AIBU to think people are less sociable and friendly nowadays?

[HotPatoot]

I’ve always been a very sociable person and this worked well for me as a child through to university. I made friends everywhere I went as a child, invaluable on family holidays, starting new hobbies etc.
as I’ve got older I’m finding it near on impossible to communicate with people, everyone is so closed in their own world.

a few examples - I started a new job just after Christmas. On my break on first day I went into staff room and saw a colleague sat there on her phone so I walked over all cheerful and said “hi, I’m Patoot, it’s my first day!”. She glanced up from her phone, gave a fake smile and said “ok, hi?” ??? I followed up with “what’s your name?” So she said “Sheila”. I asked how long she’d worked there at which point she looked visibly annoyed and said “sorry i need to reply to this message” and started typing away on her phone. I made myself a cuppa and then went to sit again at her table at which point she gathered her stuff and left!!

another example - I joined a new fitness class. Before the class started I saw a woman sat on her own and went across to say hello. She smiled and told me her name so I asked if she’d done this class before and she said she had. I asked what it was like and she looked annoyed and said “it’s a fitness class?” And shrugged. I asked if she does any other classes and she got her phone out and just ignored me from then on.

example from this morning! I got on the bus, there was a woman sitting alone so I sat next to her and cheerfully commented on the traffic. She smiled, nodded and then fixed her eyes on the window away from me.

what is wrong with people these days?? AIBU to think the UK has got much less friendly or do people just become less sociable as they age??

To be fair you do sound a bit intense ( although I am assuming there are many situations where you don't initiate conversation!) but yeah, in general, I agree.

I think people are glued to their phones all the time, and it seem like people prefer to be on their phones then talk to actual humans???

What the hell have things go to?

1st example - The women made it very clear she didn’t want to talk to you yet you still continued and sat down with her. Yes she could have made slight more effort but she may have something going on in her life or she could have been just plain rude either way you continued trying to interact when it was clear she didn’t want to.

2nd example - the women interacted with you and spoke to you but you seemed to want to ask question after question - some might like this others may not.

3rd example - For a majority this is a big no. I wouldn’t want someone come and sit next to me and start talking just for the sake of it.

The world is very busy now and people’s lives are now very hectic with work and general life and I would say a large number don’t want to communicate with others when they just want 5 minutes in their own head. I like my quiet time now I have got older which is actually a reason I drive a lot so I can think on my own without anyone interrupting.

All that being said you don’t seem to pick up on when people don’t want to talk/social clues etc. you do have many friends? are you an intense friend?

I think it was very little to do with introversion or extroversion, terms which are routinely misused on here. I’m an introvert who is sociable and friendly. Being introverted doesn’t mean you’re shy or untalkative. Being an extrovert doesn’t mean you can’t read other people’s social cues, or lack theory of mind enough to grasp that other people don’t always want to talk to you all the time.

I agree with the OP. Had this chat with my daughter who as at Uni and I find her very anti social. Example went to Cafe and someone from her old school worked there and they didn’t even pass comment to each other even though they went through the same school for seven years. She wasn’t daughter’s friend but she knew her name. 30 years later if I seen someone I knew from school by name not necessarily a friend I would still pass myself in a friendlier manner. I talk to everybody and anybody but I know if they don’t want to talk back and that is ok. I had to do a long days travel for work recently and I counted up I had interesting conversations with a lady on the plane, then a man on a train, (learnt something very important from him). Had a great chat with a 3 lovely young girls on another train and learnt something very interesting from them too. Then final chat was with a lovely Chinese student at the airport who loaned me a phone charger. He was then asking my advice on something about his future. Was telling my teens and they just think I am weird. But I love being chatty and sociable and it has always rewarded me well in life.

I used to have my nose in a book or look out of the window before screens. Anything to avoid someone assuming they were entitled to some of my time.

It’s only the medium that’s changed. How else can we signal that we aren’t interesting in chatting? And why do people carry on regardless? Do they have no self awareness?

Yeah, OP needs to read the room.
But we are also a generation or 2 into into stranger danger, dont talk to anyone, your kids are your problem. What the bloody hell did we expect.

Sometimes people just want left in peace. I used to do all my life admin and read my book on my phone during my lunch hour at work but ended up having to sit in my car to do it as colleagues kept interrupting me.

Maybe worth trying to read the room before launching a friendly 'attack' on random people.

I realise your intentions are good but people that have to be friendly to someone they barely know and were never friends with are the reason I have to actively hide if I see someone in the situation you described!

Knowing someone’s name and being educated in the same location is not enough to spark an interaction several years later.

All I would say to anyone who is determined to interrupt a stranger’s day for no reason is being hyper aware of their reaction. Being polite doesn’t mean they are enjoying it. I think it’s hard, esp for women, to feel able to disengage from interactions because we are conditioned to be polite

The difference is that you don’t persist in talking to people who make it clear they don’t want a conversation. I agree that you can have wonderful conversations with total strangers, and they can become friends. I literally bumped into one of my closest friends in an art gallery.

I really wish I could wear a badge saying ‘please leave me the fuck alone as apparently headphones and not looking at people doesn’t work

To all the extroverts. Would you really approach someone who is engrossed in a phone/book and/or has headphones on? If so, why?

