My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

Hes 15 and feels like hes being replaced. Honestly id not go ahead with the adoptions. I feel like you should have spoken to your son before your step kids.

You really need to have a conversation with him. Listen to him and explain your side of things.

That's tough, why do you want to adopt them, did you discuss it with your son first.

You don’t need to adopt your stepchildren to be a bonded family. Your son must be your priority now, or you’ll lose him.

Why do you want to adopt them?

He needs someone to talk to, not you or his dad. Any neutral adults about? An uncle?

Imagine thinking your mum regrets having you - for years. It must have been a big burden on him. That won’t take a quick convo to unwind.

How often do you spend 1:1 time with him doing things he loves?

I would have thought that social care etc, won’t let it proceed if he’s not in agreement. I may be wrong but I think you have to go through some of the same process as other adoptees.

You either tell him it's none of his business if you adopt your step children and he will no doubt go to live with his father, or you don't adopt.

This goes beyond a conversation. You need to talk it through with a proper therapist (it will cost but it will be worth it).

Honestly I’d let the kid get on with it. Dont allow yourself to be blackmailed by a 15 year old.

Did you ask your son's thoughts before asking your step kids?

Why did you ask your husband's children if they want to be adopted first? It seems as if your son is lower on your priority list and I guess that's the message he's been getting. Take him out, talk things over and shelve the adoption. You're in danger of losing him l.

I think this needs to go at a slower pace for the moment but you should still retain your ultimate goal of adoption. Your son feels how he feels, obviously there are the feelings of everyone else in the family to consider too but ignoring his feelings entirely would be incredibly damaging. More conversations are required.

There is zero need for this. Zero

So just respect your son and leave it

6 poxy years is nothing

It's absolutely understandable. He only gets you for 50% of the time, and your step kids get you, and your very evident devotion to them, 100% of the time. And now you want to make it official.

Add into that his take on what he's overheard (and you should never have had those conversations within his earshot) and it would be remarkable of he'd taken this well.

It's quite astonishing that you're surprised at his reaction. And you absolutely should have discussed the potential adoption with him before you told your step children.

Seriously, you couldn't have got this more wrong. The best you can hope for is that some joint counselling for you both might help your relationship survive. But you'd be mad to go ahead with the adoption.

I would assume legal reasons - if the dad died they'd be orphans and very exposed, ie: they might be taken into care. And inheritance also. Lots of good reasons.

That’s not his concern! He’s 15 and has already had to deal with enough in his short life, and by the sounds of it, up until now coped well.

I’d ask him what he thinks will change in practice if you adopt them.

The answer is nothing.

This is all about how he’s felt the past few years. I’d be addressing that.

He is my absolute world

well, no he isn’t is he?

how well does he get on with his steps sibs and your partner?

You should’ve done this first, before asking your step kids? Wth. Kid feels replaced. Is adoption even necessary? Why?

Maybe you ought to just accept the situation. He feels very strongly about this. Just explain to the Steps that it can't happen, much as you would like it to. It won't affect them day to day, you'll just carry on as you always have.

I'm going against the grain here, but your 15 year old child doesn't get to make that decision. Go ahead with the adoption and obviously speak with him and let him know that he's always going to be your son no matter what but you and your husband have decided as adults that this is the right thing to do. In years to come he will see why you did it and that it was the right thing to do. Kids don't make adult decisions, bottom line.

Yes he is male so on here he just has to get on with it, you dont need to adopt them but as others have mentioned did you speak to him forst or just expect him to go along wotj what you decided without him?

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have spoken to your son first before it was all in agreement with your dh and step kids. You sidelined his feelings and treated him like he’s irrelevant, and now you’re upset because he feels sidelined and irrelevant. I know this sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it to sound so mean, but ultimately, in the process of taking your dh’s and step kids feelings into account, you’ve completely forgotten about your son and how he might feel.