AIBU to think people are less sociable and friendly nowadays?

[HotPatoot]

I’ve always been a very sociable person and this worked well for me as a child through to university. I made friends everywhere I went as a child, invaluable on family holidays, starting new hobbies etc.
as I’ve got older I’m finding it near on impossible to communicate with people, everyone is so closed in their own world.

a few examples - I started a new job just after Christmas. On my break on first day I went into staff room and saw a colleague sat there on her phone so I walked over all cheerful and said “hi, I’m Patoot, it’s my first day!”. She glanced up from her phone, gave a fake smile and said “ok, hi?” ??? I followed up with “what’s your name?” So she said “Sheila”. I asked how long she’d worked there at which point she looked visibly annoyed and said “sorry i need to reply to this message” and started typing away on her phone. I made myself a cuppa and then went to sit again at her table at which point she gathered her stuff and left!!

another example - I joined a new fitness class. Before the class started I saw a woman sat on her own and went across to say hello. She smiled and told me her name so I asked if she’d done this class before and she said she had. I asked what it was like and she looked annoyed and said “it’s a fitness class?” And shrugged. I asked if she does any other classes and she got her phone out and just ignored me from then on.

example from this morning! I got on the bus, there was a woman sitting alone so I sat next to her and cheerfully commented on the traffic. She smiled, nodded and then fixed her eyes on the window away from me.

what is wrong with people these days?? AIBU to think the UK has got much less friendly or do people just become less sociable as they age??

It's the ol' "People tell introverts to be more outgoing, but nobody tells extroverts when to shut the fuck up" problem.

I think I'd have to agree with most posters saying that OP needs to learn to read the room. Life is incredibly busy, and a lot of people relish those moments where they can take a moment for themselves.

Sometimes people will be communicating with friends or family on their phones - the interaction may be digital rather than in person, but it's arguably of much higher value and importance than random small talk with a colleague (or, gods forbid, a stranger on public transport).

Sometimes they might be doing important admin stuff on their phone - sorting insurance, paying bills, looking up information on tradesmen because their guttering needs doing.

I agree people are less social these days. But I also think you don’t take the hints. In example one, the lady was rude but when she was already gave one word answers twice, why did you fire another question? That was your time to take the hint.

Same goes for the second example, time for you to stop was when she said annoyingly that it’s a fitness class. Why did you ask further if she does other classes?

Third example is so funny. I cannot imagine some random person talking about traffic in the UK. Are you from the US?

But I would have talked to you happily in all examples unless I was really exhausted.
I think the life in UK has become very stressful rushing from one place to another, doing one thing after another so people are exhausted and don’t want to talk. I think the woman in gym was the rudest. If you don’t talk to people in that environment ( wait before a class would 5 or max 10 minutes), then how are you supposed to make new friends after 30? And it shows society becoming more insular.

There is a thread on Mumsnet today about a poster who is thinking of installing a fence so she doesn't have to talk to her neighbour. Several posters suggested headphones which are an easily recognised signal that you don't want to interact. Scrolling on a phone is also one such signal. Its a pity that most people have lost the skill of making conversation but you are not going to force them to recall it by pushing into their headspace.

What sort of age are you OP and where do you live?

I find in general that younger people and those in cities view friendly chattiness as weird.

Of course I am generalising to a degree but this is my experience.

I am almost 60 and live in a quiet semi rural area where most people are my age or older and chatting is appreciated here.

There should be some balance. Yes, op
nerds to improve her ability to take hints or read the room. But I don’t agree that it’s about rights. You want space, you express that with your mouth, no one is denying you of your right to space. In the same manner, who like to talk or need a sense of community, need to use their common sense and take the hints that other person does not want a chat. It’s simple.

But I agree with overall observation of op that people are less friendly. I went to John Lewis, I said thank you with a smile ( smile comes naturally to me, I am not an over talker) to the lady serving me at the till, she didn’t say a word or thank you, had this grumpy look that she had to spend 30 second on the till to process my payment, which was the fastest you can imagine with a tap. A second later she was chatting with colleague, so it wasn’t about her being so tired etc. I felt maybe I was discriminated because I am different race but she was also from a race known to have suffered from discrimination. And before someone knot themselves trying to find something I did wrong. No, I had only spent that 30 secs with her. And she wasn’t even working. Had just opened the till and the lady on the other till with longer queue was friendly. So my understanding is it’s a personality thing not because of exhaustion from work. Some people are just weird and unfriendly.

In first example, if lady was busy, she did not need to have annoyed look. She could have just sorry I am busy, I am writing an important email, etc. But I am sure she thought like some posters here, the other person is denying them of their rights.

Hmm, can sort of see both sides. I think maybe you need to just read the room a bit OP, there will be people who are happy to talk and people who aren't, and neither are wrong. Imagine how you would feel if you'd had a really shit day, were feeling ill or struggling to keep it together, and a complete stranger sat down next to you and started yapping at you.

I do think the first person could have been a little nicer, just because expectations at work are a bit different. If OP had been a bit shy and not introduced herself, then if everyone she met had been like 'Sheila' it could have taken months for her to get to know colleagues and find her place, which would have had a knock on effect on whether she felt comfortable asking them for help, suggesting ideas, etc.

OTOH, while I'm usually the first person to say hi and introduce myself to a new person at work, I'm currently trying to move house - my half hour lunch break (twenty mins by the time I've sorted my food) is literally the only time I can contact solicitors, estate agents etc. before they close when I finish work so I've been frantically head down sending emails.

