My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

@pirdgz My view is he doesn't get to decide but you should take your time - if it takes a year or two, just don't rush it to get him comfortable with the idea. In the meantime work on your relationship with him, lots of things just the two of you, a bit of love bombing I think.

I have a much younger sibling and when my parents announced my mum (in her 40s) was pregnant with a surprise baby, for what it's worth my reaction was the same. Absolutely NOT, I am your only baby! I will not permit this! I was furious with them for ages. Of course they didn't let me decide, lol, and of course I adjusted to our new family shape.

I'm amazed that nearly 40% of voters think that the way you've gone about this is reasonable. It absolutely isn't.

Wtaf?!

You need to mend bridges first.
Take you son out for a walk or a drink somewhere neutral.
A talk about everything, it sounds like he has a lot for insecurities about his place in the world and his family.

My sister is my dad's step daughter, he tried to adopt her but her biological father who had nothing to do with her wouldn't allow it. In many ways it has made no difference in other ways it has made more difference. My dad always has an up to date will to include her with equal rights as me and my other sister.

YABU. Massively.

The first person to speak to about this should have been him.

And why the rush to adopt these children?

I think he has a point, you are pushing him out.

Because if she doesn't and her husband dies she will have to jump through hoops to keep them. Plus it gives them stability during their young adult lives

You need to show your son what you've written. Explain that your first marriage wasn't happy for either you or his dad and you are both happier now. But that the only good thing out of the marriage was him and explain you want to give everyone stability and its a legal thing should anything happen

There are lots of reasons. If the husband died when they were still minors they could be taken into care. If the husband died when they were adults when the OP died they wouldn't inherit anything.

If there were an awful car accident where the husband was in a coma, the OP wouldn't be legally allowed to make decisions about the kids' finances or schooling or medical care.

The OP and her husband are absolutely right to think about the legal structures which protect these poor kids from further anguish.

Zero reason for it.

He could sort out child arrangements in his will without the Op adopting children she’s known 6 years

She could have handled it better. But the question is whether he son should get the deciding vote and I say no.

As a general point in life we don't get to choose whether or not we have siblings - that's the parent's choice.

That can be solved very easily by her DH naming her as the children's guardian in his will, and him taking out a Lasting Power of Attorney so they she becomes his attorney should it be needed for health or medical reasons.

No where does the Op even bother to tell us how her son gets on with his steps siblings siblings or her partner

OK so the law isn't a reason. Sigh. If that were the case we'd never have adoption would we, we'd just pass kids round to be cared for by whoever was on hand.

Zero

Your stepchildren are nearly adults. I don’t see the point of adopting them, but I can see why your son is upset. He has internalised the idea that your marriage to his father was a mistake; therefore he feels like a mistake. You should work on trying to repair your relationship.

You're unreasonable here. There's no need for you to adopt these kids.

Quietly forget adoption for now. Perhaps you can revisit later.

You need to put all your efforts into healing the relationship with your son. You need to go over exactly what he's heard and why he's internalized it as he has. With a lot of honest soul searching from you as to why he feels this way, and why you haven't heard about his feelings about this before, and why he feels pushed out etc. This hasn't come from nowhere and needs sorting.

Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum,

Them calling you mum would be hard for your son, for starters. Especially when they're his age.

Guardianship can be challenged by extended family, whereas adoption gives automatic parental responsibility. And POA will only allow the OP to advocate for her husband, not his children.

You handled this so badly not consulting with your son early and then telling him as a fait accompli. Now you have a situation which will at best breed resentment whichever option you go with.

But you need to prioritise your son here, 100%. You need to fix the emotional harm and neglect he feels. I understand it was unintentional, I'm not accusing you of being abusive far from it, but the risk of psychological harm is far greater to him than to not-adopting your step children.

If you want to protect their futures should their father die, then he needs to complete guardian instructions in his will.

And whatever you do, don't let your step children believe that you're not formally adopting them because of your son. Come up with another - probably practical/legal reason which allows them to feel loved & secure without blaming him.

100% that.

Tell him unfortunately it's not up to him. Of course he's your son, your blood son, and always will be. But you're going to adopt the others and that's final. It won't change anything in terms of your relationship with him and you love him just the same.

And make sure that you do give him enough attention.

He has three kids “all around 15”

what does that mean? Triplets?

This 100pc
I totally appreciate where your son is coming from.
Adopting your sc won't change your feelings for them.
Also remember that their mum is dead.
Some may consider adopting them is disrespectful to her.

Your poor son.
Sees his mum 50 % of the time and shares that time with the step kids. Kids who needed extra support.
He seems to be your last priority OP.
You need to start listening and putting him first.

I feel for your son here. He got sidelined a bit 6 years ago when these 3 other kids showed up full time needing all this extra support. He is not part of this new nuclear family you have built because he spends 50% of his time at his Dads. Now you want a legal ceremony to proclaim your new family. He feels pushed out and not unreasonably so. I would not do this.