My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

Do the step-kids actually know you adopting them would erase their dead mum from their legal existence basically? Like she never existed? I can’t get my head round how you’re even considering it. I assume they don’t realise that.

It’s so disrespectful to their dead mum. Nevermind all the shit you’ve put on your son.

Wow.

You are mad to consider doing this in these circumstances. Your son must come first - he is clearly telling you he feels you’ve never put him first.

I think you should have spoken to your son before your SC.

But I also don't think an irrational 15 year old gets to make life decisions for you, and I don't think you shouldn't do it because he said so.

No idea how you fix a mess you kinda created though.

I would add it speaks volumes that you've decided to adopt DH kids but DH has not asked to adopt your son? He can still adopt if his biological dad is alive.

I think this shows that you and DH have made very little effort on the relationship between DH and your son. Your 3 stepchildren lost their mum but will have taken comfort and strength from each other over the years. You son has no full sibling. How much effort have the stepchildren made to include your son?

It does sound like he's been sidelined.

My guess?

PBP

First, that isn’t a reason that the OP gives for wanting to adopt the children. Her reasoning isn’t clear.

Second, as the children have lived with the OP for over 3 years, she and her husband could apply for an order that the children live with them both of them and for an order granting her parental responsibility. She doesn’t have to adopt them. She just wants to adopt them.

Look at it through your child’s eyes from the day you left his dad.

You had all ready met your now DH, you were having an emotional affair. You cheated on his dad. As a result of both you and your exH’s actions, his family broke up and was shuttled between the 2 houses.

Then you married this bloke, blended your 2 families together, and then his kids came to live with you full time whilst he got shuttled around.

He’s overheard you talking about your past awful life, and how it’s so much better now.

Now you want to adopt your SC, to make them on equal footing to him. You didn’t even discuss it with him first. You took a fine deal to him.

Now you are upset about his reaction 🤷

I feel so sorry for him. Like so many children talked about on here, he’s had all this dumped on him with no say in it, and had to slap a false smile on his face whilst sucking it up.

Not sure what to advise really. I think the damage is already done.

Children don't get to dictate whether they are only children or not, whether by birth or adoption. So I think you need to stick to your guns on that.
As a separate issue I think you need to focus on strengthening your relationship with your son and increasing his sense of security in your love.
He will make that hard, because he's holding out for total no compromise compliance from you. But when that's off the table, you will need to keep working extra hard on offering him time, love and attention, so that there will be no evidence at all that the adoption has been detrimental to him.

If true tho.

Just think your mother divorced your dad for her affair partner moves in his children 100% of the time and wants to adopt them after sidelining you for them, running down your dad and their marriage and only kinda bothers with you 50% of the time.

Even shares big family news with them first and would rather not attended her own child’s birthday than not have the new family there.

I hope its a 🧌

I think it is very telling that the stepchildren have an incredibly close bond with OP and call her Mum, and yet OP's DS doesn't even consider his stepdad and stepchildren to be part of his family. That's despite the children being a similar age and living together for 10+ years.

It's absolutely clear that your son doesn't think you love him as much as his step-siblings and adopting them would be the final nail in the coffin.

Why do you want to adopt anyway? The children are all "around 15" so approaching adulthood so most of the legal reasons to do so are diluted. Why not do this a few years ago when they were younger when there would have been much more point? I also can't believe that the step-children are happy to effectively erase their mother from their lives. do they still see grandparents or other extended family on her side? What do they think about this?

Adopting your stepchildren won’t actually make any difference to them. You can have a close bond with them without that.
But rightly or wrongly your son feels it would make a big difference to him. He needs the security of feeling he is more valued by you than they are, and having an external sign of this.
Your stepchildren have their own father. Let your son have his own mother.

Why even entertain idea of adopting?
And you asked stepkids first, so your son must agree or he's 'not nice'.
You move in a man, he has no voice in it.
You move other children, he has no voice in it.
Now you want to adopt them?
Some people might think you are a good stepmother. I don't think so, that kind of dinamics can't be good for relationships between your step kids and your child.
You are horrible mother.

I'm an adoptive parent so I don't tell you this lightly..don't do it. This clearly means a lot to your son. It's just a piece of paper. Why don't you just become a legal guardian for them but not adopt.

I feel for you son. They get you all the time while he gets you half the time. Has your husband offered to adopt him? He probably feels like he's the outsider in his family. A formal adoption will make him more so. He'll be the one being moved around different homes while you devote your time to your formally newly adopted kids. He gets less of you and this probably solidifies it for him. It's going to be hard to come back from this.

It sounds like the life i had as kid.
I became a shadow in my own home hard to explain, I was there but wasn't seen, I was the brat if I said anything.
Other kids came first, the marriage end years later, and mother wanted to just act like nothing happened, well I was long gone by then.

As the years past the less I wanted to be near her as it was all about the other poor kids, and dating men.

Ive built a life for myself its been 24 years ive had no contact, and shes is now on marriage 3 so I heard.
Men and other people came first with her 🙄 still do for the sounds of it.

me too - and 6 years ago he was only 9 years old!
What attention did that little boy get? Its a lot to handle -traumatised step siblings moving in, only seeing mum 50% of the time... mum pouring attention into him, his dad being bad mouthed all the time... he has internalised rejection even if it wasn't intentional so this is a mess. What is his relationship like with his step dad and step siblings? I agree that he should have been talked to first. The adoption needs to be at least paused until things are repaired with the son, and also investigate other legal options if issues like care, inheritance etc need to be sorted

It sounds like years of resentment has been building up here and it’s come out now.

Sorry to say it also sounds like you’ve prioritised the stepkids over your own son for some time.

I think you need to make sure you’re spending lots of 1:1 time with him and focus on him for a while. If you go ahead with the adoption I think it will permanently damage your relationship with him.

hold off for a while and see what happens

Why do you need to adopt them? What will that change. It’s too late now but I think you should have started by speaking to your own son first to ask him how he felt before telling the other kids. I’d sit him down, apologize for not doing that, tell him how very very important he is to you and that he’s the best thing that ever happened to you. I’d probably explain your reasons for the adoption but that if he really doesn’t want you to go ahead you won’t ( poor step kids)

I would tell my son that you now see that you should have asked him first. Tell him that you are putting plans on hold. Maybe you could give him the opportunity to discuss your previous relationship (in an age- appropriate way).

You might need to talk to DH about Wills etc to protect your step children and your son equally.

Tbh, I genuinely hope so.

Better that that this shitshow being real.

Her husband can appoint her legal guardianship In his will no need for adoption

I understand the adoption idea-if something sere happen yo their dad the children would have no legal parents andc automatically be in the care system
However given her son's feelings on the matter, she has a straight choice now - does her priority lies with her own son or her husband's children.

Sadly this is not unusual

Nonsense. They will not automatically be in the care system