So while I still think "Sheila" could have just been a bit nicer and said "Oh, I've been here for nearly 5 years, wow, time flies. Sorry to be rude, I really need to sort this before I go back to my desk, hope you have a great first day,' I can sort of understand why she might have thought 'Oh god please be quiet.' There are lots of workplaces where the break room is the only place someone can go to decompress if they've had a really awkward client etc.

I’ve been assuming the OP’s a woman but I don’t think she / he has actually specified sex & that can make a difference too. I’m much more open to chatting with strange women than strange men.

but perhaps she didn't WANT to make new friends? I know it's a bit contradictory because on here people always suggest things like the gym if you want to meet new people, but the obvious (or I thought it was!) implication there is that it only works if other people want the same thing! Some people will be up for it, others have gone to the gym for its actual purpose, exercise, perhaps with the secondary benefit of getting 5 solitary minutes of peace to themselves, which OP is interrupting.

The OP sounds rather enthusiastic but the office lady was very rude. Fancy being so dismissive to a new employee.

I do think though that people are less inclined to a spot of small talk and are even sometimes a bit hostile. Some new people moved in opposite about three or four years ago. When I was passing with the dog (so not launching myself on her as a special visit) the woman was on her drive, so I said I was Jane from over the road, dh was Tom plus dcs. She just said,”Oh, hello.” That was it - nothing more. If we are leaving our drives at the same time they ignore us, no wave of acknowledgement even. They have a lot of visitors/parties etc so not anti-social to them. They have never spoken to the people next door to them, either.

This is a very good point, as a society we are being encouraged to not just put up with random men wanting to just be friendly to women . But alas, the OP started a thread, then done a runner 😏 I hope she/he/they found someone to talk to.

Agreed. I’m both friendly and sociable, but I read other people’s social cues and don’t bother people who don’t want to talk. Sitting at the new colleague’s table with a cup of tea when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want to chat was intrusive, and a lot of people, me included, value time on public transport looking out the window and daydreaming. You’re coming on way too strong with total strangers, OP. Your desire to chat doesn’t override their preference. There will always be people who do want a conversation. Look for them.

Same. You maybe don’t know how to read the room or social clues- The last example probably means that you don’t.

People are just busy and have lots on their mind too. The very last place I want to chat to someone is on the bus!

Yes perfectly fine not wanting ( I didn’t want to write it in caps assuming you can read without having to do so) to make new friends. In any case, you don’t just click in one random 5 minutes, it takes multiple such meetings. I was just saying if people are discouraged to talk to others in such scenarios because other person can be exhausted, then when can you?

What I find weird in this scenario is not having tolerance for a pre gym class chit chat to the degree that you have that annoying look. So in my opinion people who get annoyed quickly over such minor human interactions are rude.

That’s even more hideous than the other poem posted upthread.

The same people when they are much older will complain of loneliness and lack of human interactions/ community in the society.

I'm quite chatty but I think you were rude in the first instance. The woman was on her phone, she wasn't just sitting staring into space.

If someone is sitting on their phone, they don’t want to chat.

Have you always been bad at picking up social cues?

Love this. That’s where the world going and now we have ChatGPT to give company and mumsnet to talk too.

My god you sound intrusive!

As an introvert, who is forced to be an extrovert every day, I absolutely won’t be concerned about being in my own company when I’m older. If I feel I need it then, I will seek out any of the plethora of ways it is available. Often older people complain about it because they want it to come to them.

But some people will say not introducing yourself to a colleague is also rude. I agree with other posters that op did not take hints.

Tell me the plethora of ways available?

I am also not extrovert but also not introvert, so not sure what I am but I do notice people crave for human interactions in old age. I have a lot of old relatives and neighbours. If you tell me the plethora of ways available, maybe I can guide them.

Extroverts are often unable to read the other person’s body language, that is the issue.

If I am say quietly minding my own business then I am not being rude. If someone chooses to approach me despite getting no social cues that they are welcome, then it is them being rude, therefore it’s fine to be rude back. I wouldn’t tell someone to fuck off but if I had no choice but to engage with them, I would be thinking it.

(Actually I was rude to a woman in a coach once. She was waving to someone and leaning over me to do so. I was trying to move away slightly and I wasn’t going to say anything but then she put her hand on my arm (why FFS!) and told me she was waving to her friend. I told her to take her hands off me. Bit awkward but she left me alone after that.

There are plenty of people out there who would welcome social interaction - stick to them instead of making a beeline for someone just because you are projecting your own feelings onto them.

That way everyone wins, all the extroverts can get together and everyone leaves the introverts alone.

I chat to friends for hours on end but I don’t want to be accosted when I’m out and about, unless it’s to ask a question (like directions, ‘has the 100 bus come yet’ etc).

Perhaps being a little more aware of people not wanting to interact would minimise the disappointment you feel when people don’t want to speak to you.

I think the what strikes me about all 3 interactions is that none happened organically. In each case you spotted a lone person and zoned in on them, purposely moving into their physical space to start an interaction and pushing on even when receiving a luke warm reception.

I think anyone that decides to sit next to a lone stranger on a bus just so they can strike up conversation is going to automatically come of as intense and people will recoil. I would be interested to know if you are a man.

Old people clubs? Loneliness is awful but plenty of people don’t experience it even if they are alone. So it’s about extroverts or lonely people finding similar around them and understanding that, far from their decision to speak becoming the highlight of someone’s day, it may be wholly unwelcome and annoying.

My parents were once accosted by someone trying to get old people to join their lunch party for pensioners. They politely said no but he kept on and on.