My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

Around 15 years old pretty much decide by themselves with whom they would live, in case stepparent and relatives disagree. Court very much takes it into account.

I’ve been the outside child on a family unit after remarriage and it’s not fun at all, he sounds like he is really struggling and has been for some time

Quite apart from the fact that hard-pressed local authorities are not going to spend what is literally tens of thousands of pounds a year to foster children when there’s a perfectly capable adult who can look after them and is already doing so.

I’ve said below that she can apply for a parental responsibility order.

The step children do not need the OP to adopt them. She wants to adopt them. That is an important distinction..

I would add 'and apologise to him for your behaviour over his birthday celebration'

Is adopting the kids really that important if it affects your relationship with your son? Just carry on as you are which will be the same thing just without the legal certificate.

Also do some work to repair what your son believes about regretting having him etc. That should be your priority, not adopting kids who already think of you as their mum anyway.

You are glossing over your marriage break up and subsequent divorce as though they are not a big deal but to your DS this would been huge.

Your DS gets 50% of time with you, your step DC 100%.

I can see his POV, dedicate some extra solo time to him, don’t get angry.

drop the conversation about adoption for now and support him through his exam year. Let the dust settle and then maybe raise it again but with him first, in a year or so?

Yes, apart from the emotional fallout which will be huge for him, there is enormous financial impact for OP's DC, which he probably doesn't realise, but OP is certainly not prioritising her son.

Quite. Poor lad has ended up with 1/4 of his mum's time, half the time.

This is the worst parenting mess I've ever seen anyone get themselves into on Mumsnet.

By asking the step kids first, you and your son (who is supposedly your world) are in a no -win situation. And one of you very definitely doesn't deserve it.

If you go ahead, you lose your son forever, basically. He will have no reason or wish to see you. And of course, to a degree, your step children will recognise that that rift has come about because of them and feel guilty.

If, as a pp mentioned, social services interview him as part of the adoption process, he will be pushed into either effectively halting the process by making it clear that he doesn't want it to happen, and then carrying that guilt, or he has to cave, and know that his relationship with you is over. He will carry the psychological damage right through adulthood either way.

If you give up on the adoption, the step kids will be hurt. And they will blame him. So you can forget any further family get togethers.

Why do your step kids deserve a discussion when you actual
son only gets told? Thats fucking awful for the poor kid, especially when he doesn’t live with you for half of his life but you no doubt spend time with your step kids while he’s away.

He already overheard you complaining to all and sundry it seems, about your first marriage and he had insecurities. From your description you weren't discreet about being less than complimentary about his Dad. How was he supposed to feel?
In his mind your latest actions have cemented those insecurities.
You discussed adoptipn with your husband, you discussed it with his children and your poor son was relegated to last. Everyone else was more important and worthy of discussion before him. Your actions have caused this. You have not put him first or considered his feelings. It has been all about you, your current husband and his children. What a mess.

Maybe he wasn't fine with this set up and now you are taking it further he is telling you

Why should children be fine with a new family because the adults are in love

leave it he feels pushed out and its understandable why he is your child but he isn't your priority

He’s right . Did you ask him first?

Honestly OP, you have lost your way completely.

You asked them, and TOLD him?
Are you out of your mind?

Your poor son, divorce, new relationship, 50/50, then full-time, then your clear priority to support them, now adopting them after 6 years.

You have a truly spectacular lack of self awareness if you really cannot see how you, your new relationship and his children have completely displaced your poor son.

Not one bit surprised he is going to move to his father's, as you have really left him down.

I simply cannot understand women who put men ahead of their own children.
In this case a man and his 3 children.

You really cannot see how your son might feel?
It's actually hard to believe this is real.

As for him repeatedly somehow hearing you dissing your previous relationship multiple times?
Really?
Who does that to their child?

Of course he is going to be deeply hurt about that. Its his father, half of him.

Your poor poor son.
I couldn't sleep at night if I knew that my actions and choices had caused such pain for my child, all for a man and his children.

This is a shocking read.

I heard that was how Tom Jones spent his early life.

If he's talking to you in these terms, I'd say that there's a good chance of his going no contact with you in the future regardless of what you do. It's clearly very much on his radar. You can probably expect him to make this type of threat again.

