have engaged in polite conversation if they tried though. As long as it was only a short journey. A long one I would have let them know I wanted to listen to some music.

I disagree. It isn't screens necessarily.

I used to take a book or a magazine on the bus, train or even just to a café or a bench in the park and read.

It meant I was enjoying my time to myself and DIDN'T WANT TO BE INTERRUPTED.

I live in London & I’ve found that the people who are most likely to want to chat on the tube are visitors who usually drive, view public transport as a novelty & can’t understand why everyone isn’t being ‘friendly’.

They don’t tend to understand that regular commuters deal with their journeys by mentally screening everyone else out.

“The antisocial modern grace
To love the screen and fear the face”.

I do think people are less sociable. I'd put it down to two things

1. The world is overcrowded. In 1900 there were a billion humans. Today there are eight billion. The UK is a noisy, crowded, stressful, suffocating place to live. The traffic is awful and the countryside is being ruined by endless house building. By the end of the week, most people are burned out. They crave silence and space.

2. We don't need people as much. In the past, people went to the pub because there was nothing else to do. Today, we have podcasts and video games and YouTube. We can have any book ever written delivered to our door, and we have limitless access to the world's music and TV and film. Some people are amazing – kind, funny, interesting, etc. But the majority aren't worth the effort. They're boring, talk about themselves, show off, don't listen to what you're saying, and aren't interested in you at all (they're nosy, but that's not the same). Books are just SO much more interesting than people. I'd rather read Iris Murdoch or Aldous Huxley or Bill Bryson than go to a barbeque and listen to someone droning on about rugby or cars or what their daughter got in her A-Levels.

If a complete stranger sat next to me on a bus when there were plenty of free spaces, and then started talking to me, I would assume they were trying to recruit me into a cult or something. It's a weird thing to do.

Examples 1&2 are a bit rude by the third parties. But frankly you were being too pushy with example 3.

Join a fitness class with a WhatsApp group and try and be a bit more patient with people. I’ve had to be in fitness classes for weeks and months before I’ve made any real
friends, if you don’t let things come naturally you’ll scare people off.

It's really not though, phones are just a handy excuse for today. Way back when if someone wanted to talk to me on public transport, I would have said that I use the travelling time to sleep/read/listen to my music. Nothing personal ✌️.

This thread highlights there are still friendly chatty people out there (I am one of them) but I have to be in the mood - and as a random stranger, you don't know when that is or what kind of day I have had.