Woman on her break was short on time and was clearly in the middle of something. Perhaps a relative was in hospital/dog on its last legs/had argument with partner or she was trying to complete something in the short amount time she had eg buy something online/do online backing/compile her shopping list for what she needed on the way home. I really wouldn't read anything into your interaction at all.

Gym woman was just plain rude and unfriendly. Nasty to someone new for no reason.

Bus person. I'm in Liverpool and wouldn't bat an eyelid at someone mentioning the bad traffic, and in fact we would probably then enter into conversation about it. It's quite obvious if someone is a wierdo or a creep and you'd obviously be less forthcoming with chitchat back.

We lived in London for a few years in the late 90s and I found people more insular when out in public, but after living there for a while I understood why. The overcrowding is stressful and everyone has an invisible bubble around them to protect their sanity in their normal day to day commuting etc. Sometimes a bit different at night though when people are out and about going to pubs etc and in a bit more of a relaxed moood and not in a big work stress.

Sadly I do think the younger generations are less chatty as they've grown up with a screen in their hands and it's their default mode when they're on their own out and about. They have lost the art of smalltalk with old ladies at bus stops!

Just realised you WERE a bus wierdo if you got on a bus which had whole seats free but you chose to sit next to someone on their own. I would immediately wonder why you'd chosen to squash yourself next to me when you could have chosen a totally empty seat.

That’s not extroversion, that’s an inability to read social cues.

I think you are coming on a bit too strong, especially if you are in a large city.Most people in middle age are very time poor,and so keep interacting to a minimum.

People in the UK have always been quite reserved,the groups you talk about-school children and students are naturally very open. l think you are experiencing the natural reserve which was always there but not in the groups you were mixing in.

Okay so I can only speak to myslef and am fuly prepared to be called anti socail for my behaviour, but this is something I do and I think its okay. Im friendly and chatty with colleagues on shift , but during my break (we work in a hotel and pretty much all go on break for lunch at the same time ) i often sit on my own table away from where other people are sitting because i like to have some time alone. If someone were to come over and sit with me and start talking i wouldnt ask them not to or not engage or be rude or anything like that, but if people are already sitting at tables chatting and there is an empty table free ill more often than not sit on the empty table. People have mentioned this to me and ive explained its not that I'm being rude or not even that I dont like the people , i just want a few minutes to myself as our job is very social . I am vbery much internally and introvert - not that i cant be friendly and chatty as well, I can , and am- but to me my break is kindof my recharge time!

I'm usually pretty happy to chat but it's about reading social cues. I told a woman on the train the other day that I didn't want to chat (in a polite way)- I'd spent the whole day in a noisy office, going to meetings etc and then as soon as I got off the train I was going collect DC from holiday club and knew they'd be chatting ten to the dozen until bedtime. I just wanted some quiet for 15 minutes. She was offended and muttered something about young people being rude, I'm 45 so I took it as a compliment.

Some people enjoy chit-chat with strangers, and some people don’t. One isn’t morally superior to the other. I’m definitely in the latter category, and almost always find it a chore.

The new work colleague was a bit rude, however - in a workplace there’s an expectation of basic friendliness and she should have been a bit more welcoming. But you probably shouldn’t have sat down at her table when it was so clear she wasn’t keen.

Nailed it!

How about this one?

"Please, no small talk. I'm fine with silence. Let's just vibe."

It’s always been the social convention in the U.K. not to talk on public transport. Even groups that know each other (eg families) will talk quieter if they are talking.

The tube is famous for it
https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/tube-rules-eating-food-london-underground-b1208179.html

and it largely applies to other public transport as well (trains, buses).

you are allowed to speak to other people on public transport but usually both parties are aware it’s breaking the unwritten convention and any cue that one party wants to stop will instantly lead to stop.

Example one was a bit rude, but maybe she was stressed and trying to deal with something, sometimes I have specific things I need to sort on my lunch and just laser focus on those.

I would have been friendlier than the other two reactions, but honestly I don’t want to be making small talk in those situations you have mentioned, if you catch me on a good day I may have a short conversation on the bus if I am with DD, but as a rule/if I am on my own those will be rare times to myself. Also, I am doing a terrible job of maintaining my existing friendships, I don’t have much spare social battery for strangers that I likely will never see again.

I’ve never been massively social, always been an introvert but even less social nowadays. i think it’s a mix of being older, life being busier with more responsibilities/less time to myself, less bothered about people pleasing, the world being so much faster and louder, and of course social media (though I’m not a massive social media person)

Try not to take it personal OP

Could you be the problem? Just saying. There's a pattern forming.

I’m in my sixties and don’t do any SM (unless MN counts) I am definitely not attached to my phone.

I would find your “approaches” intrusive and rude. I wouldn’t welcome them at all. Tbh I would think you were a bit odd.

To be fair she was polite to the OP and it should have been clear that she didn’t want to engage but the OP didn’t take the hint, to the point of actually sitting at her table after she had clearly indicated she didn’t want talk. Was she supposed to continue to engage with someone who was bothering her?