So hard! 15 year old boys are not reasonable or logical or patient enough to listen. That's my experience anyway.

Can you write him a note or a letter so he can read it in his own time and digest it in privacy. Obviously you need to fully reassure him that you love him, you are proud of him, he's your first born and no one can ever replace him.

I think sometimes these gestures can mean more than we know. I spotted that my son's screen saver on his phone is a photo of the message I wrote inside his birthday card. He never mentioned it to me but it clearly meant a lot. He also has the card pinned up on his wall with the message facing outwards.

A chat can be too emotional on both sides. The written word can carry more power.

They would not ;have to go into care'. What bollocks.
Their father should already have made a Will with guardians named - i.e the OP. He should have done that as soon as their mother died. The Dc are also old enough for their wishes and views to be taken into account.
There is also a recognised status which is 'child of the family' in which the parents do not need to have adopted the child.

It’s refreshing to see a step mum loving her step children but your son is struggling and needs to be heard. The adoption can wait. They know you want to. What can’t wait is working on your relationship with your son.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your son doesn't get to make decisions in life by using emotional blackmail against you. What an awful thing in life for him to learn is ok?!
He's allowed to express his thoughts and feelings without prejudice and be heard but not to dictate what you do!
His actions have consequences and he is old enough to decide that he can go live with his dad full time. What he's not allowed to do though is give you and the rest of his family the silent treatment when he doesn't get his own way.

Sorry OP, I'm a huge supporter of step parents generally but on this occasion I'm 100% on your son's side.

He needs you. He only spends 50% of the time with you. There are 3 other kids he's not related to who get you 100% of the time. Isn't that enough? I absolutely understand why he feels threatened and hurt by your desire to officially equalise their status (when in real life he doesn't have actually equal status, so to speak, as he's only with you half the time).

It's really odd that you told the stepkids before you spoke to him, almost as though he's an afterthought. You've written about your relationship with your stepkids and how great it is, but I don't think you said much about your son's relationship with them.

I'd one billion percent put my child first.

15 is a very difficult age emotionally. I would prioritise your son's feelings right now, whether he's being rational or not. He feels like he's being replaced by a family that's better than him.

I would make him feel special over the next few months and do activities alone, just the two of you. No family dinners for now. I'd tell him he's the most important and always will be. Soon he'll be an adult and won't care about it as much, but now being a teenager is tough and he's vulnerable

None of these situations require adoption.

All can (and should already have been) be covered by a Will setting out inheritance, LPA for the OP, and recognition of the DSc as 'children of the family' - which is a legally recognised status.

And all could be sorted out within an hour or so at the solicitor's.

I'd disown you if you were my mother and done this. Dear God you've handled this so badly and are at serious risk here of losing your son and need to sort this ASAP. I think you need to speak to your ex to gauge how your son is feeling, give him a bit of space and then try and talk to him. You need to pause everything to do with the adoption for now and frankly if your son never agrees you need to shelf the whole thing- thiugh you'll obviously cause upset to the step kids. What a mess of a situation!

He's not 'your world' in fact it sounds like the step kids take priority, from what you've wrote it actually seems you've put them before your own son. Why do they get a discussion and he gets told. He should have been the 1st person you spoke to before any discussion with step kids. I'm also not sure about the step kids calling you mum- they have a mum and shes sadly passed on. It feels disrespectful to your son and their mother but thats just my opinion. Though I'd imagine your son isn't happy about it

I think you messing this up started a long time ago. You say in your OP that your “focus naturally shifted” to the step children. You assumed their need was greater - i imagine your son’s reaction is layered on top of that. No - it wasn’t understandable to him that they needed more because their mother died, and frankly I don’t understand it either. It also stands out that you say you asked them, but told your son. Perhaps if you’d asked him first you could have worked through the issues with him to pave the way to adopting them, without having the additional pressure of the expectation you have built with the other kids.

I don’t think you can win here tbh. If you adopt them you lose your son. If you don’t adopt them they will think you are rejecting them in favour of your son. 100% it was your responsibility to handle your son sensitively beforehand (not your husband, of course he’d be in favour of you adopting his kids) - I understand why he feels so rejected, poor lad.

good luck - very difficult thing to navigate.